It’s common for a TV show to take a while to hit its stride. Challenge of the Superfriends was ahead of the curve, since it achieved an important milestone in only its third chapter. To wit, this was the first episode in which they clearly spent more of the production budget on reefer for the writing staff than on more prosaic matters, like the animation.

We open, per tradition, on the already familiar swamp waters that lay over the Legion of Doom’s headquarters. (Stock footage.) Said edifice rises into sight. (Stock Footage.) Next is the customary pan across the Legion’s meeting hall. (Stock footage.) The meeting is in progress (stock footage) and we see Solomon Grundy bitching about his comrades’ lack of success. To convey his ire, he grabs a model of the Batplane from Toyman. Oddly, they don’t show him crushing it. Either they just forgot to animate him doing so, or the shot was being saved for a later episode.

"Silence!" Luthor orders. In his role as chairman, Luthor yelled "Silence!" more often than the cast of Battlestar Galatica. (That’s a pretty lame gag, so if you don’t get it, I wouldn’t worry about it.) Heading up the Legion of Doom appears to have been a thankless task. "Individually," Lex declaims, "we have failed to stop the Superfriends. Only by combining our forces will we be assured to put an end to them." Actually, their track record as a unit doesn’t really substantiate that assertion.

Hope springs eternal, however, and Luthor feels their latest plan is sure to win them victory. And so he turns the reins over to Brainiac, this week’s designated scheme-maker. Brainiac employs the Legion viewscreen. This, like its Justice League analog, can magically show any locale anywhere from any angle desired at the touch of a button. The screen reveals Wonder Woman, Hawkman and Black Vulcan noodling around in space. Positioned just behind the moon, they’re working on a NASA space station. Which makes you wonder why this universe even has a NASA, if the Superfriends have to do all their routine maintenance.

This established, Brainiac produces what appears to be either a futuristic radar gun or an avant-garde label maker. Instead, it’s a cloaking device. Once in operation, it will make it appear to anyone in space that the Earth has disappeared. Which is pretty impressive for a device that appears to run on four ‘D’ batteries.

Now the Toyman takes over, explaining the next part of the scheme. "My phony distress message will lead them deep into space," he giggles, "and to my sinister planet of toy traps!" I’ve wondered before how the Legion funds its myriad R&D projects. This is exactly the sort of thing I’m talking about. Where in hell did Toyman find the money, time and/or technological resources to go into deep space, locate a planet, and construct a series of deathtraps on it?

I mean, if these guys can afford all this stuff, why would they want to take over the Earth? That seems pretty banal considering all the other things they do. And why not just patent all these amazing scientific devices and then buy the world? (Insert obligatory Bill Gates joke here.) I’d like to see the Superfriends stop that plan.

Of course, all good Legion of Doom schemes…and, er, the ones they actually end up using…involve three distinct stages. Thus the Riddler begins gloating about how his puzzles will "lead the other Superfriends on a wild goose chase that will send them right out of the universe!" Uh…OK. By the way, sending one’s opponents clues on how to defeat your own plans doesn’t really strike me as much of a superpower. It’s quite a task to make a guy who makes malevolent playthings look useful, but the Riddler’s up to the job.

This arrangement had me wondering about Brainiac. He’s a sentient android supercomputer, and for his lab partners he chooses Toyman and the Riddler?! I can see him getting stuck with one of them, like the fat guy picked last for the class softball game—which, now that I think about it, was generally me—but both of them? Hmm. Maybe Luthor gets to make up the duty rosters and Brainiac owes him money or something.

In any case, the cloaking gun is activated. We cut to outer space and watch the Earth disappear from view. Here the Narrator refers to the scheme as "sinister." Which marks the second time in about a minute that this adjective was deployed. Note to the show’s writers: I know vocabulary skills diminish when you’re riding the Ganja Express, but seriously, buy a thesaurus.

We cut to the aforementioned space station, where the three Superfriends are just finishing up their repairs. Looking upon this scene, I began realizing just how stoned the people making the show were. Here’s some stuff I noticed in short order.

• Of the three League members on hand, only Wonder Woman is wearing an air helmet. That they gave her one only makes the others’ lack of same more obvious.
  
  

   

• Note to writers: Just because Hawkman comes from an alien planet, that doesn’t mean he can breathe in a vacuum. (Black Vulcan is made of electricity, or something. I think. Maybe. In any case, I let his lack of helmet slide.)
• Wonder Woman’s helmet is pretty much just a fishbowl she’s wearing over her head. It’s not sealed off in any way, nor is there a visible air supply for it.
• Our heroes haven’t bothered to don spacesuits. So let’s see what we’re talking here. Wonder Woman’s superhero uniform is a one-piece bathing suit. Black Vulcan’s is a tunic, sans pants (except when the animators forget and paint some on him). Hawkman has pants, but is bare-chested. Despite this, none of the trio appear to think space is cold.
• All three of them can talk. In space. And, for that matter, hear one another when they do so.
• Hawkman actually ‘flies’ via an anti-gravity belt. (I think.) I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work in space. Nor would wings, what with the lack of air. Still, he manages to propel himself around.
• Oh, and Wonder Woman is also shown flying around through space. Even though she doesn’t, in fact, have the power of flight. (Except when the animators forget and draw her doing so.) Hence her famous invisible jet. [Note: The modern version of Wonder Woman can fly, an ability she displays on the Cartoon Network’s current run of Justice League cartoons. Traditionalist that I am, I’m frankly not a fan of the change.]

Coming around the moon, the Superfriends are understandably surprised to find the Earth’s gone missing. Wonder Woman uses her transmitter to attempt to contact the Hall of Justice. (Must have a pretty good range on that thing.) However, the Toyman pretends to be Superman and reports that the Earth has been moved to "sector 721" before fading his message out.

"It doesn’t make sense!" Wonder Woman muses. "Sector 721 is light years away!" Hmm, that is a stumper, all right. Before she can get bogged down considering the matter, however, Hawkman throws in his two cents. "There’s no time to question it now!" he exclaims. Yes, questioning things like a suddenly disappearing planet before setting off on a journey of several light years can only lead to disaster.

Observing all this on the Hall of Doom viewscope, Brainiac indulges in the traditional mid-plan gloat. Then, once the trio of Superfriends have headed off into deep space, he deactivates the cloaking device. "It won’t be long now before Toyman does some toying of his own!" Luthor chortles. Uh, that makes no sense. What does he mean by "some toying of his own"? Who else was toying up to now? Doesn’t the phrase "of his own" indicate a turning of the tables? I mean, Toyman is always the toying instigator. That’s why he’s, well, Toyman.

Anyhoo. Cut to Wonder Woman et al. "Later," the Narrator jumps in, setting the scene, "trillions of miles into space…" How would that work? Black Vulcan is obviously the fastest of the three, as he can literally move at the speed of lightning. I don’t know how fast that is, but I imagine it’d take a while for even lightning to travel "trillions of miles." As for Wonder Woman and Hawkman, please. And remember, the Superfriends are being lured to Toyman’s secret planet. Which naturally raises the issue of how he himself would gain access to such a remote body.

In any case, this is apparently Sector 721. Having arrived, the League members are confused to find that the Earth isn’t in evidence. Meanwhile, I was a little confused by their confusion. Is it likely that Sector 721 is so small you can see all of it from a single vantage point? I’m assuming the sectors are pretty big, given the distance this area is from Earth. And who designates sectors of space, anyway?

"There’s no sign of the Earth or Superman," Black Vulcan confirms. "Hold it!" he continues. "Do you feel that strange pulling?" Uh, oh. "Yes," Hawkman replies. "We’re falling into that area of black space!" (As opposed to…) Of course, they’re being pulled into—not "falling into," Hawkman, you moron—a black hole. Luckily, all the theories about matter being compacted as it enters such a thing are apparently wrong. Take that, Stephen Hawking!

The three briefly pass through a poorly animated warp effect before landing on a planet. Yes, that’s right, Toyman’s planet. So. Toyman—a guy whose super-ability is to create menacing toys—not only discovered a planet trillions of miles from Earth, went there with several tons of equipment, built gigantic toy booby traps upon it…but he did all this on a world located inside a black hole. OK, now things are getting a little silly.

Oh, and black holes have a "center." In case you were wondering. And how many licks does it takes to get to the center of a black hole? The world may never know.

Hawkman deduces that they are in fact "in the heart" of the black hole, which Wonder Woman describes as being "like the calm center of a hurricane." They try to communicate with headquarters again, only to learn that "the radio waves can’t escape the gravity of the black hole." With nothing better to do, they decide to tour the planet. As they do, none of them bother remarking on the various devices strewn about the planet’s moon-like surface.

Of course, Toyman’s monitoring their perambulations on his Magic Viewscreen. "Those three Super Kids won’t exactly have fun when they play with the toys on this remote-controlled, artificial planet!" he minces. Huh? Now the whole planet’s artificial? (Not to mention "remote controlled," whatever that means.) OK, now they’re trying to make my head explode.

The Superfriends are drawn by the light emanating from a large, arena-like structure. Upon arriving there, they find it deserted. "It’s like a ghost town," Wonder Woman proffers, "in space!" Toyman, meanwhile, pushes a button and a giant ball is fired from a huge, spring-powered cannon. "Great Lightning!" Black Vulcan exclaims as the projectile approaches. Because, you see, he has electrical powers and thus that’s the kind of thing he’d be likely to say. "It looks like a giant pinball!" Hawkman helpfully adds. Yes, because giant flying pinballs look so entirely different from other giant flying spheres.

As they attempt to flee, Wonder Woman falls into a hole. A nearby counter awards Toyman 1,000 points. Then the next ball pops into the firing mechanism. This sphere is translucent and we see Wonder Woman inside of it. "Look!" Black Vulcan announces. "Wonder Woman’s inside that pinball!" Thanks for the update. In any case, the Amazon-laden Orb is shot in their direction. "We’ve got to get out of its path!" Hawkman shouts. I guess he’s not willing to cede the Stating the Obvious award to Black Vulcan.

The duo manages to outrun the projectile for a good long while. Eventually the ball starts bouncing between giant pinball nodes, awarding Toyman more points. Then he uses a giant flipper to knock Black Vulcan and Hawkman into the air. This is a mistake, though, as Black Vulcan fires a lightning bolt to split the ball and grab Wonder Woman (whatever), whereupon the three ride the momentum from the flipper and sail outside the pinball game to safety. That thing’s got a lot of English on it, considering, you know, the whole ‘black hole gravitational field’ thing.

"If my instincts are correct," Wonder Woman announces, "this must be the work of the Toyman!" No sh*t, Sherlock. You were just imprisoned in a friggin’ giant pinball game. Who else would construct such a thing? Cheetah? Black Manta? Moron. By the way, I like how Wonder Woman, being a chick and all, relies on her "instincts" to make this trenchant deduction. I’ll bet she bakes up a mean cake, too.

On the other hand, Hawkman continues to make his peers look like geniuses. "If you’re right," he answers, "we’ve got to find a way out of here!" First, if she’s right? Second…huh? Why would the need to find some manner of escape be contingent on Toyman being behind your predicament? Under what circumstances wouldn’t you need to "find a way out of here"?

Back at the Hall of Justice, Superman finally notices that his teammates are overdue. How many hours does it take to fly "trillions of miles," get sucked into a black hole, wander around a planet and play a game of pinball? Quite a while, you’d think, but apparently not. For when Superman contacts the space station, he’s told the three left "a couple of hours ago."

One of the reason the Legion never beat the Superfriends, by the way, is that they never leave well enough alone. Here they have three of opponents irrevocably trapped. (Admittedly, one of them is Hawkman. So it’s more like two and a half, but still.) Myself, I’d suggest leaving the rest of the Superfriends out of it and just letting their current captives die. In this fashion you could whittle the League down piecemeal, until the sheer numerical advantage the Legion enjoys would sweep their remaining foes aside.

Instead, the Legionnaires always go for the whole enchilada. The result being that their masterplans are inevitably foiled and they have to go back to square one. I mean, let’s examine the situation here. Three of the Superfriends are trapped in a black hole, trillions of miles distant. Their comrades have no idea where they might be.

Given this, the odds of even Superman stumbling across them is fairly remote. He’s fast and all, but there have to be a fair amount of planets, asteroids, other black holes and whatever within a two or three trillion mile radius of Earth. Assuming that they haven’t been sent back in time or into another dimension entirely. In other words, the rest of the League is going to be pretty busy for the foreseeable future.

Unless, of course, the villains actually help them find their missing teammates. Which, naturally, is what happens. This is because they have The Riddler on their payroll. Sadly, helping the Superfriends defeat the Legion’s plans is the only ‘superpower’ the guy has.

And so, mere seconds after Supes discovers that his friends are MIA, The Riddler appears on the Hall of Justice viewscreen. Given this and other such instances, it’s apparent the Legion has bugged all transmissions coming into the HoJ. You’d think the League would do something about that. On the other hand, if your opponents are always calling you and helping you thwart their schemes…maybe not.

For what it’s worth, camp fans find The Riddler’s appearances worth their weight in gold. Partly because his ‘riddles’ are so stupid, but more for the insane—if invariably correct—solutions the Superfriends derive from them:

Riddler: "Attention, Super-Fools*! I’ll bet you’re wondering where your three friends are. And here’s your first riddle clue: A million years ago / it was just a trickle / and if you don’t hurry, your friends/ won’t be worth one plugged nickel."
Robin: "Holy Mind-Benders! What does it mean, Batman?"
Batman: "I’m not sure, Robin. A trickle… Water? A stream? That’s it! A million years ago it was a trickling stream! But now it’s the Grand Canyon!"
Robin: "Good thinking, Batman! I’ll plug it into the computer and see what we come up with."
The Flash: "According to this printout, there’s an abandoned nickel mine at the bottom of the Canyon!"

[*Referring to the Superfriends as ‘Super-something’ insulting proved a seemingly endless source of amusement for the Legionnaires. ‘Super Fools’ was the soubriquet of choice, getting trotted out at least three or four times an episode.]

Admittedly, that was one of the more logical solutions to a Riddler conundrum. After all, only the Grand Canyon was a trickle a million years ago. I’m pretty sure, anyway. And everyone knows the bottom of the Canyon is simply filthy with old mines. On the other hand, you’d think The Flash could have let Aquaman read the printout. It’s not often a job he can handle comes along.

Cut to a stock shot set outside the HoJ, as various League members fly across the screen. "Instantly," the Narrator exclaims, "the Superfriends streak into the night sky." This is where the penny-pinching budgets kind of hurt the show. Let’s list the miniature figures we see whizzing past the HoJ’s façade:

• Superman (I assume, although his costume is incorrectly painted Batman gray)
• Wonder Woman (hmm, that’s weird, Wonder Woman doesn’t fly—at this point in time, anyway—and oh, yeah, she’s currently trapped in a black hole trillions of miles from Earth)
• Black Vulcan (uh…)
• The Flash (currently on Earth, but can’t fly)
• The Batplane

For a shot lasting perhaps three seconds, that’s an impressive number of errors. Out of five characters/vehicles shown, four represent errors. The individual mistakes break down this way: Two characters who can’t fly shown flying. Two characters who are trapped in deep space seen in front of the Hall of Justice. One character whose costume is miscolored. That’s pretty remarkable, all things considered. Maybe if the Zoom function on my DVD player were more powerful we’d see Samurai piloting the Batplane.

The ‘action’ shifts to Krooan’s (??) Mine. (That’s a pretty odd name. I can only assume it was an inside gag of some sort.) Superman announces that there’s nothing to be found in the mineshaft. Batman suggests searching topside. At this the camera cuts up there, revealing Captain Cold and The Scarecrow. "We’ve got those Super Freaks* right where we want them," the latter chortles.

[*See what I mean?]

On a side issue: Since The Riddler’s clues generally lead the Superfriends into a trap, shouldn’t it be standard procedure to assign someone to stand watch? For instance, you could assign Aquaman to keep guard over the area. Then when you heard his death rattle coming over the League communicator units you’d know something was up. (Well, that or he had tripped and impaled himself on a stick or something.) Hell, Superman or The Flash could patrol the circumference of the Canyon every twenty milliseconds and nobody would even notice they had left.

Anyway. "Now we’ll seal them into the Grand Canyon in a ‘grand’ manner," Cap’n Cold replies. (And he’s the funny one in the group.) He fires his ray pistol and freezes a rock overhang, which The Scarecrow then bashes with a club. 

Again, it’s amazing how the Legion has to find work for these losers. If they wanted to cause a rockslide, why not just have Solomon Grundy or Sinestro do it? And even if you just wanted to get Captain Cold out of the Hall of Doom—which is always dangerous, as the ice machine might break in his absence—would you really assign the muscle part of the assignment to the guy made of straw? He’s probably the only one on the team would couldn’t take The Riddler in hand-to-hand combat.

However, basic Superfriends Physics™ dictates that anything frozen will shatter easily—except for people, who defrost in perfect shape—and so the rockslide does in fact occur. "Holy tremors," Robin inevitably exclaims. "It feels like an avalanche!" Superman helpfully adds. "And it’s caving in the mineshaft," Batman chimes, as we watch the mineshaft cave in. Good grief, that means there’s only about half a dozen ways Superman could save them all.

However, the Superfriends play by the same rules the Legion does. Therefore, Superman occasionally has to let the less useful members have a turn doing stuff. And if you thought sending The Scarecrow on this mission was lame, the League away team here is made up of Superman, Batman & Robin, Apache Chief and the dreaded Aquaman. Why they brought the latter along remains a mystery.

In any case, Superman does a Big John and props up the ceiling. "Superman’s holding back the cave-in!" Aquaman helpfully shouts. Well, at least he’s serving some purpose. Having characters continuously verbalize the action we see occurring on the screen is pretty annoying. Still, given how bad the animation is, they probably figured viewers could use all the help they could get.

Meanwhile, the landslide constitutes only part of the Legion’s dastardly trap. At a nearby dam, presumably the one in the Grand Canyon, we find Black Manta. (Because, you know, dams hold water and BM is their water guy.) Boy, you know the Legion’s pulling out all the stops when both Scarecrow and Black Manta are sent out on an assignment.

"Now to slow down the Superfriends even more," he says. (That’s quite an ambitious goal there, slowing down your enemies.) So saying, Black Manta turns a single wheel. This, OSHA be damned, sends what the Narrator describes as "millions of tons" (!!) of water cascading into the Canyon. In a line seemingly borrowed from the Ambiguously Gay Duo, the Narrator breathlessly warns "[T]he Superfriends are unaware that the deadly tidal wave is rapidly heading towards their unprotected mineshaft!" On TV broadcasts, this is where a commercial break would occur.

Superman, having a tad more trouble holding up the roof than you’d expect for a guy who once actually moved the Earth out of its orbit by pushing upon it, receives some encouragement from The Flash. Who could be running around collecting the falling rocks and using them to bolster the ceiling. Or grabbing his teammates one by one and run them back to the HoJ. Among other options. Moreover, Apache Chief could at least help Superman brace the roof by growing larger. Or Green Lantern…Green Lantern?!

As usual, the constitution of the League’s away team changes with nearly each shot. And sure enough, there’s GL standing around in the background doing squat. Why is he suddenly on the scene? Because the group of Superfriends he’s standing with is a stock animation cell component stuck in front of the current backdrop. The rocky surroundings themselves were probably used in nearly every episode too. Whenever the Superfriends are underground, on an alien planet or in a mountainous region, etc., such generic backgrounds could be employed. This would free up dollars for the 10 or 15% worth of new animation each episode required.

This actually does explain why the mission teams change every three seconds. As noted, they were more concerned with saving money than even the most basic attempts at continuity—see the earlier shot of heroes flying before the Hall of Justice—and whatever cells were at hand were reused without worrying about whether they made any sense or not. You’d think it would be pretty easy to mark in the script, "insert background grouping of so and so," but apparently nobody ever bothered.

In any case, let’s pretend that holding up the roof is proving a challenge to Superman, that Apache Chief and The Flash and Green Lantern can’t do anything to help, and that Batman doesn’t have any Bat Cave-in Repellant Spray in his utility belt. Because otherwise we’ll be here all weekend.

Hereabouts the tidal wave comes crashing in, although not with the force you might expect from "millions of tons" of the stuff. "Great Scott!" Superman interjects as the water floods the shaft. "The shaft’s flooding!" Thank you, Commander Obvious. This is a thrilling moment, for all appears hopeless. Until, that is, Green Lantern suddenly remembers his superpowers. "My power ring should us get out of here!" he exclaims. What, and it couldn’t have like thirty seconds ago? Moron.

There are a number of things GL could do. The most obvious would be to grab everyone up in an energy bubble and fly them out of the mine. Or he could block the water and prop up the roof while Superman gets everyone out. Hell, he could create a giant emerald sponge and absorb the water as they made their escape. I mean, if you owned the most powerful device in the universe, wouldn’t you want to have a little fun with it?

Instead, he creates an energy drill. That’s something, I guess. The drill eats a tunnel up through the ceiling, creating an escape passage. Now, I’m not a geologist. Still, boring a hole through the unstable formation of tons and tons of rock lying over one’s head doesn’t strike me as the optimal solution to their fix. That just shows you what I know, however, for the escape passage is soon finished.

We cut to Batman, who wisely suggests, "Yes, let’s go!" Meanwhile, I considered putting my head in the oven, because standing behind Batman is Samurai. Where are all these guys coming from? Anyway, there’s a priceless moment when Batman and Robin shoot pneumatically up the escape tunnel. I think the idea was that the water was shooting them along. However, they propel up before the water gets to them—animation error #77,804—making it seem that they are flying up the shaft under their own power. Hell, who knows? After all, if Wonder Woman and the Flash can suddenly fly…

By the way, if the Legion doesn’t intend to pick the Superfriends off piecemeal—as indicated by the continued survival of the three captives—then the point of this trap is obscure. Certainly Superman is in no way endangered here. Moreover, it would take a fluke of the highest order to kill off either the Flash or Green Lantern with this set-up. And according to cartoon physics, Aquaman is at least safe from the water, if not the cave-in. So really, you’re talking about losing Batman and Robin, Apache Chief and perhaps Samurai. Although I don’t know enough about his powers to know what his actual danger level would be.

As well, this segment violates one of the few consistent rules the show had. The reason the Superfriends listen to the Ridder’s conundrums is that they are always supposed to be true if interpreted correctly. Yet the riddle that led them to the mine did not in fact provide any "clue" to "where your three friends are." Leading the League into an ambush is kosher, but only if they gain what they sought if they survive.

Instead, they’re only rewarded with their next riddle, provided via the Riddler’s image as broadcast on a blimp. (!) This time they’re told, "If you think that was tough then tighten your belt / And find your next clue before you all melt!" The Superfriends are perplexed. "The Riddler’s clues are getting harder!" Superman heroically observes. "And we’re running out of time!" Actually, the second clue appears no more (and no less) vague and nonsensical than the first.

"At least he never lies with his clues," the Flash replies. "If we can figure them out, we’ll find the others." Even assuming that’s true, what’s to keep the Riddler from providing hundreds of ‘clues’ before issuing the one that provides the answers the League is looking for? This seems like a really inexact system.

Anyway, here’s the solution to the riddle:

Batman: "Wait, the Riddler said ‘tighten your belt,’ but there’s another spelling of the word ‘tighten.’ T-I-T-A-N. [Would it be entirely pedantic to point out that those are, in fact, two different words?] It means a giant! And who’s got the most gigantic belt in the galaxy?"
Robin: "Holy constellations, Batman! Of course! It’s Orion’s Belt!"
Green Lantern: "Right! And ‘before we all melt’ must mean our next clue is near the hottest star! [Not really. Lots of stars could melt stuff.] Let’s go!"

Back to the Toy Planet. "It seems like on this planet, all roads lead to nowhere!" Black Vulcan exclaims. (Huh?) Suddenly, Wonder Woman points at something. "Great Goddess!" she shouts. "Look! A giant dollhouse!" Here we cut to a wider angle, and see that the enormous ersatz edifice lies about twenty feet in front of them. (!) "It must be three hundred feet high!" Hawkman adds. Uh…OK. Actually, according to the animation it’s more like forty feet tall. I’ll take their word for it, though.

We cut to another angle, and suddenly the house is much bigger. (Although still nothing like three hundred feet tall.) We’ll be generous and assume it’s larger now because the Superfriends have gotten closer to it. Of course, from another perspective that’s not actually very generous. Because that would mean the trio decided, while trapped on a planet laden with deadly traps set by the Toyman, to approach a giant doll house. Maybe I’m just paranoid, but I myself would probably elect to bypass the thing, given the circumstances and all.

"Mama!" a shrill voice cries. "It sounds like a baby!" Wonder Woman replies. Well, not really, it sounds like Toyman trying to imitate a baby. Anyway. A giant toddler suddenly appears on the stoop of the house. "That’s no baby!" Hawkman exclaims. What a twit. "Quick," Black Vulcan contributes. "Run for it!" So you’ll fight stand there and fight Solomon Grundy or Bizarro or Gorilla Grodd, but run away from a giant mechanical infant?

Anyway, the giant robot baby soon has BV in its grip. So why not turn into lightning and fry its circuits, or at least escape? Dumb ass. He instead berates the automaton before being plunked into a giant glass baby bottle sealed with a rubber nipple. Which, admittedly, is not a bad cage for holding a guy made of electricity. Or whatever the heck he is. "He’s got Black Vulcan!" Wonder Woman trenchantly observes. Did guys really make a living writing dialog that majorly consists of stating verbally what is portrayed visually on the screen? I want me some of that money.

In any case, BV instantly cuts a hole through the glass and makes his getaway. Well, that was exciting. "Hurry," Hawkman yells. "We can hide in the house!" Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea! After all, there couldn’t possibly be anything dangerous in there. Amazingly, though, the others follow his lead. Let me restate this so it’s perfectly clear: Wonder Woman and Black Vulcan are letting Hawkman make the decisions.

Standing under a monstrous kitchen chair, BV declares, "This place is too big! There’s nowhere to hide!" Yeah, too bad that giant refrigerator directly behind you offers no possible concealment. Morons. "Great Lightning!" Hawkman exclaims. Oh, wait. No, it’s Black Vulcan that yells "Great Lightning!" That’s right, because he’s all electrical and stuff. Get it?

So let’s try that again: "Great Lightning!" Black Vulcan exclaims—yes, that’s much better—while gazing up at a giant wind-up cat that’s suddenly animated in the chair seat above them. "It’s a giant mechanical cat!" he helpfully explicates. "Quick!" Wonder Woman replies. "Up those stairs!" Yes, because clearly your only hope of survival is to head deeper into the house. I guess it doesn’t matter if they let Hawkman makes their decisions or not.

The three awkwardly clamber up the giant steps. I guess the idea is that while the black hole’s intense gravity keeps them from flying or shooting upwards as electrical energy, it leaves their leg muscles unimpaired. Yes, that makes perfect sense. Anyway, the cat follows them. Unfortunately, the stairs lead into a blind corner, leaving Our Heroes trapped and with no way out. "There’s no way out!" Hawkman shouts. "We’re trapped!"

The cat’s just about to kill them when suddenly the animator dies of a heart attack. No, sorry, that’s not right. Instead, they’re saved when Wonder Woman suddenly says, "Great Hera! The cat’s spring ran down!" I’m not kidding, this is really what happens. As Robin might say, "Holy Dubious Deus ex Machinas, Batman!"

So…Toyman can construct an artificial fake planetoid inside the center of a black hole, one trillions of miles from Earth, and he salts it with deadly wind-up giant robots that…run out of juice in under a minute. Amazing. This guy’s the Hawkman of the Legion of Doom.

Suddenly the roof of the house opens up, and we see the Toyman (?!) outside in a hover car. I have no frickin’ idea why he’d actually be on the planet. Yes, he does deliver unto Our Heroes some exposition. Still, that could easily have been telecast from the Hall of Doom, you’d think. In any case, here’s the relevant part: "This black hole is closing up (??!!) and only I know the way out! In a few hours, this planet and you will be sealed into a black oblivion forever!"

"Meanwhile," the Narrator narrates, "in the constellation of Orion, on a planet nearest its hottest star…" (Which would probably be pretty unfriendly to humans, one might suppose.) "The Riddler’s next clue must be around here somewhere," Superman observes. Boy, aren’t they going to feel silly if the Riddler’s riddle referred to Orion’s Belt, the hottest disco in Metropolis?

"We’ve been searching for hours," Aquaman whines. (What a tool.) "This planet’s nothing but jungle." Really, is bringing the entire group along the most efficient manner to search an entire planet? Are members like Batman or Apache Chief or Aquaman going to be much help in such an endeavor? Why not rely on, oh, I don’t know…Superman, maybe? After all, he could fly around the planet and use his super/X-ray vision to search the entire planet in minutes. Or he could work in concert with the Flash, who could travel over the planet’s surface in no time. Instead, they’re apparently been wandering around together on foot, waiting to see who gets super-bunions first.

Suddenly, the Assemblage of Ineptitude is greeted by the not-very-exotic Empress Zana and her two female consorts. (Well, OK, they are wearing one-piece bathing suits. They’re also white, which I found strange for a race living on a "jungle" world near "the hottest sun" in the Orion constellation.) Zana offers her assistance, as "I know all that happens on my planet." So…the Superfriends have been searching the planet for a nebulous clue for "hours," yet haven’t even noticed a colony of people living there? Cripes.

Zana’s "girls" use large diamonds hanging from their staffs (look, just go with it) to spread some Mysterious Powder on Our Heroes. Which takes some small amount of time, but luckily all of them just stand there while this happens. Not very good reflexes for guys in their line of work, you’d think. Also, not to beat a dead horse, but should they really be able to dose the Flash? Whatever.

"Excellent," Zana Mr. Burnses. (Obviously, I’m using the verbal form of ‘Mr. Burns’.) "The sleeping pollen will keep them unconscious for hours." Shouldn’t Superman be immune? On the other hand, the "hottest star" in Orion’s belt should be blue—if I’m remembering correctly—so Superman shouldn’t even have his superpowers here. I think that’s right. I know he’s powerless under a red star, like that of Krypton. It’s the yellow sun of Earth that supposedly grants him his superhuman abilities.

"We’ll have plenty of time to petrify these beautiful male specimens," Zana blathers (I guess she will, as in this shot the Superfriends have already turned to rock up to their waists), "and add them to our stone menagerie." Oddly, this sizable collection of petrified males turns out to be mere feet from where Our Heroes were standing. Again, if they weren’t noticing things like this, I’m not sure how they intended to find the Riddler’s ‘clue.’

Suddenly, the previously standing Zana is surveying the Hardening Heroes from a throne. Huh? Where did that come from? Were the Superfriends moved from where they were powdered? Does that account for their now being amidst the other petrified males, and would such an indicated time lapse explain why they’re half-petrified?

Perhaps. However, that in turn opens a whole other can of worms. For the Flash—who was painted half in stone color in the last shot, but is completely normal now—is heard thinking to himself, "Whatever these weird Amazon women have done, it’s turning the rest of the Superfriends into stone. But the atoms in my body are too fluid to solidify!"

Did it really take him all this time to come to this conclusion? Anyway, he as well has a solution to his comrade’s condition: "I’ll speed up the atomic motion in the others (?!) and get us out of here!" That’s doesn’t really sound too healthy to me, but hey, I’m not an expert on molecular agitation. As the veteran fan of the show might have guessed, this process is accomplished by the Flash’s running in circles around the other Superfriends at superspeed. The variety of things that can be accomplished by this action is truly extraordinary, and generally changed from episode to episode.

"What’s happening?" Zana demands. "Sorry to spoil your plans, Empress," the rejuvenated Superman informs her. "But we’ve got better things to do than stand around like stiffs." (Seinfeld aside, being super-funny was one of the few powers Superman hasn’t been granted.) So saying, the Man of Steel flies off, as do the others in a Green Lantern force bubble.

Uh…aren’t they forgetting something? Shouldn’t the Flash have maybe freed the rest of the petrified males? Aren’t they going to drop Zana and her underlings off at the Galactic Hoosegow, so that she can’t petrify any other males in the future?

Guess not.

Leaving the planet without finding the clue, the Superfriends head…somewhere. Luckily (I’ll say!), they manage to stumble across a satellite. Do people even get how big ‘space’ is? There’s a reason the word astronomical is used to indicate a gigantically remote probability. Anyway. It is, of course, the Riddler’s satellite, and he appears on its viewscreen.

[Side note: None of the Superfriends are wearing air helmets. Superman, for his part, could at this time exist in space without one. As for the others, I’m assuming that Green Lantern’s bubble provides them with oxygen somehow. However, what if a yellow micrometeorite came along and hit GL? He’d die, his force bubble would disappear and all the Superfriends he’s transporting would die in the vacuum of space.]

The Riddler congratulates the Superfriends on doing so well up to now. Uh, yeah. Other than nearly being killed on a planet they had earlier aimlessly searched for hours, seeking something that wasn’t there in the first place. Anyway, he gives them their third, and presumably final clue. (Presumably final because the Legion’s plans always seemed to have three parts.) "Follow your noses and you’ll hit the mark," the Emperor of Enigmas proclaims, "but even when you find them you’ll end up in the dark!"

We leave the whole riddle thing for later. Instead, we view events occuring "trillions of miles away, at the Hall of Doom." Speaking over their Perilous PA system, and with the U.S. Capitol Building on the viewscreen, Luthor addresses the "citizens of the world." (?!) "We have captured your Superfriends," he claims. A bit of an exaggeration, true, but then the guy is a supervillain. "If you ever want to see them again," he orders, "send all of the money from your national treasuries to the World International Airport, care of the Legion of Doom." Yes, that’s an airtight scheme.

Still, doesn’t it suggest a great Jim Carrey movie? Let’s say he’s a salesman who’s down on his luck, having just lost a big contract and his job and hot-but-bitchy girlfriend and is stranded in the World International Airport. However, it turns out his suitcase looks just like the one all the nations of the world use to send all the money from all their national treasuries to the Legion of Doom. Only a mishap occurs—maybe the Legion delegates Toyman to pick up the loot—and Carrey suddenly discovers he’s the owner of all the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries. And he goes nuts and buys a whole lot of stuff, like a really expensive car, and when he racks up huge speeding tickets it doesn’t matter because he has all the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries to pay the tickets with. And when the Judge, who’s like really old and pompous, says like, "Unless you can pay this court five billion dollars [because of the speeding tickets], I’m sentencing you to twenty years in jail," Jim Carrey would put a rubbery sardonic expression on his face and go, "Oh, rah-heeeeeee-ly?", and he’d pull a wad of billion dollar bills from his pocket (this would be part of the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries) and count out the five billion dollars, and then he’d give the busty stenographer in a low-cut blouse another billion dollars and tell her to buy herself something nice, and everyone would be all gaping in astonishment and stuff. Oh, and there’d be a scene where Carry has hired the Rolling Stones or James Brown or somebody to play in his living room. Then his hot ex-girlfriend would try to get back together with him, but we’d know it was only because Carrey now had all the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries. So he’d follow her lead and she’d think she was pulling one over on him, and we’d be all worried because we’d also think she was about to pull one over on him, only at the last minute he’d blow her off and she’d fall naked into a gigantic pool full of chocolate pudding he’d have, probably because he always liked chocolate pudding and now could afford to buy as much of it as he’d want, because he’s got all the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries. But then the Legion of Doom would learn they’ve got the wrong valise—maybe it’s filled with some wacky product Carrey sold, like whoopee cushions or laxatives or something, and hilarious stuff would happen, like Solomon Grundy would mistakenly eat the laxatives and get really gross-smelling zombie diarrhea—and they’d go after him to reclaim all the money from all the nations of the world’s national treasuries, and Carrey would use the money to constantly escape them in various ways and hilarity would ensue. Like maybe he’d buy the taxi from a Pakistani cab driver—for some crazy amount, like ten billions dollars—and then put on a turban and darken his face with tanning stuff, and Gorilla Grodd would show up just before he could get away and make him drive around looking for Carrey, and we’d be all laughing because Grodd wouldn’t even know Carrey was the guy driving him around in the taxi! And in the end the Legion of Doom would go to jail, and all the nations of all the world would get all the monies from all their national treasuries back, but Carry will have learned a valuable lesson about how you can be happy without money. Oh, but then he’d end up with several million dollars anyway, somehow, so that he would learn the lesson but still have a lot of money. Oh, yeah, and there’d be a sweet poor girl who helped him before he even had the money—maybe when he was depressed in the airport in the beginning of the movie, she gave him her container of chocolate pudding, even though it was all the food she had—and they’d end up together, and anyway she’d actually be hotter than the supposedly hot girlfriend from earlier in the movie.

Anyway, we should get back to the episode before I get off track.

We rejoin the main party of Superfriends, hovering around in space and considering the Riddler’s latest conundrum.

Robin, musingly: "’Follow your nose and you’ll hit the mark / But even when you find them, you’ll wind up in the dark?’ I give up, Batman. The Riddler’s clue seems unsolvable!"
Batman: "We’ve got to solve it, Robin!"
Superman, pointing at something: "Wait a minute, Batman. Look! See that area of no stars?" [??]
Batman: "Of course, Superman! The Riddler said we’d end up ‘in the dark.’ And that’s just what it is in the center of a black hole!"

"No one knows what’s at the core of a black hole," Aquaman interjects. "It could be incredibly dangerous!" (You think?) "Only the power of Superman and myself," Green Lantern offers, "will have any chance of getting them out and returning!" Finally, somebody said it. Although I’m pretty sure the force bubble keeping all the others alive is maintained solely through Green Lantern’s concentration. So they better hope there’s nothing too distracting inside that black hole.

Cut to the Toy Planet. "The Toyman left us no way out," Wonder Woman laments. "Maybe not!" Hawkman replies—good thing he’s not called Grammar Man—as Green Lantern and Superman make their appearance. "Look! It’s Green Lantern and Superman!" he exclaims. Thanks. "There’s no time to lose!" Wonder Woman tells their would-be rescuers. "This black hole is closing up fast!"

However, as Black Vulcan reminds them, they still don’t know Toyman’s secret escape route. "We’ve only got one chance of escape," Superman explains. "It’s dangerous…and it’s never been tried before!" Here Green Lantern chimes in. "With the help of my power ring," he adds, "Superman and I will combine our strength." I like the way they both just instantly come up with this. Maybe one late night over beers Superman and Green Lantern had the following conversation:

In any case, here are the details of the two’s seemingly off the cuff plan: GL fires his ring. He and Superman physically merge (!!), so that we end up with a glowing green figure who flips back from Superman to Green Lantern every second. Using their combined powers, they punch a hole out. You know, of the black hole. I know that doesn’t really make any sense, but it’s pretty much what happens.

Anyway, with an escape route now provided, the others fly after them and make their way to safety. No one mentions that ten minutes ago we were explicitly told the black hole’s intense gravity made it impossible for any of the three to fly. I guess they thought the kids who made up their audience would forget. Which is the sort of thinking that resulted in such a sucky show.

So they all come flying out, and of course the black hole ‘closes up’ one second later. Whew! That was…too close! GL and Superman split apart. Figuring the Legion’s up to something, they immediately head back to Earth. At least we assume they all do. They didn’t want to pay for a new animation shot featuring all the characters in space, so they use one from earlier in the episode, even though it lacks the formally captive Superfriends.

"Meanwhile," the Narrator segues," at the World International Airport…" Luthor and Brainiac are in the flight tower, gloating over all the loot being brought in. "You’re clear for approach, Flight 17," Brainiac says into a microphone, "provided you have at least ten million dollars." 

Ten million dollars? Look, I realize that was a fairly sizable hunk back in the mid-‘70s. Still, it’s going to take a while to bring them all the wealth of all the Earth’s nations at that rate. (And I’ve talked about this in a previous Superfriends review, but money is simply a barter mechanism. If the United States gives the Legion all it’s greenbacks, they functionally become worthless. There’s a lot more to it than that, naturally. Actually, it’d be fun to have a trained economist do a run down on what this all would bring about.)

Meanwhile, the Riddler and Scarecrow are seen driving a van around, presumably picking up some of the treasure. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that this is about as complex a task as you’d want these two to perform. But still…they each now own one-thirteenth of all the money in the world. It seems to me to be missing the point of such a thing if you still go around and do your own grunt work. Although one has to admire Scarecrow’s concept of conspicuous consumption: "We’re so wealthy," he preens, "I can afford to stuff myself with money instead of straw!" And that ain’t hay. (Thank you, ladies and germs, I’m here all week.)

Meanwhile, Toyman is flying around in a jet plane of some sort. I guess maybe it looks like a toy, although by definition, if it can actually fly it isn’t one. "Now I can afford to buy out all the toy stores in the world!" he giggles as he dumps a crapload of bills down on the flight tower. Again, this brings up the money issue again. If Toyman wants all the world’s toys, why not demand that directly? The whole cash thing seems kind of cumbersome at this point.

Also, if a guy can locate and fly out to a black hole trillions of miles from Earth, construct an artificial planet in its center, and then build a series of *ahem* deadly giant toys on said planet’s surface…I guess I’d assumed he could have bought all the world’s toys already. I mean, how many billions did we spend in ‘60s dollars just to get to the moon?

Suddenly, though, Luthor and Brainiac notice some odd blips on the radar screen. (Airport radar must be more precise than I’d have thought.) "I count eleven [blips]," notes Luthor, who is, after all, a genius. "The Superfriends!" Sure enough, Superman is soon lifting the flight tower—it comes off cleanly and in one piece, of course—off its base and flies away with it. This seems like a rather pointless piece of property damage, all things considered.

Meanwhile, Scarecrow and the Riddler find themselves in similar straits. "It’s Black Vulcan and Wonder Woman!" the Riddler worriedly minces. Which seems like a lot of firepower for capturing a dude made of rags and hay, not to mention a guy who spends his time thinking of new reasons why the chicken may have crossed the road. "I’ll fix them," the Riddler dubiously asserts, revealing his brilliant plan to run the two over with the van. Actually, that’s a refreshingly direct approach for this bunch, although I’m not sure I’d have targeted these two with this exact idea.

Unsurprisingly, BV and WW don’t exactly break out screaming. "It’s time to give the Riddler and the Scarecrow the shock of their lives!" BV exclaims. Man, I hate that guy. Anyhoo, he fires one of his electrical bolts at them, the kind that does whatever exact thing he has in mind for it to do. In this case, it causes the truck to break down into its component parts. I guess it’s supposed to be funny.

Meanwhile, Hawkman has been assigned to capture Toyman. I’ve got a team of scientists working out which of the two should be more mortified by this situation. It does afford Toyman yet another opportunity to employ the clever "Super Fool" line, though.

Cut to the battered Legion members heaped up in a pile. "Well," Wonder Woman notes, "we finally put an end to their evil game." "And it looks like we are the winners," Superman boasts. First, dude, nobody likes a gloater. Second, uh, yeah, that was already sort of implicit in Wonder Woman’s statement.

However, every episode must end back at square one. So Brainiac suddenly exclaims "You forgot about my cloaking device!" (Actually, they never knew about your cloaking device, ya putz.) So…the Superfriends defeated their foes, dragged them all into a big pile, but didn’t bother to check whether any of them were carrying a gun-shaped object the size of a hair dryer? Good work again, Superfriends. Especially since Brainiac’s outfit consists of a polo shirt and swim trunks. Where exactly was he keeping this thing?

The amazing thing about devices on this show, like BV’s lightning bolts or the Flash’s running circles, is that they always do different things based on whatever the user wants them to do. So while before the cloaking gun made it look like the entire Earth had disappeared, here it merely turns the Legion members invisible. Well, that’s convenient.

Although it doesn’t really seem like this would much help them to escape. Superman and the Flash could run around at superspeed and find them by touch. Green Lantern could just enclose the entire area in a force bubble and contract it. Batman could jam the device’s signal or cover them with anti-invisibility Bat ink or something. Whatever.

Instead, of course, the lazy Superheroes just let them go. "They’ve vanished!" Wonder Woman cries, presumably in case there are any reporters covering the scene. Meanwhile, the invisible Riddler gloats at them. "I’ve got a riddle for you," Batman retorts. "What has thirteen heads and belongs in a cage / Never learns a lesson and worsens with age?"

Amazingly, the Riddler is stumped by this brainteaser. Which pretty well illustrates why a lame bunch like the Superfriends always comes out ahead. "And next time," Superman lamely asserts, "you won’t get away." Actually, I’m guessing they will. In any case, we watch our protagonists sit on their asses as the invisible villains, only one of whom can fly, slowly shuffle their way to freedom.