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Sardu
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1126 Posts |
 Posted - 06/30/2006 : 11:27:37 PM
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I just watched Ultraviolet. I went into it with a hard heart. I knew its reputation and I resolved that I would watch it with the Hong Kong mindset; that is I would enjoy its aesthetic, the visuals and fight choreography, and the part of my mind that usually processes things like dialog and plot would be a beautiful shiny nothingness, a happy nirvana that the movie would not penetrate.
Shortly it was clear that this was the path of madness. The movie would beat me- I knew this only 10 minutes in. But as I watched a strange thing occurred to me- perhaps it was all a stunningly subtle satire; a great joke on all action-sci-fi-vampire movies ever made. A great sense of comfort and calm welled within me. It was so obvious now. No human would make a film like this unless it were meant to be a great work of irony. By the time the lead bad guy looked at Our Heroine and intoned the words "Oh it's ON!" for the final climactic fire-bushido-battle I was in awe at the achievement unfolding on the screen before me. A look at the "making of" featurettes further reveals this truth. Every person involved had a purity of purpose that boggles the mind. They never break character. these are method filmmakers, where the art extends not just to the film, but the way the film was made, each person "believing" that they are making this insane movie in reality and projecting this belief both into the documentary and the final film itself. It is performance art. The satire was not only the result, but the execution of the result. Again, I am stunned at the resolve of a man- an AUTUER- that could pull this off
My friends, I submit that we have all been duped and the Ultraviolet is in fact the greatest work of subversive post-modern cinema yet realized. Bravo, Kurt Wimmer, your intellect has bested us all.
This IS the only rational explanation. It MUST be so. It must. This is the only way. Reason must be upheld. Otherwise all is madness. It must... it must... it... it... AAAIIIIEEEEEE AAAIEEEEEEEEE!!!
Coming soon-
Eraserhead: The Musical!! |
Edited by - Sardu on 06/30/2006 11:47:10 PM
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Sardu
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1126 Posts |
Posted - 06/30/2006 : 11:58:02 PM
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You see, there is logic in the lack of logic... order in the chaos- it all means something, DON'T YOU SEE! And the name Violet- it's not just a way of making a lame pun for a title- NO! IT'S MORE. The connection to Willy Wonka- it's so... so complex, you see... I think I grasp it for a moment and it all flies away..
My mind... this film has destroyed my mind... I beg of you, do not watch- NO !! SEE IT NOW!! NOW!! Bwaaahahahaahaahaaahaaahaahahahaahaahaahaha
Coming soon-
Eraserhead: The Musical!! |
Edited by - Sardu on 06/30/2006 11:58:38 PM |
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Gristle McThornbody
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
Germany
186 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 07:05:21 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Sardu
You see, there is logic in the lack of logic... order in the chaos- it all means something, DON'T YOU SEE! And the name Violet- it's not just a way of making a lame pun for a title- NO! IT'S MORE. The connection to Willy Wonka- it's so... so complex, you see... I think I grasp it for a moment and it all flies away..
My mind... this film has destroyed my mind... I beg of you, do not watch- NO !! SEE IT NOW!! NOW!! Bwaaahahahaahaahaaahaaahaahahahaahaahaahaha
Coming soon-
Eraserhead: The Musical!!
I'm sorry it's come to this, but it's intervention time. Put the DVD down, put your hands up, and step away from your remote control. Walk this way, please. Here you go, have a nice soothing Bombay Sapphire jinnintoniq. Now, you have a choice, the director's cut of Blade Runner or a nice collection of Ray Bradbury short stories. There...isn't that better?
"Hi, I'm Bob Evil!" |
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Neville
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Spain
1590 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 08:40:21 AM
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I would recommend a dose of Philip K. Dick's real irony and subversion straight to the vein.
And about the movie, Mila Jovovich should feel really ashamed of this one. It's THAT bad. Essentially it's a remake of Wimmer's previous effort, Equilibrium, but somehow maintaining all its deffects (crappy CGI look, silly plot) and erradicating all its virtues, like decent acting, funny fights and some clever dramatic scenes. |
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John Nowak
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1017 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 9:42:12 PM
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I think Ultraviolet was made to beat BloodRayne at the Razzies. That's my theory.
And the inability of actors on a commentary track to say, "Wow, this was really bad" is something to ponder. I mean, I work on software. I have a reputation for being, uhm, outspoken about issues. And yet, I'd never dream of sitting in a room with someone I worked with for an extended period of time and saying, "Wow, do we suck or what?" Maybe I'd say something like "I'm a bit concerned about issue X" or "I think we can do this better." So, I can certainly respect an actor's refusal to say something like "That costume looks ridiculous on me," or "Why in the name of God did you change the bit in the script that explained this?" I wouldn't say that either, certainly not in public.
Still, it's a shame that the only line spoken in the commentary tracks for three Uwe Boll films I think is true is "Kristiana Lokken is very tall."
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We've always been united in stupidity. That's why there is no hope. But, then again, when has that ever stopped us?
-- hbrennan |
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Sardu
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1126 Posts |
Posted - 07/01/2006 : 10:10:48 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Neville
I would recommend a dose of Philip K. Dick's real irony and subversion straight to the vein.
Can you mid grasp the shocking truth- Kurt Wimmer is Philip K. Dick's Clone!! It's the only answer.
(Yeah, I'll take that shot- quick! *g*
Coming soon-
Eraserhead: The Musical!! |
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Neville
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Spain
1590 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 07:23:42 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by Sardu
Can you mid grasp the shocking truth- Kurt Wimmer is Philip K. Dick's Clone!! It's the only answer.
[Empire strikes back mode]
Neville: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible.
Sardu: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
Neville: Nooooo. Nooooo.
(Neville leaps from his window)
[/Empire strikes back mode] |
Edited by - Neville on 07/02/2006 07:24:17 AM |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 07/02/2006 : 11:56:28 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by John Nowak
I think Ultraviolet was made to beat BloodRayne at the Razzies. That's my theory.
And the inability of actors on a commentary track to say, "Wow, this was really bad" is something to ponder. I mean, I work on software. I have a reputation for being, uhm, outspoken about issues. And yet, I'd never dream of sitting in a room with someone I worked with for an extended period of time and saying, "Wow, do we suck or what?" Maybe I'd say something like "I'm a bit concerned about issue X" or "I think we can do this better." So, I can certainly respect an actor's refusal to say something like "That costume looks ridiculous on me," or "Why in the name of God did you change the bit in the script that explained this?" I wouldn't say that either, certainly not in public.
True. When the people who worked on a project views the finished product, they usally discuss how it could have been done better because they will have to go out and do something like it tomorrow!
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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John Nowak
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1017 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 12:05:32 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Greenhornet
True. When the people who worked on a project views the finished product, they usally discuss how it could have been done better because they will have to go out and do something like it tomorrow!
Right. And films are made by a small number of people, who may have to work together some time. So while I'd love to see a no-hold-barred commentary track on a bad movie, I'm not sure how much respect I'd have for someone who would say, in public, "Bill screwed up the camera setting here because he's an idiot, so we had to make it a day for night shot."
Or whatever.
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We've always been united in stupidity. That's why there is no hope. But, then again, when has that ever stopped us?
-- hbrennan |
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MikeC
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
749 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 12:17:08 PM
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But, I'd watch Mila Jovovich read the phone book
in Russian. Preferably dressed like Leelu from
THE FIFTH ELEMENT.
Or is the movie THAT BAD?
MikeC |
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John Nowak
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1017 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 12:45:22 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by MikeC
But, I'd watch Mila Jovovich read the phone book
in Russian.
I'd actually put it below BloodRayne in terms of being a watchable film. That was almost, but not quite, a film. On the other hand, Ultraviolet is a mess of disconnected set-pieces.
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We've always been united in stupidity. That's why there is no hope. But, then again, when has that ever stopped us?
-- hbrennan |
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Neville
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Spain
1590 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 1:32:15 PM
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| And, MikeC, the cinematography is quite blurry, and Mila keeps (this time) her clothes on, so there's not much here to see, even for those who have a crush on her. Like me. |
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Sardu
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1126 Posts |
Posted - 07/03/2006 : 9:03:42 PM
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I'd watch Bloodrayne any day of the week over this. Boodrayne is an inspired Ed Woodian crapfest. Ultraviolet is just excruciating.
Coming soon-
Eraserhead: The Musical!! |
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