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Off with his head!Off with his head!Off with his head!
"
Devoted to the savoring of films at the very bottom of the Cinematic Bell Curve
!"

 

!Our Newest Review!
!!REALLY!!

The Trial of Billy Jack (main review)

(Need background on Billy Jack?  Start with this introduction first!)

Three hours of hippies.  My longest review ever.  Screw Billy Jack, that guy doesn't know what a 'trial' is.  However, Andrew Borntreger of Badmovies.org does, because he reviewed the film too.  A link can be found in the review.
(04/11/04) 

[  Recent Additions  |  Alphabetized Archive  ]


 


The Green Slime
The B-Masters' Cabal pays homage to a great genre director.  For myself, I went the obvious route, as several actors thrust their granite chins forward to confront the titular mucous monsters.
(03/06/05)


The Classic Reviews Archive:
Jabootu's Dimension

Ministry of Antiquities has been instituted!
Thanks to the selfless efforts of Brandi Weed (Minister of Antiquities here in the Nation of Jabootu), eight "KWAM" articles have now been beautifully restored and brought up to date with our "new" look.  Which eight, you ask?  To find out, take a gander through the Alphabetized Archive section below.  Like they say, "gotta catch 'em all!"

Abe Lincoln Freedom Fighter
Does anyone else get the idea that this wasn’t "based on a true story"?
-review by Ken Begg

Bad Girls
The concepts for Bad Girls and Posse by the way are excellent. Despite this, both vanished pretty fast at the box office. Having not seen Posse I can't comment on that one, but in the case of Bad Movie, I mean Bad Girls, I sure can. 
-review by Jason MacIsaac

Bats
These marauders may not be fowl, but they certainly are foul.   (8/04/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg

Battlefield Earth
Holy crap.  Literally. 
- review by Ken Begg (11/11/01)

Battlefield Earth --  A Second Opinion
Correspondent Lianna Skywalker provides another take on this modern day classic.
- review by Lianna Skywalker (11/24/01)

The Beast (tv miniseries)
At the risk of dooming myself to a villainic downfall with my hubris, I’m going to make a similar gesture in this review. I swear that, after this brief introduction, I will not touch upon, to any degree, just how blatantly the made-for-TV debacle known as The Beast rips off Jaws and other Big Killer Something in the water films, so help me Jabootu. 
-review by Douglas Milroy

Beast of Yucca Flats
You gotta like a Bad Movie™ that has the word "Yucca" in the title. Add in star Tor Johnson and the lack of a soundtrack, and baby, you've got it all!
-review by Ken Begg

Bluebeard
What the hell happened to Richard Burton, anyway?
- review by Ken Begg (3/31/01)

Body of Evidence
It's common knowledge that Madonna has lusted after many, uh, things since becoming a pop star and general celebrity icon. And from all reports, few of them have eluded her clutches with the sheer tenacity of movie stardom.
-review by Ken Begg

Boxing Helena
Mr. Jason MacIsaac debuts his wry reviewing wit here by dissecting this Jennifer Lynch gem.  Kim Basinger knew better than to appear in it; Jabootu knows better than to ignore it. 
-The premiere work of Jason MacIsaac at Jabootu.com

Graphic graciously provided by Alan of "Oh, the Humanity!"

Brainathon '99 is behind us, but jump on in anyway and see what damage has been sustained by The Brain from Planet Arous after the mighty blows of Ken and the rest of the Magnificent Seven have fallen upon it...

The Brainiac
Let us say a merry "hello" again to our dear friend, Mr. K. Gordon Murray, the fellow who brought a berserk collection of Mexican fantasy films north of the border during the '60's. (This is The Greatest movie I've ever seen at B-Fest.)
-review by Ken Begg

Candy
You know that song, "I Want Candy"?  Well, it's a horrible, horrible lie.
Review by Ken Begg (4/28/01)

Can't Stop the Music
Jabootu's minions have been clamoring for this baby for quite some time now; finally, the goods are delivered!  You'll find Mr. Jason MacIsaac's treatment of this atrocity infinitely more entertaining than the film itself.
-review by Jason MacIsaac

Change of Habit  
(originally posted 7/25/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

The "socially relevant" Elvis movie.
-review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Clan of the Cave Bear
Ah, yes, the ancient days of man, when Feminism ruled the Earth. See cave woman Darryl Hannah fight the evils of White Male Oppression, as well as create Math and other nifty stuff.
-review by Ken Begg

Commando Girls
Let me start with a cautionary note. It seems unlikely, but it's always possible that someone, having read this review, will decide that they want to see the film. So just in case, you should know that this is the kind of cheap, nondescript movie that is often released under a number of different titles. That it’s true in this case is suggested by the title credit...
-review by Ken Begg

The Creeping Terror
Ken teams up with Andrew Borntreger's, the USMC's finest, to examine
Killer Karpets from Outer Space.  (04/13/03)

The Cross and the Switchblade
First of all, let me admit that I’m just a little bit uneasy mocking this film. This isn’t, like many of our subjects, a no-budget botch job perpetrated by hacks. It’s not another limping reiteration of some genre that’s been flogged to death. Nor is it an elephantine ego project gone awry. It is, in fact, an earnest and well intentioned flick honestly trying to do some good. It’s just that it does it so…bad.
-review by Ken Begg

Death Wish 3
The "Death Wish" series doesn’t follow one general rule of sequels, which is that they tend to get progressively worse with each subsequent flick (see the Jaws and Halloween series). In this case, the third film is by far the worst, so bad that the following pictures almost had to get better.

Die!  Die!  Die!
First Corey Haim was in a bad movie, and now Richard Grieco?!  Sad but true.  Details provided by correspondent Chris Magyar.  (12/19/01)

Doomsday Machine
The experienced Turkeyologist will begin preparing the cranberry sauce as soon as the theme music kicks in. Why? Because it is instantly manifest that said music has been stolen from the classic film Forbidden Planet (!!). This ‘electronic’ music is surely one of the most famous scores of any science fiction film. Using it displays a chutzpah, as well as a naked contempt for the audience, that will become all the more evident as we proceed.  
-review by Ken Begg

Double Agent 73  
(originally posted 8/11/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

OK, now weíre really getting to the fringe stuff.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed


________________________________

Special Section

Reviews From Abroad
by Liz Kingsley

________________________________

 

Dracula vs. Frankenstein
Our two mighty titans (they mean, of course, the Frankenstein MONSTER, not Frankenstein) battle it out to see who can present the most embarrassing new 'interpretation' of those classic icons.

 

Dungeons & Dragons
Nun of Jabootu Eva "Pip" Vandergeld returns with a review that's magically malicious! It's the one our readers have been calling for, and it's been worth the wait (10/19/03)
-review by Eva Vandergeld

Empire of the Ants
Ken gets antsy with the latest B-Masters' Cabal roundtable.  (09/21/02)
-review by Ken Begg

Exorcist II A quick bit of research shows that screenwriter Goodhart didn’t really do much before E2, and has done even less since. So at least there is some justice in the world.  
-review by Douglas Milroy

Fair Game
"Ah, finally film producer Joel Silver graces us with his long overdue presence. Much as Dino De Laurentiis stands as a symbol of Bad Movies ‘70s style, Silver can be said to represent everything wrong with films in the ‘80s."
-review by Ken Begg

Fire, Ice and Dynamite
Also known as Feuer, Eis und Dynamit, our hero Jason treats us to his hatchet-job of Fire, Ice and Dynamite, "a movie that was completely ruined because someone insisted on giving it a plot, characters, and worse, comedy."
-review by Jason MacIsaac

Firewalker
The success of Raiders of the Lost Ark spawned a number movies ‘inspired’ by Indiana Jones and his adventures (and his sizeable box office take). This movie is from the Cannon Group--now out of business. Why is Cannon out of business? We're about to watch Exhibit A...

Flowers in the Attic
Hollywood again shows its reverence for the printed word, adapting yet another Bad Novel into yet another Bad Movie. And while I should avoid the obvious, there's no getting around it: a more accurate title would be "Bats in the Belfry".
-review by Ken Begg

Forbidden Dance
Part of the Lambada double bill!
-review by Ken Begg

Frankenstein Island
Jerry Warren produced and (sort of) directed an uncompromisingly inept slate of sci-fi films starting in the 1950s. Warren would most often procure a foreign film, one from Mexico or Brazil or Sweden. He would remove from these what he wanted and build another (sort of) film out of the parts, pasted together with, well, Ďoriginalí footage might be a tad kind. Actually, now that I think of it, Warren should therefore have had a better grasp of Frankenstein than Frankenstein Island indicates. After all, both assembled monstrous creations from the dead parts of others. (2/13/2000)
-review by Ken Begg

Freddy Got Fingered:
My advice?  Don't get in a fight with Jabootu correspondent Eva Vandergeld.  Anyone who can sit through a Tom Green movie and live to tell the tale shouldn't be messed with.  (02/09/02)

From Hell It Came
Warning: While I’ve tried not to pursue my youthful love of puns in these reviews, I couldn’t ignore all the obvious ‘tree’ jokes. You’ve been warned.  Still, sometimes it’s a treat to go back to the really brainlessy goofy stuff. Your Giant Claws, your Jungle Hells, and, yes, your From Hell It Cames.
-review by Ken Begg
 

Future War
Uhm, cyborgs...dinosaurs...spaceships...Van Damme wannabes...cardboard boxes (lots of those)....  It's all part of the B-Masters' Cable Time Travel Roundtable. (04/11/04)

-review by Ken Begg

The Giant Claw  
(originally posted 6/8/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

See how it all started with the first review posted at our original site.  Ah, they don't make 'em like this anymore.  
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Girl in Gold Boots
...It was on the strength of Mr. Mikels’ name that I bought my copy of the previously unknown (to me, anyway) Girl in Gold Boots. After, that is, the horrendously juvenile cartoon ‘artwork’ on the cover drew my eye to the tape in the first place. (...And imagine my delight when I found out that they actually misspelled the main character’s name in the box copy!)
-review by Ken Begg

The Harrad Experiment
Some Bad Movies have that delicious quality of having been so cutting edge, that they became dated before they were even released to theaters...
-review by Ken Begg

Highlander II
"I must confess to having but one motivation--Revenge" 
-review by Jason MacIsaac

The Holcroft Covenant Most likely, Caine just knows when he’s in a film purely for the paycheck. In any case, The Holcroft Covenant contains what must be one of Caine’s worst screen performances. Like every other ‘character’ in the film, Caine’s is never believable for the slightest moment. Still, one should note that he gives it the old college try, even here. I’m sure he gave the film’s director everything he asked for. Also making a repeat appearance is Victoria Tennant, last seen fatally fleeing a cookie in the understated family drama, Flowers in the Attic (actually made two years after this).  
-review by Ken Begg

Invisible Ghost
We travel back to the early days of the Bad Movie with Jabootu pioneer Bela Lugosi.
- review by Ken Begg (1/13/01)

The Island of Dr. Moreau
I have a theory. There are two Marlon Brandos, and no, that ain't a fat joke...  
-review by Jason MacIsaac.

"It's Alive!"
Wet suits and ping-pong balls do not a dinosaur make.  It's a Buchananarama
for the B-Masters' Cabal.   (06/28/03)

The Jaws Series: 


Jaws
It's a classic!
--reviewed by Ken Begg (09/05/03)

Jaws 2
It's not a classic!
--review by Ken Begg (09/13/03)

Jaws 3-D
Dim, desultory & dunderheaded, apparently.
--review by Ken Begg (09/20/30)

Jaws: The Revenge
Ok, this one sucks.
--review by Ken Begg (09/27/03)

 

Johnny Mnemonic  
Matrix, I must admit, looks pretty damn cool. This despite one very big reason to doubt its quality: It’s a Cyberpunk Science Fiction Movie starring Keanu Reeves. And if History is to be any guide, that’s very bad news. For if the hoary stench of Jabootu has emanated from any single sci-fi movie of the ‘90s, it’s Reeve’s Johnny Mnemonic. Ah, Johnny Mnemonic
-review by Ken Begg

Jungle Hell
Actually, "Elephant Hell" or "Stock Footage Hell" would be much more appropriate. Still, if you've ever hungered to know what Sabu movie was the worst, look no further...
-review by Ken Begg

Lambada & The Forbidden Dance
The B-Masters exchange Cannon fire in our latest roundtable.  Ken's guns are trained at the company final chapter, as Cannon's founders release dueling Lambada movies.

The Last Dinosaur
Your generic Ahab stand-in comes across your generic "Lost World/Continent/Whatever" and fights your generic Last Dinosaur. Any questions?

The Lonely Lady  
(originally posted 6/15/97,de-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

This 1983 Pia Zadora classic exposes the <gasp> sleazy side of Hollywood... again.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Magnificent Obsession
It should be noted that of the film’s reviewed here so far, only Magnificent Obsession was a huge hit. It was one of the very top box office hits of 1954, and for many years after was considered a classic. Also noteworthy is that this is the first "chick-flick" so far, and contains the first overt invitation to flame us as well. -review by Ken Begg

The Master Gunfighter
 The B-Masters' Cabal sets out for the Gunfight at the Not At All OK Corral.  Ol' Klondike Ken, for his part, draws down on Tom "Billy Jack" Laughlin, aka The Master Gunfighter. 
-review by Ken Begg

Maximum Overdrive  
More cinematic atrocities have been committed in the name of Stephen King than any other author.  Maximum Overdrive was written for the screen and directed by...Stephen King. Mr. King has officially renounced all rights to complain about what hack filmmakers do to his writings henceforth, because he has proven he can trash them up there with the worst of them. 
-review by Jason MacIsaac

MegaForce
What’s one clue that you’re in for a big steaming bowl of cinematic crapola? When you can’t even make it through the opening credits without feeling like you’ve been kicked in the head.

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
The super team of Eva Vandergeld and Patrick Coyle unleash their deadly 'trenchant observation technique' on this woeful martial arts/video game sequel. (07/03/04)
-review by Eva Vandergeld & Patrick Coyle

On Deadly Ground
Take an overpaid and under talented star at the very peak of his earning powers, let him not only star in his own big-budgeted pet project, but write and direct it as well. Swirl in the obligatory, Hollywood lefty agitprop ("Sure, the kids will see some action and have a good time, but they’ll also learn something"). Finally, spice it liberally with the humiliation of a respected veteran movie actor who has more talent in his nose hair than Seagal has in his family, and you end up with the recipe for On Deadly Ground.
-review by Ken Begg

Orca
Dino De Laurentiis has seemingly produced more Bad Movies than everyone else put together. He hit an especially rich period when he became obsessed with the idea of outdoing Jaws, case in point...
-review by Ken Begg

The Oscar
The annual presentation of the Academy Awards approaches. So what could be more timely than to examine The Oscar, one of Hollywood’s greatest fiascoes? -review by Ken Begg

The Patriot
Unfortunately, Steven Seagal opens his big mouth more than his big Can o' Whupass in this latest addition of the Seagal Chronicles.   (6/16/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg

Prayer of the Rollerboys
Members of the B-Master's Cabal assign each other a movie.  So you can blame Andrew Borntreger of Badmovies.org for this one.  I know I do.
- review by Ken Begg (11/17/01)

The Promise
The Promise
is a Chick Flick. Now, when I say Chick Flicks, I mean something deeper than a film having a non-macho orientation. No, I refer to movies that are designed to appeal to all that is alien to men in the female mind. That serve to reconfirm to males that women are completely insane, utterly different and, ultimately, wholly unknowable. Sort of the gender opposite of the Three Stooges.
-review by Ken Begg

Prophecy
...An "environmentally conscious" Horror Movie directed with ponderous, undigested dollops of "artistry" by name director John Frankenhiemer.

The Queen of Outer Space
A highly realistic portrayal of the American Space Program.  Part of the B-Master Cabal's Body Parts Roundtable. 
- review by Ken Begg (8/11/01)

Raiders of the Living Dead
Awarding a film the title of Worst Zombie Movie is certainly a crapshoot--Zombie Lake, anyone?--but this is certainly a contender.  Ironically, like the Frankenstein Monster it was stitched together from parts taken from several other inert motion pictures.  Learn the 'grave' details, ha ha.  (10/31/04)
-review by Ken Begg

Reptilicus
Copenhagen is crumbling under the assault of Reptilicus!  It's all part of the latest B-Masters' Cabal Roundtable.  Start here and work your way through this garden of delights!   (8/11/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg

Post-Apocalypso banner, courtesy of Dr. Freex

Robot Holocaust
Aficionados of Mystery Science Theater 3000 will recall our subject with some affection. One of the earliest shows during the programís cable run, Robot Holocaust quickly established itself as a fan favorite. Tom Servo, surveying any desolate field or cityscape, would for years to follow solemnly intone the final section of the opening narration... (4/16/2000)
-Review by Ken Begg

Bangs 'n' Whimpers

Robot Monster (part of the Bangs 'n' Whimpers collective) 
Jabootu's second foray into "cooperative venture" territory, Robot Monster provides one film's take on how the world as we know it might end.  Ken HPoJ provides one man's take on that notoriously silly film. (12/26/99)
-
Review by Ken Begg

Rock Ďn Roll Nightmare  
(originally posted 7/25/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

...claims its place as one of the great unheralded horror comedies of the 1980s. (Review not long enough to warrant a separate web pages for a long version; Word doc is again a twin of the condensed version.)
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

R.O.T.O.R.
Did you know that RoboCop has a retarded cousin he never talks about?
- R
eview by Ken Begg (12/09/00)

Santa Claus  
(originally posted 6/15/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

Santa, with the help of Merlin the Wizard, fights the devil over the fate of Mexico.
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Sea Serpent
Well, it took the World of Cinema almost thirty years to come up with a monster as goofy as The Giant Claw, but they finally succeeded with this flick...
-Review by Ken Begg

Sextette 
"Even the layman will quickly perceive how having the octogenarian Mae West toss out sexually oriented japes affronts everything that human civilization stands for..." ( 4/2/2000) 
-Review by Ken Begg

Sheena
It's a Bad Movie site two-fer as Andrew Borntreger of Badmovies.org and I visit with the Queen of the Jungle and her amazing herba! [No, that's not a typo]]  (07/12/02)su
-Review by Ken Begg

Showgirls  
(originally posted 7/25/97, re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

What Bad Movie page would be complete without this shining example? (Note: This film isn't complex enough to earn one of my "insanely long web documents", so the zipped Word file is the same as the condensed version.)
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Sincerely Yours
Experience the raw sexual charisma that made Liberace such a chick magnet.
- review by Ken Begg (2/10/01)

Sphere
Any given movie will most likely hurt Bad when it tells us it was based on, inspired by, or ‘faithfully’ adapted from a story by : Edgar Alan Poe, Brahm Stoker, H.P. Lovecraft, Stephen King, or (most recently) Michael Crichton. 
-The premiere appearance of the work of Douglas Milroy.

Stacy's Knights
Jabootu guest reviewer and filmmaker Chris Magyar takes the deck to deal a little justice to this early Kevin Costner vehicle, which didn't 'suit' him. (01/02/05)
-review by Chris Magyar

Star Trek V: The Final Frontier
The Federation faces the greatest threat to its existence: William Shatner's rampaging ego. See his tender valentine to his own character, Captain James T. Kirk. 
-review by Ken Begg

A Stranger Among Us
Now, we all know that there’s only one taboo word in Hollywood: Originality. But still, A Stranger Among Us must surely rank as one of the all-time, most naked rip-offs in cinema history. 
-review by Ken Begg

Supersonic Man
Here’s a dirty little secret about the Europeans: They love our movies. In fact, they love them so much that they spend a lot of time (if little money or logic) aping them.   Which brings us to Supersonic Man, a Spanish/Italian co-production that rips off (and if you haven’t figured this out, you should now leave the room) the Christopher Reeve/Richard Donner flick Superman... 
-review by Ken Begg

Street Wars
The horrors of the drug trade are exposed in this gritty, slice-of-life drama!
- review by Ken Begg (10/06/00)

The Super Ninja
The Cabal takes on hordes of Ninjas.  You bastard! (02/09/02)

Superman IV:  The Quest for Peace
The Cabal fights the evil forces of Bad Movies!  Me?  I take on the Man of Steel himself.  Keep your mitts off my nukes, Superman!!  (05/18/02)su

 

The Swarm  
(originally posted 9/7/97; re-commissioned 2/16/2000...)

King of the Bee Movies, this star studded monstrosity inspired my longest text piece. I'd just check out the short version, if I were you. 
-Review by Ken Begg; restoration by Brandi Weed

Teenage Zombies
From the makers of Frankenstein Island!
- review by Ken Begg (11/11/00)

Terminal Island
And now it's time to discuss that lovely sub-genre of film known as the Women in Prison (WIP) movie. Like slashers, they follow a simple formula so rigidly that you could call it a template.  Our subject for today, Terminal Island, is technically a WIP flick, although it doesn't have a prison. Instead, inmates are simply dumped on the island and left to fend for themselves. (I wouldn't go comparing this to Escape From New York, made 8 years later. If I were John Carpenter and somebody speculated this might have ‘inspired’ my movie, I'd sue the blood out of them.)...
-review by Jason MacIsaac

They Saved Hitler's Brain
Too bad they didn't have it write the movie.  Part of the B-Master Cabal's Body Parts Roundtale. 
- review by Ken Begg (5/19/01)

Tomcats
Guest reviewer Eva G. Vandergeld throws a mountain of shoes at this caterwauling flick.  (10/27/02)

The Uninvited  
...there are the truly rare movies like The Uninvited. I swear, Jabootu took a personal interest in this one. It’s not that they made this one bad on purpose, even though that would be easier to understand. For this is one of those films whose plot concept is so inherently untenable, so utterly devoid of any possibility of success, that it strains credibility that it could have been produced.  
-review by Ken Begg

Werewolf in a Girl's Dormitory
Itís all there, isnít it? In terms of boiling down the traditional lures of violence and sex into one short formulation, itís perfect. (4/8/2000) 
-Review by Ken Begg

Wheels of Terror
In 1971, an up and coming director with a number of TV credits under his belt made a TV movie that was more or less an extended chase scene. It was a simple story, and a well told one. Today, this director’s name is one of the best known in Hollywood, and he’s directed or produced some of the top grossing films of all time.  This is not his story.
-Review by Jason MacIsaac

Wizards of the Lost Kingdom
Films I haven’t been planning to review seldom jump ahead in line, and it generally takes a lot to grab my attention. Recently, though, I was channel surfing and came across a film so instantly and obviously atrocious that it demanded my immediate regard, as I'm sure you'll agree. 
-review by Ken Begg

Wizard of Mars
Believe it or not, the film is sort of, vaguely (very, very [very x10] vaguely), patterned after The Wizard of Oz. Although there is nothing in the credits of the movie itself, the IMDB actually throws a story credit to L. Frank Baum, author of the Oz novels. (I'm sure the IMDB could put a stop to those rattling windows, door slammings and dark apparitions haunting their offices if they'd just take that credit down and give Baum's tormented spirit some peace.)  
-review by Jason MacIsaac

Take A peek at Jabootu's predecessor, Ken's World of Awful Movies, maintained by the Ministry of Antiquities and National Treasures 
of The Nation of Jabootu .