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JABOOTU DOWN UNDER

Guest  Reviews  By  Liz  Kingsley

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You know, if I’ve learnt anything from doing this "Jabootu Down Under" series of reviews (other than that I really need to think before I commit myself to things), it’s that you should never underestimate the ingenuity of American TV writers. I went out on a limb when reviewing Part 1 of this epic adventure, and pronounced that the vanishing surf carnival was the stupidest part of the whole story.

Well – I was wrong.

But since some of the reasons I was wrong are geographical as well as dramatic, and therefore perhaps not as apparent to my beloved readers as they are to me, I’ve appended two maps to this review, demonstrating 

(i) the whereabouts of Fort Denison; 

and (ii) the distance of Avalon Beach from Sydney Harbour.

Any other visual aids you might find scattered within the text are entirely the fault of Mr. Kenneth Richard Begg….

[Jabootu Ken: Sounds like an invitation to me...]

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As those of you with long memories might recall (and for the benefit of those people who couldn’t be bothered re-reading Part 1, for which I don’t blame you one little bit), we left the young Terence Barnes fleeing in horror from the news that his father intends to take him to live in California. Meanwhile, the squad of professional cheats who comprise the Australian Eco-Ironman-Triathletics team were beginning to work their evil ways upon the innocent and trusting members of Team Baywatch.

Part 2 opens with kayaker Kendra Reilly putting the moves on Cody, seducing him with the following display of wit and charm:

"Cody, right?"
"Right."
"Ha, ha! Sounds like the hero of an American cowboy flick!"

She then slides a suggestive finger across his chest and invites him for a swim. As she walks away, Cody looks her up and down, realises that even if she is a moron, she’s built, and obediently follows.

We cut to the pool, and since if these "Down Under" specials have taught us anything, it’s that Australian women have incredible difficulty keeping their tops on, it comes as very little surprise when we see (or rather, don’t see) that Kendra has discarded hers. (It comes as still less of a surprise that this sequence contains some rather odd camera angles.) While breasts are out of the question, bikini thong-clad lower extremities are obviously okey-dokey, as we get some lingering tight shots of Kendra’s just-concealed nether regions and exposed buttocks as she slides into the water. As disco-fied didgeridoo music wafts through the air, Kendra and the slavering Cody swim away, the camera suddenly taking flight up to the ceiling….

….while back in Mitch’s room, The Mighty Hoff lies sleeping, as the evil and scheming Nicki Masterton puts her cunning plan into effect, artfully arranging things so that it appears that certain Romantic Activities took place. After switching off his bedside alarm, and scattering roses, champagne bottles and lingerie around the room, Nicki pauses. She may be both a cheat and triathlete, but she is also A Woman; and, overcome by the brute masculine force that is The Mighty Hoff, she pauses by his bedside, and kisses him tenderly. "Another time – another place," she breathes wistfully, and vanishes into the night….

Early the next morning, we find Terence Barnes continuing to express his opinion of the prospect of living in California. "I won’t leave and you can’t make me" reads the note he leaves for his father, as he packs up his bag and his dog and heads for the hills. Or at least, the beach.

Alex comes up to collect Mitch who, thanks to Nicki’s machinations, has overslept. She has two cups of takeaway coffee in her hand, and as she knocks, one of the paper cups slips an alarming ninety degrees, with surprisingly little ill-effect. I guess that despite the efforts of AIR NEW ZEALAND, STAR CITY CASINO and PAUL MITCHELL PROFESSIONAL SALON PRODUCTS, the show’s budget didn’t stretch to real coffee. Or perhaps tradition demanded adherence to the long-standing soap opera convention of never actually putting anything in anyone’s cup. Mitch finally answers the knock, clad only in a sheet. At last! Something for the ladies! As calliope-like "This is funny!" music plays on the soundtrack (doo de de doo doo, de doo de doo dooo….), Alex looks past him, sees the state of the room, and blurts, "Did you even get to bed last night!? "What?" responds Mitch, who apparently made it from the bed to the door without noticing the state of his room, or that he was walking on rose petals. Alex takes a look in the direction of the bedroom, sniffs, "Oh, I see that you did!" and storms off. And then, not content with the coffee cup trick, writer Maurice Hurley pays tribute to the very roots of comedy writing by having Mitch rush out after her, shouting, "Alex, wait a minute! Nothing happened!", so that his door can swing shut and catch his sheet. And yes! A couple of women do immediately appear in the corridor. And where Hurley found the strength of character to resist making them nuns, I’m sure I’ll never know.

After a brief shot of Terence rowing himself towards a small sailing boat, it’s time for Kip Kane’s Eco-Ironman-Triathlon!! We get a few picturesque establishing shots over the harbour (in which the replica of the Endeavour drifts past; like the ferry race footage in Part 1, this looks like cut-in stock footage from recent Australia Day celebrations), and then some close-ups of Fort Denison, the starting point of The Great Race. The fort is covered in banners for PAUL MITCHELL PROFESSIONAL SALON PRODUCTS, and there are dozens of people milling around waving flags (about half-half Australian and American, strangely enough), and grinning, and generally trying to look like watching the start of Kip Kane’s Eco-Ironman-Triathlon is the high point of their lives so far.

There are, of course, two schools of thought on this subject. Some people believe that the unemployed should be willing to take any job, no matter how seemingly degrading, rather than take a hand-out. Others think that there are certain lines that human dignity should not be asked to cross. Watch these scenes, and you may find yourself inclining to the latter opinion.

Mitch is still trying to explain himself to Alex when Nicki swans past, trilling, "Morning, Mitch! It’s a beautiful morning!" Alex sniffs, and suddenly the penny drops for ol’ Mitch. "Are you jealous!?" Of course, Alex gives him the "We’re just friends" routine – oh, Alex, Alex! How can you lie to yourself like that…? As she walks off, Kip Kane digs an elbow into the bewildered Mitch’s ribs and leers, "Hey, hey! Wild night, huh?"

The other "pairs" are also joining up again. Cody tells Kendra that "I’m glad your Mom was a believer in the, uh, buddy system!", while Duggo and April have another metagrobolizing conversation:

"Hi! Wow! You look great in cozzies! But then, I knew you would!"
"Thanks!! Uhhh….what are ‘cozzies’?"

What – are – cozzies…. Well, I’ll tell you what, April: I’ll give you a hint. That isn’t a reference to the fact that you’re in the Southern Hemisphere. Now, think real hard….

(Tell me, oh gentle readers: are Americans really as incapable of figuring out mild slang as they’re always made out to be?)

An announcer then welcomes everyone to the "PAUL MITCHELL Sydney Challenge!" and introduces "Team Baywatch, USA!" and "Team Sydney, Australia!"

"This is a stage-race! Paddles, runs – with a little surprise! Then – more of the same!"

(They really didn’t think this thing through, did they…?)

A gun is fired, and to the cheers and flag-waving of those unfortunate extras, the PAUL MITCHELL Sydney Challenge is underway! And before many seconds have passed, we see why Team Sydney, Australia, took a blanket decision to cheat: they can barely figure out how to get their paddles into the water, let alone use them in a co-ordinated fashion. It’s going to be a long race….

(One amusing shot shows the kayakers crossing in front of the Bridge from left to right – a glance at the accompanying map of the harbour should tell you what’s wrong with that.)

We cut briefly to Avalon, and Jake discovering that the sensible Terence has run away; and then it’s back to the race. Out on the water, the tactics of the Evil Australians are paying off, as Mitch and Alex continue to squabble instead of concentrating on their paddling. Over in the next kayak, Kip congratulates Nicki on the success of their dastardly scheme. Mwoo-ha-ha! Nicki, however, feels pangs of guilt at pulling such a dirty trick on The Mighty Hoff. But finally, she and Kip agree on their next move: "Let’s hammer them, then lay on the commiserating!" Mwoo-ha-ha-ha!!

And then The Inevitable happens. As their kayak glides past some mesh fencing, April inquires innocently, "Hey, what are those fences for?" "Sharks," replies Cody. Surprise! "Sharks!!" exclaims April. Having gotten that Contractual Obligation out of the way, the two begin to review their previous evening’s activities, with April hoping that Cody didn’t wear himself out, snigger, snigger!

(Actually, this whole sequence is funny for reasons that would be totally lost on non-locals. So far, the main thing that the two "Down Under" specials I’ve examined have in common is their insistence that women in Australia will take their clothes off at the slightest provocation; JAG even managed to work in an entire plot-thread based on this point; while both shows expended considerable energy on getting as many not-quite-nekkid people in front of their cameras as possible. At the same time, they both shied well away from the reality of the local situation. For instance, had the cameras trained on April and Cody swung to the left at this point, the Baywatch producers might have really had a ratings winner on their hands; because, unless my memory is playing tricks on me, the particular stretch of shark-netting we’re looking at is up near Lady Jane Beach aka Lady Bay – a genuine nudist beach!)

Meanwhile, Kendra and Duggo are agreeing on how much they like the accents of their American rivals – "Very sexy!" – while Kip is still doing what he’s been doing since the start of the race: shouting "Left! Right! Left! Right!" at supposed triathlon champion, Nicki. (I think a big ‘L’ and ‘R’ on her hands might have been more useful.) These individual incidents have all taken place with the four kayaks quite some distance from each other, but suddenly, they’re all in a cluster and heading for the beach. The four pairs make it onto shore, at what appears to be Bradley’s Head, to the south of Taronga Zoo. With endless shrieks of "Go! Go! Go! Go!" they change shoes, grab a drink, and inspect the maps provided, then sprint off to the applause of still more embarrassed extras.

Back at Avalon, Allie is showing Jessie around, before we get one of the most cringe-worthy cameos in the history of television. Now, it may be that my non-Australian readers don’t know who Rene Rivkin is; if so, I envy them; and since I have no intention of giving this utter !@#$%?&$ any more publicity, I shall simply say that in the unlikely event that there was anyone out there still wondering whether the illustrious Mr Rivkin had any shame, we’ve just laid the issue to rest.

Anyway, Allie introduces RR as "the executor of Clare’s estate", which proves to be about $12,000. Jessie helpfully observes that she wouldn’t call that much of an estate, allowing the cigar-puffing RR to respond smugly, "It will be by the time I get through investing it!" He then bestows a handshake upon Jessie (yecchh – wash your hands, Brooke, quick!), and this nauseating sequence is thankfully brought to a close. Jake comes charging up to announce that Terry has run away. Unperturbed, Allie demands to know why he would have done that, and Jake confesses that he was planning on taking the boy to Los Angeles. (You know, I really am struggling awfully hard to keep myself from saying how reasonable I find Terence’s behaviour….) Jessie, Buddha-like, opines that the note Terry left means that he wants Jake to find him. She knows this from "personal experience". (From which we infer that her father took off without leaving a note.) "Clare would know where to find him!" Jake says bitterly. Uh, Jake? If Clare were here, none of this would be happening, you jerk! (Oh, how I wish that Clare were here!) Allie reveals that a lot of Clare’s stuff is in storage in "a garage on St Anne’s Bluff", and suggests that they might find something there. The question of what, exactly, is left to our imaginations.

And then it’s back to the race – and things begin to get really confusing! (Consult your maps, people!) The producers must have decided to use this section of their show to highlight as many different beauty spots in Sydney Harbour as possible, as the contestants now leap from landmark to landmark with a disregard for basic geography that’s truly awe-inspiring. Giving the show the benefit of the doubt, I’ll revise my initial conclusion and say that the kayakers put ashore near Camp Cove, and we’ve been watching them run around either Laings Point or South Head itself, probably the former. At any rate, having reached a vantage-point at the top of a cliff, these supposedly fierce competitors with a point to prove all stop to admire the view. It is at this moment that we get the one line in this whole show that seems (presence of the word "Awesome!" aside) to have had local input, attitudinally as well as content-wise. One of the girls remarks on how beautiful everything is, and Kip agrees.

"Most awesome harbour on the planet, and Captain Cook sailed right by it, the idiot!"

The competitors’ next destination is identified (although not by name) as North Head, and they learn that they must abseil down to waiting jet-skis. (By the way, I’m still puzzling over Kip’s initial declaration that this race was going to end "in the bush". I guess that anything outside of the Sydney CBD qualifies as "the bush".) They begin the climb down (with lots of tricky angles to disguise who’s actually doing the climbing), and the camera pulls back just a tad too far, revealing a line of houses not far from the cliff edge – and also revealing (unless my eyes deceive me) an outrageous piece of cheating, as the start of this abseiling takes place at the cliffs near Coogee Beach, in the Eastern Suburbs, but it ends at the rocks below The Gap, on the far side of South Head. (Apart from its scenic beauty, The Gap is famous – or rather, infamous [and I’m sure the local Tourist Board will just love me for telling you this!] – as one of Sydney’s prime suicide spots. In fact, if you ever hear an Australian say they’re thinking of "heading for The Gap", you might want to call for help….)

Kendra, Duggo, Cody and April make it safely down the cliff. Apparently forgetting that this is supposed to be a race, instead of jumping into their boats and tearing off for North Head, they just stand there staring up at the other, uh, "competitors" (I suppose I have to keep calling them that). And so they have a perfect view when, halfway down, Nicki suddenly slips and ends up dangling upside-down on the cliff-face. "Hang on!" shouts mastermind Mitch as he goes to her aid. He grabs Nicki, and untangles her – and then leaves her hanging, threatening to drop her unless she confesses to her shenanigans in his room the previous night. Now, of course, if Nicki had half a brain, she’d realise that----

(If – Nicki – had…. Do you believe I just said that!?)

Anyhoo, Nicki immediately shrieks, "It was Kip’s idea!" Oh, great! We’re cheats, bad sports, and squealers! "He thought it would create dissent, get you fighting, put you off your game!" After she further confesses that "Nothing happened!", Mitch helps her up, and the remaining four reach the rocks below safely. At that moment (and now you’ll understand why I’ve been harping on the geography of this sequence), someone pokes their head over the edge of the cliff and yells (in an unexplained American accent), "Kip! There’s a kid in trouble back at Fort Denison! No-one else can get there! We need your help!"

Now please, people, if you will, take another look at the map provided. Our heroes are on the far side of South Head, remember, while Fort Denison is over near the Bridge and Circular Quay – in other words, about five minutes from the heart of the city. But no-one can get to this kid but Kip Kane!? Apparently, we have no water police. Or helicopter rescue teams. Or SES workers. Or ground police, paramedics, firemen or St John’s Ambulance officers. I guess they all ran away with those NSW Surf-Lifesaving teams – we certainly haven’t seen hide nor hair of them since they vanished from Avalon Beach.

Meanwhile, at Clare’s garage (for which Allie just happens to have the key), Jake finds that his beloved sportscar has been preserved. He then picks up a box of Clare’s papers. The first thing that comes to hand is a photo of the night they met, the second, a letter written to Jake from Clare but never posted. Thoughtful of her to leave it out in the open like that.

Jake begins to reminisce about his wife, a girl with "an incredible hunger for life". This, however, soon segues into a fit of sulky whining about her treatment of himself. Allie reproves him, and Jake retires to the balcony to read the letter, which we first hear in his voice, then in hers. (We note that this "incredible girl from Sydney" also sports an inexplicable American accent.) This scene is accompanied by soaring helicopter shots of the cliffs, then by gooey flashbacks of Jake and Clare on the beach, kissing, holding hands, watching the sun set (but not, thankfully, eating ice cream together). The letter is, I think, worth quoting in its entirety:

"I never knew her!" chokes Jake, perhaps realising what a narrow escape he had from life with a complete freak. Or perhaps not, as he tells Jessie that he now understands what she and Mitch, in their infinite wisdom, had been trying to tell him, that he must grow up and stop thinking only of himself. Jessie and Allie beam approvingly. Jake then demonstrates his newfound maturity with a brainwave: did Clare have a boat? Allie phones the Surf-Lifesaving Club, and learns that Clare’s boat is missing. Since – as we’ve just learnt – there’s no such thing as a professional search-rescue service in Sydney, Allie then offers to take the sea-plane up in a search; because, you know, it’s not like her employers expect her to make money with it or anything. Jessie volunteers to go with her, and Jake heads back to Avalon. We get a brief cutaway to Terence in the boat, and see that a swell is getting up. Dum dum dummm….

Back on the harbour, our heroes are rushing to Fort Denison on their jet-skis. Interestingly, they pass beneath the Bridge while doing so, which means they either overshot Fort Denison by about a kilometre and had to turn around and come back, or that the previous scenes took place somewhere up the Parramatta River – an area not generally known for its cliffs and beaches. Eventually, the pairs do find themselves approaching the Fort. There is a small group of people near the waterline, and all signs of the "PAUL MITCHELL Sydney Challenge" have completely vanished.

The "kid in trouble" turns out to have one of the Fort’s huge blocks of carved stone pinning her leg, and she is in danger from the rising tide. A woman, presumably the kid’s mother, gives an eyebrow-raising explanation of how her daughter came to be in this situation in the first place: "She was playing under the rock, and got stuck!" ("Hey, Mum! Can I pretend I’m a sea louse?" "Sure, honey!") The rescue team leaps in tries to move the rock, but is unable to. The tide continues to rise, and Mitch assures the trapped girl that he will "give her breath" – breathe into her mouth – as the water rises. Then he calls for "that rope!" – eh? What rope? Well, never mind, suddenly there is a rope; and it is tied around the rock and to the back of the jet-skis. The tide has now risen about a foot in the space of ten seconds, and Mitch goes into his breathing trick as the others pull and push at the rock. And of course, they move it enough to get the kid out. Much "Whoo!"-ing and "Yeah!"-ing and punching of the air follows.

This sequence, by the bye, is shot with the city used as picturesque backdrop throughout, which does rather tend to emphasise the idiocy of the "no-one else can get there" plot point.

Visually, the following sequence is a genuine highlight of this silly show. The majority of the "Down Under" specials shot in Sydney never get away from the Harbour, and show the same old landmarks over and over and over. To give the devil his due, at least this Baywatch episode has shown its viewers something a bit different; and it does so again here, as Allie’s search allows the producers to integrate some rather lovely aerial shots of the cliffs bordering the Eastern Suburbs. Terence is finally spotted "just off Bondi Beach". Allie calls Jake, who tells her to call Mitch and have him come to the dock to be picked up – leaving us to ponder how Mitch got from Fort Denison to Avalon in the first place. (You might want to consult Map 2 for this sequence.) The two men set out in a rubber ducky (which is referred to, rather more formally, as an "IRB"). As Allie and Jessie watch, Terence manages to run his boat onto some rocks and smash his propeller. Allie radios Jake, who tells her that he and Mitch are "off South Headland". (That’s "South Head", Jake, but never mind….) And then Allie does something that sent my jaw crashing to the floor: she calls for help from our helicopter rescue service.

You know, I’ve often wondered who, exactly, watches Baywatch. I guess now I know: people with attention spans of sixty seconds or less.

Anyhoo, Allie radios Westpac that they are "a mile east of Tamarama". Meanwhile, Mitch and Jake are already closing in. Up in her plane, Allie suddenly worries, "Where’s his dog? He won’t leave without it!" And sure enough, Terence is standing at the top of the stairs down into the cabin, staring in dismay at his dog, which is curled up rather comfortably and refusing to budge. (Why doesn’t he just go down and grab it?) A wave pushes the boat against a rock, and Terence is jolted into the water, where he shrieks and thrashes in a way that seems odd for someone who spends most of his spare time swimming or surfing. Mitch plunges into the water and grabs the kid, who wails for his dog. Mitch conveys this to Jake who, yes, proves his parental credentials by rescuing not his kid, but his kid’s dog. And then (and not a moment before), the Westpac helicopter draws near. Hardly worth their time coming out, really….

Fade to Waverley Cemetery (which, rather perversely, is one of the most beautiful places in Sydney, and a major sightseeing spot), with Jake and Terence visiting Clare’s grave. Jake then tells Terence that he’s changed his mind, they’re not going to California – that they won’t leave Sydney unless he, Terence, wants to. But, he warns his son, he’s going to fill his head so full of California that he’ll be begging to go – "the sun, the sand, the fast cars!" "Gee, Dad – we don’t have any of those things in Sydney," Terence jeers sarcastically (well, okay, maybe it was me), and the two climb into Jake’s sportscar and drive off. Hmm, let’s see: no license plates, no seatbelts. My bet? They’ll be under arrest before they get a hundred yards up Macpherson Street.

By now you might be wondering whatever happened to the "PAUL MITCHELL Sydney Challenge", not to mention Kip Kane’s future as a race organiser. Well, relying on the attention span of their core audience, they just drop that particular plot thread. I sure hope that AIR NEW ZEALAND, STAR CITY CASINO and above all PAUL MITCHELL PROFESSIONAL SALON PRODUCTS feel they got their money’s worth out of that little venture.

We cut back to Avalon, where Alex and Jessie have donned the bright yellow Avalon S.L.S.C. cozzies. Cody bounces in, and learns that his colleagues are about to ‘Q’. "Qualify as Avalon Surf-Lifesavers!" explains Jessie excitedly. Kip tells Cody that they all worked so well together when rescuing the kid at Fort Denison, that he wanted to find a way they could continue on as a team. "So I spoke to Surf-Lifesaving Australia, and they’ve invited you to stay!" Suddenly, Mitch finds himself faced with a full-scale mutiny. No problem, says Kip – and offers him the Avalon uniform as well: a skimpy pair of Speedos.

But don’t get your hopes up, girls. During the following scenes, Mitch doesn’t participate, but instead watches paternally (and fully dressed) from the clubhouse balcony as his team goes through its paces. This episode has, in fact, been rather short on the old T&A, so in the last five minutes, it makes up for its dereliction of duty with lots of slow-motion shots of the Baywatch team Q-ing. We see them running along the beach, rowing the surf-boats, doing that stupid "standing in a line to show off their cozzies" thing. We leave them standing in a line, silhouetted against the sunset, gazing out into the pounding waves.

Hmm – I wonder if now would be a good time to tell them that Australian surf-lifesavers don’t get paid…?

• Early Baywatch actor, the Australian Peter Phelps, say 'goodbye' to television's greatest triumph.

-Review by Liz Kingsley