WARNING: Objects in Reviews
Are Larger Than They Appear
promotion. We can do that. Especially when we stand to
gain nothing from it.
Previously, the Dreaded B-Masters' Cabal had
worked together on en masse events. We started with
everyone doing the same movie. Then
we got topical and tried to cash in on Y2K fears.
On 18 August 2000, Godzilla 2000 was released in American theaters. (By the way, the guys at
StompTokyo published a review
of the Japanese version well in advance of that date.) For us of the Cabal, the
anticipated return of the real Godzilla to the English speaking world
was one of the ties that bind
our hearts in cult movie love -- and a topical excuse to round up some big monsters in some little
And so, ladies and gentlemen (and indecisive
types) and boys and girls of all ages, as they said in the promos for
Godzilla 2000, and without further ado...
Let's Get Ready to Crumble!
|And You Call
Yourself a Scientist!
her own theory: that the reason The Bird came to Earth was to lay an
egg. "It’s the only thing that makes sense!"
(Um – yeah. If flying "millions and millions of light
years" from an anti-matter galaxy to a matter one in order to
reproduce "makes sense". And I thought the
panda was badly designed!)
||Then we get our
first shot of the title monster, shown in slow motion for cool
emphasis. Whether this is wise, given our subsequent ability to
study the less than utterly realistic creature at some length, is
X from Outer Space
Guilala's head is tilted back while stumbling across the set. I
imagine the actor was desperately peering around in an attempt to
figure out what was going on. Good luck buddy
||It looks like
some kind of gigantic jellyfish or squid, unless you remember it's supposed
to be based on a single cell, and then it looks like a giant mutant
neuron. (Takes a lot of nerve to visualize.)
& Scott Hamilton
of the Gargantuas
||Just when things
look bad, salvation comes in the form of a giant green humanoid that
wrestles the octopus into submission, then eats the crew.
Oops, we guess the giant green humanoid wasn't salvation at all, but
actually an ironic, evil, grinning death.
|Bad Movie Report
||At the stadium,
the Evil Capitalist has not only chained him up to various John
Deere Tonka toys to see who can pull whom, but the crowd in the
stands is pelting him with fruit. Slight digression: at what
point can throwing crap at something a hundred feet tall and pissed
off be deemed a good idea?
King Ghidora (1992)
undersea: Shindo's sub is dutifully making it's way to the Bering
Strait, when -- what's that ahead? That, huge, bipedal,
corduroyed thing? (Wait a sec while they turn on the rock star
lighting behind him.) It's Godzilla! And he's in the
mood for a good sub sandwich!
efforts of the Japanese peace-keeping forces, Godzilla is still
running rampant. He descends on the egg's incubator and rips
it to shreds. It's hard to say what his motivation is here,
except that it's either jealousy over being a childless loner or
possibly a free continental breakfast.
||Keith Allison (Ol'
Ichiro must dream, dream, dream himself away to sweet monster
Island, where Minya introduces him to an unimpressed Godzilla, who
would rather swat airplanes out of the sky than talk to his stupid
son's nerdy friends.