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Altar Boy of Jabootu
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 Posted - 06/04/2006 : 10:03:10 PM
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Way back in the late 1950s, a fellow by the name of Kevin McClory got the bright idea of putting the character of James Bond up on the big screen. To this end, he wrote a script with Bond author Ian Fleming. Despite McClory’s best efforts, the project never got past the planning stage. Ironically, just a few years later, two other fellows, Albert Broccoli and Harry Saltzman, succeeded where McClory had failed and the rest is history.
However, Broccoli and Saltzman’s purchase of motion picture rights to Fleming’s Bond novels and short stories did not include “Casino Royale” (which had already appeared as a TV adaptation and would eventually show up also on the big screen in 1967 as a spoof produced by Charles Feldman). The other title omitted was “Thunderball,” a novel which Fleming adapted from that earlier script written with McClory. A court decision determined that the film rights to this story belonged to McClory, who, just to get the ball rolling, partnered with Broccoli and Saltzman, for the first and only time, to produce the movie version in 1965. Furthermore, McClory retained the film rights to this story, but agreed not to attempt to make another Bond picture himself for ten years.
Well, it took him longer than that to actually get another 007 movie into production, but McClory finally accomplished his goal in 1983 with “Never Say Never Again.” It was intended to be an original story, but another court decision determined that the film must be only a remake of “Thunderball.” And that is wherein the problem lies.
You would think that 18 years would have provided enough advancements in motion picture technology to allow this remake to surpass the original. Especially with the heralded return of none other than Connery, Sean Connery to the role that made him famous (take that Broccoli! Saltzman didn’t care as he had faded from the scene by this time). Instead, this is what McClory came up with:
This being a so-called “rival” production (released the same year as the “official” series entry, “Octopussy”), we are not allowed to see Connery stomp across the screen and fire at the camera, causing blood to trickle down. In place of this iconic image, all McClory could muster was a screen full of 007s, which could be mistaken very easily for 700s, leading one to believe they have erroneously been tricked into watching a biography of Pat Robertson and his “700 Club.”
But, no, there’s James Bond running up a country road, although the country may be South America. Since when does the world’s greatest secret agent have to hoof it? Did he forget where he parked his Aston Martin? Anyway, he comes across a large house in the middle of this jungle he’s in. Finding a guard at the perimeter, Bond makes short work of him with his patented Knockout Punch, whereupon he takes the guard’s machine gun. Did he forget his Walther PPK, also?
Next, Bond climbs a utility pole. It’s nice they have such amenities in the jungle, isn’t it? There are more guards about, so Bond distracts them by throwing a Frisbee which makes a sound like a flying bird. This allows him to slide over on the utility lines to the top of the house. Once there, he garrotes one poor fellow, then he blows a dart through a tube into another guy’s neck. So far, I can’t tell if he’s on a mission or has just been driven into a murderous rage by one of the crappiest Bond movie theme songs of all time, which is currently blaring on the soundtrack. You know, in the “official” series, they would at least hire someone you have actually heard of to perform the song (with the possible exception of Lulu warbling “The Man With the Golden Gun.”). I have never heard of the woman who sings this one, Lani Hall, before or since. Perhaps this was her “big break” which turned out to be a career killer instead. It couldn’t have been the best day for lyricists Alan and Marilyn Bergman, either.
Meanwhile, the other dopes in the house are playing chess (that’s right, chess, not poker) unconcerned about the squawking Frisbee or the ruckus on the roof. Bond rigs a rope so he can dramatically swing in through the open window and kill all of these guys. But first, he throws a little device in the room which explodes and then lets out a continuous, loud and highly annoying tweety-bird sound, causing the guards to yell and hold their hands over their ears. At this point, does Bond swing in through the open window? No, he decides to smash through some closed shutters on the other side of the house just to be a show-off. Then he proceeds to mow everybody down with invisible machine gun bullets. I didn’t see any indication of fire coming out of the muzzle.
Finally, his objective is revealed. There is girl who is tied up to a bed. Bond, you devil, were you just trying to avoid having to wait in line for some lovin’? But wait, there’s still one more guard! The two tussle for a while with Bond eventually prevailing with that old Knockout Punch again. As he unties the girl’s bonds (no pun intended), she produces a knife from under her pillow and stabs him right in the arm. Bond grimaces, supposedly in pain. More likely, he was thinking how Derek Flint wouldn’t have fallen for this. Even Matt Helm, drunk on his ass, would have seen that one coming.
Suddenly, we see an instant replay of these events on the tele, from the same precise camera angles, as per the usual practice found in the Lazy Filmmaker’s Handbook. Viewing this intently is a stuffy male Brit who is clearly unimpressed, if not downright disgusted with what he sees. Unless he was reacting to that bloody awful theme song. At any rate, this chap turns out to be the new M, who, unlike his “illustrious predecessor,” has a big bug up his behind concerning the Double-O agents. So much so, that he has been forcing Bond to undergo numerous wargame exercises (such as the one now showing on BBC 1) when he doesn’t otherwise have the secret agent man teaching.
Wargames, huh? Aside from the lack of fire coming out of that machine gun, it sure looked like he was offing those guys to me! Plus, hey, guy. Get a clue! This is JAMES BOND here! How many damn times has he saved the world from the brink of destruction and you are wasting his time and talent on this nonsense? Of course, Bond screwed up the mission! I don’t do my job very well either when my boss gives me unnecessary work to do. Bond tries to explain this to M in so many words, but like most new bosses, he has to prove that he is in charge. To this end, M orders Bond to check into a health clinic to remove what he calls the “free radicals” from his system.
This begins a section of the film I like to call Lame Joke Alley, brought to you by former “Batman” TV show writer Lorenzo Semple, Jr. When Bond queries about what “free radicals” pertain to, M explains that they are toxins that inhibit the body from working to its optimum. Examples he gives are red meat, white bread and Vodka Martinis. Our first joke is Bond offering, “Then I’ll give up the white bread, sir.” Yuk, yuk, yuk. M scolds, “Oh, you’ll do more than that, 007,” and brings up the health clinic thing. At this point, Bond should have just shot the snooty bastard. When questioned by higher authority as to why he killed M, he could simply reply, “Well, I do have a license to kill. Don’t aggravate me or you’re next.”
Joke Number 2 occurs when Bond leaves M’s office and passes by good old Miss Moneypenny. Or is she the “new” Moneypenny? It’s confusing having the original James Bond back but everyone else looking different. At first I thought the change in actors was why they had a new M. But, apparently, she’s the same Moneypenny, so what gives? Anyway, she asks Bond if he has been given an assignment. He replies, “Yes. I’m to eliminate all free radicals.” She responds (with genuine concern), “Oh, do be careful.” Hardee har har.
When Bond arrives at the health clinic, he drives up in a classic old jalopy convertible. Could it be that the Aston Martin is in the gar-age, as they say in Britain? This is immaterial because the car only exists as a lead-in to Joke Number 3. An attendant greets Bond by complimenting him on how they don’t make cars like that anymore. Bond replies, “Right. It’s still in pretty good shape.”
We immediately cut to Bond on an examining table. A doctor informs him that his body “has enough scar tissue for an entire regiment.” Bond’s response…get ready to guffaw…is “Right. But it’s still in pretty good shape.” Is that a knee-slapper or what?
After being informed of all the “healthful” ordeals he will be undergoing, a nurse, who is standing several feet away from the table, asks Bond to fill a specimen beaker with his urine. Cue Joke Number 4: Bond asks, “From here?” Are you peeing your pants yet? Even the nurse visibly winced at that one!
You know, the word is that Connery had script approval. Did he really think that he had to have as much (so-called) humor in this 007 adventure as his old boss was doing with Roger Moore? Why didn’t he just go back to work for Broccoli instead of making this mess?
From here, we take a breather from Lame Joke Alley and switch locations to what must be the First National Bank of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. The members of this clandestine organization are having a meeting in their secret basement, the entrance to which is behind a wall of fake safe deposit boxes. Some old guy who is fondling a Persian cat is blathering on about how their next and greatest E-vil moneymaking enterprise will blow away all their previous E-vil plans. He informs one and all that “Number One” is in charge of this operation, known as “The Tears of the Audience”…oh, I’m sorry, “The Tears of Allah.” On cue (and without any visible pressing of buttons to cause this to happen), a wall painting transforms into a video monitor displaying the visage of said Number One (live via satellite, I presume). This brings up the question…if the guy on the TV is Number One, who is the fellow with the cat fetish? Number None?
Now it’s Number One’s turn to blather on as the bearded guy gets off on sniffing his cat’s fur. Some wimpy U.S. Air Force captain has been hooked on heroin and forced to undergo a complicated surgery wherein his right eye has been replaced with that of an exact duplicate of the eyeball currently residing in the head of the President of the United States.
Let’s mull that one over for a bit. First, how do they know exactly what the right eye of the President looks like, externally and internally? Second, if they have such advanced technology, why don’t they just market it instead of trying to hold the world to ransom? It seems to me there would be a lot of money in fake eyeballs and the implantation of such. They might be able to cure the blind! I guess there’s just nothing E-vil about that, though, so they took a pass on that strategy.
Moving on, Number One announces that Number Twelve, a woman with a flamboyant fashion sense, has been assigned to take Captain Wimpy to a health clinic to recuperate from this surgery. Guess which clinic they go to?
One night, sometime later at this clinic, Bond is getting his usual exercise…in bed. His post-coital sip of contraband booze is interrupted by a ruckus in another room across the courtyard. He gently gets out of bed, trying not to disturb the sleep of the beautiful female physical therapist (who has been taking her job a little too seriously) to take a gander out the window. He spies (get it? spies?) a nurse bashing her patient’s head repeatedly against a wall! Unknown to Bond, but known to us (if we have stayed awake this far), the nurse is Number Twelve and the patient is Captain Wimpy.
Now stay with me for this because this is precious. Before Miss Twelve entered Wimpy’s room, he had been enjoying a cigarette. She smells the leftover smoke and chides him, pointing out that the smoke may damage that fake eye that S.P.E.C.T.R.E. has gone to all the trouble and expense of implanting in his empty head. So what does she do? She rips off the bandage covering the fake eye and begins bitch-slapping him! This eventually leads to the head banging which so turns on Mr. Bond that he decides to engage in a little Peeping Tom action outside of Wimpy’s window. I’m no doctor, but I do believe that cigarette smoke would do a lot less damage than all of that physical trauma she doles out to the guy.
By the time Bond gets over there, he has missed out on the rough stuff. All he sees now is Miss Twelve consoling Wimpy with baby talk. “Now,” she coos, “darling must do his little trickie in 8 seconds. Then nursey will give baby his candy.” She hikes up her skirt to reveal a syringe strapped to her garter belt, which I presume is full of the previously mentioned heroin. Right about now, I’ll bet Bond is thinking he owes “M” a debt of gratitude for sending him to such a free-thinking health facility. With nurses and physical therapists like the ones we have here, this place is right up Bond’s alley!
The “trickie” which Wimpy must perform involves looking into some peep show device which cleverly pops out of a suitcase. Bond gets into such a tizzy over not being able to see what Wimpy is viewing that he accidentally causes the window shade to go flying up. As he goes off to hide in the shadows, no doubt with all 007 inches fully erect from the excitement, Wimpy freaks out. “Ohh!” he yells. “Who’s that?” Then, to Miss Twelve, “There’s a man! Out the window!” You know, this guy’s real name is Jack Petachi, but you can see now why I call him Wimpy. Conveniently, Miss Twelve just happens to have some night vision binoculars. As she scans the outdoor darkness of the courtyard, she gasps as she spots the intruder. Wimpy asks if she knows the man. She replies, “Oh, yes. Double-O-Seven.” Well, James, so much for being a secret agent. Shame, shame, apparently everyone knows your name (and number).
The next day, Bond goes back to Wimpy’s now vacant room and actually enters it this time. He runs his hand under the mattress, probably looking for some stashed dirty magazines. All he finds is a pack of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. brand cigarettes. The matchbook has on its cover the same graphic that Bond spotted on Wimpy’s duffel bag the previous evening.
Well, as per the rules of these spy pictures, Miss Twelve can’t just shoot Bond. Instead, she sends some big, burly guy later on to the gym where Bond is working out. The two get into a rock-em, sock-em fistfight which takes them all over the clinic, wrecking the place, as only about two other people even notice this going on. Ultimately, the bout winds up in a room full of glass bottles and specimen beakers where Bond triumphs by…get this…throwing that beaker of his own piss in the guy’s face. This causes the big fellow to react as if he just got an acid bath. As he stumbles back, he smashes into a shelf full of bottles and beakers, some of which become imbedded in his back. This, along with Bond’s toxic urine, kills the guy. Or maybe it was just the urine because Bond himself is unscathed from when burly guy tossed him into a similar shelf moments earlier with no cuts or bruises at all resulting. I imagine someone in publicity must have thought of using this for advertising purposes: “James Bond is so tough, even his piss can kill!”
Back in London, Bond gets his ass chewed out by M. Even though someone was clearly trying to murder 007, M keeps bitching about how he has to use up some of his already meager budget to renovate the health clinic. Don’t they have insurance in England? Besides that, perhaps M would have some more money available if he didn’t waste it on sending Bond to South America for wargames!
Meanwhile, at Swadley Air Force Base, we are finally let in on why Wimpy needed that fake eyeball; only the President (or, actually, only his eyeball) can arm a couple of cruise missiles with atomic warheads. Since the folks at S.P.E.C.T.R.E. were pretty sure that the Pres wouldn’t do this little favor for them if asked, they needed an imposter (or, actually, a fake Presidential eyeball) to load the nukes up for a scheduled test run. Curiously, Captain Wimpy can simply stroll into a high security room, which just happens to have no surveillance cameras in or near it, and perform this chore, with the aid of his briefcase peepshow device. What’s really funny about this scene is that there is an audible female computer voice which confirms, for all the world to hear, that the dummy warheads have been replaced by the real thing. Was everybody at the base out smoking a cigarette during all of this? On top of that, the bomb loading room is completely automated, and, again, not equipped with surveillance cameras, so no one is any the wiser.
Also strange here is why nobody questions why Wimpy suddenly decides to beat a hasty retreat from the base just as the whole exercise is beginning, although the guard at the gate does give him a dirty look. As he is driving away, Miss Twelve comes out of nowhere and brings up her vehicle parallel with his. While congratulating him on accomplishing his mission, she gives him a most unexpected “bonus;” a huge snake! I would like to note that while his steering wheel is on the right side (this being Britain), her steering wheel is on the left side. This is something else gleaned from the Lazy Filmmaker’s Handbook, which allows her to lob that snake right into his lap.
Well, you have to have guessed, considering how he freaked out when he saw Bond peeking in the window earlier, that a damn snake would really drive Wimpy into a panic. He does, and in his frenzy to get rid of the reptile, he goes flying off the road, does a flip(!) and crashes into a conveniently placed abandoned building. His bad day is not over yet, however. As Miss Twelve retrieves her pet snake Reggie, she plants a bomb on Wimpy’s overturned vehicle. She then strolls back to her car and detonates the bomb with a remote control.
Hey, lady…just a thought, here. Don’t you think that maybe you should have waited for confirmation from the head office that the nukes were successfully secured by the other S.P.E.C.T.R.E. operatives before you killed Wimpy? What if something went wrong? You would have to start all over again, hooking another Air Force guy on heroin, implanting another expensive Presidential eyeball in his noggin, and then wait for another scheduled cruise missile test run. What do you think Number One would say about that? Hell, what would Number None say? A goof-up like that would certainly be a firing offense. And when you get fired from S.P.E.C.T.R.E., as Wimpy just found out, you don’t live long enough to seek employment elsewhere!
Fortunately for Miss Twelve, the bombs were secured, with the help of some guidance jamming signals sent up to the missiles by a man I will call Mr. Herb Edelman Look-A-Like. During this scene, as the missiles fly, we must endure some extremely lame aerial visual effects. This footage looks like outtakes from “The Concorde: Airport ’79.”
Next, we cut to a camera lens protruding from the mouth of a shiny metal skull which was viewed earlier at S.P.E.C.T.R.E. headquarters. Facing this device is Number None, who explains that he is the Supreme Commander of the Special Executive For Counter Terrorism, Revenge And Extortion, or S.P.E.C.T.R.E. for short. Wait a minute…shouldn’t that be S.E.F.C.T.R.A.E.? Who came up with that acronym, the cat? Actually, those viewing what turns out to be a broadcast may believe that it is indeed the cat who is talking via telepathic powers as only the feline is visible on the screen. The folks watching this, all crowded in front of big screen TV, appear to be the Leaders Of The Free World (or L.O.T.F.W. for short). How is it that all these people knew to get together at this particular time to watch the tele? Was S.P.E.C.T.R.E.’s ultimatum listed in TV Guide?
Anyway, the Supreme Commander (or is it Criswell the Cat?) warns the assembly that they had better be prepared to start coughing up some major moolah, annually, or KABOOM! As everyone starts in on a cacophonous chorus of watermelon, watermelon, the Head Brit tells M (since when is M a World Leader?) to get those Double-O agents back in action.
During all of this, Mr. Bond has been doing some research on that crossed flag logo he has seen twice recently. Somehow it ties into a man named Maximilian Largo, a fabulously wealthy cuckoo bird who just happens to also be Number One. Dun, dun, DUN! Actually, dun, dun, DUN would be preferred to the crappy music score provided for this film by Michel Legrand. I’ll bet the “official” series veteran composer John Barry was laughing his ass off when he heard this soundtrack.
Moneypenny interrupts James with the news that he must report to M’s office. Once there, he is informed of the two stolen nukes, one of which is to be hidden somewhere along the eastern U.S. seaboard. The second one will be planted near some Middle Eastern oilfields. I was half expecting Connery to say, “Hey, that sounds a lot like ‘Thunderball,’ doesn’t it?” In discussing any and all clues, mention is made of Captain Wimpy bugging out during the test exercise. Bond puts two and two together and posits that Wimpy may have used a fake Presidential eyeball. M’s response is, “Oh, do come along, Bond! Let’s try to think of a more logical explanation.”
Where has this guy been? In years past, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. has had rocket bases installed in volcanoes and launched laser satellites into orbit. A fake eyeball would be one of their less ambitious schemes!
Well, now we catch up to what Largo is doing. He lands his self-piloted helicopter on his huge yacht. Inside, he has a massive, fully staffed world communications room. He also has a little enclosed, private cubicle which I am going to call The Whacking Room. In here, a push of a button causes a wall panel to open and reveal a one-way mirror which looks into a dance studio (this boat has everything!). I swear that it looks as if Largo is flogging his log as he watches a skinny blonde woman practicing her steps with a male instructor. After his exciting climax, Largo enters the dance studio to say “hello” and offer the blonde, who appears to be his girlfriend, a gift. Even though he assures her that it is very valuable, it looks like nothing so much as a cheap pendant on a chain which Largo might have picked up at Wal-Mart. Their discussion leads to her asking what would happen if she ever dumped him. He mugs for a few seconds and replies, “Then I cut your throat.” He blows her a kiss and leaves her to think about that!
Now it’s time for a little directorial legerdemain as we see a close-up on a pair of hands adjusting a suspiciously large pen decorated with a Union Jack. This unknown person sneaks up behind Bond who is currently engaged in target practice. (Thatta way to get out there and solve that case, 007!) It appears as if this guy is going to plug Bond in the back with this “weapon.” Instead, the man fires past Bond and hits the moving target, causing it to explode! Bond does a dopey double take as he examines his gun. He must have thought that he picked up one of Tiger Tanaka’s rocket guns by mistake, a leftover from his escapade in Japan in “You Only Live Twice.” The man with the pen gun gets Bond’s attention by saying, “Nice to know even old Q can surprise one of you Double-Os occasionally.”
Gee, he doesn’t look like “the same old Q.” Oh, yeah…I keep forgetting. This is a “rival” 007 movie. But even with that taken into consideration, why does Bond address him as Algernon? The only other name ever mentioned for this character has been Major Boothroyd. Whatever…
Off the two go to Q’s workshop, where we again hear about budget cuts. (Perhaps the British Secret Service is the organization which should be holding the world to ransom if they are so cash poor!) Bond is given a watch with a built-in laser and is promised “a motor bike toy” to be sent to him later on. When, for Christmas?
This next dialog exchange left me scratching my head. Q looks Bond squarely in the eyes and says, “Things have been awfully dull around here. Now you’re on this, I hope we’re going to have some gratuitous sex and violence.” Bond replies, “I certainly hope so, too.”
Are the filmmakers suggesting that Bond is a switch hitter who enjoys a little S & M on the side? A new twist such as that would certainly set this flick apart from the “official” series. I have to wonder if somewhere, in Connery’s personal collection, there exists some very controversial footage that he chickened out on leaving in the film! After all, the tag line for the original “Thunderball” was “Look up! Look down! Look out! James Bond does it everywhere!” They could have added for this one, “And with everyone!”
Deleted scene or not, the film cuts to Bond arriving in funky Nassau. His Secret Service liaison is none other than Mr. Bean! The character’s name is actually Nigel Small-Fawcett and he is so superfluous to the proceedings that he only makes a few brief appearances. That’s fine with me as this film has enough goofiness in it already. Having dispensed with that dork for a while, Bond goes on to meet up with Miss Twelve. They, of course, pretend not to know each other. She introduces herself as Fatima Blush and invites him to go fishing. He accepts, because, after all, it’s not like he has to save the world or anything! He’s on a more important mission…Operation Fornication!
By the time they finish humping, they forget all about fishing and go scuba diving instead. Why? Because Fatima has some remote control sharks waiting in the waters below who intend to lunch on Bond. Again, I would like to point out that if S.P.E.C.T.R.E. would put such advanced technology on the open market, in a legal manner, they wouldn’t have to worry about Bond showing up to shoot them!
007 plays Hide and Seek with the sharks in and around the obligatory sunken vessel (Lazy Filmmaker’s Handbook, chapter 7, page 45). Just as he finally figures out that Fatima has planted a homing beacon on his air tank, Sammy the Shark whizzes by and cuts through his air hose. Bond lobs away the homer, chucks his now useless air tank and…get this…hitches a ride on a dangling fishing lure! On the other end of the line he finds the hottie he was trying to hit on when he first arrived in Nassau. As Nigel had interrupted him from scoring at that time, Bond gets her back to his hotel for his second hump of the day! I don’t believe that James has ever been hornier than in this flick! Q must have slipped him an early prototype of Viagra! But…uh,oh…Fatima has spotted him! Surprised to see him alive, she merely thinks to herself, “If at first you don’t succeed…”
Here is where some further directorial legerdemain makes us believe that Bond is about to be blown to bits by yet another bomb planted by Fatima. (She must shop at Bombs-R-Us!) The camera cuts from shots of the bomb hanging from underneath Bond’s bed (near a pair of his shoes) to the man himself going at it with Miss Hottie. The phone rings. Bond answers. It’s Nigel, who passes along the information that Largo will soon be heading for France. There follows more cutting between the bomb and Bond, and then…KABLOOEY!
The next shot is of Bond and Miss Hottie, still entangled comfortably in bed, gazing at the smoke coming out of a room on the other side of the way! Nigel is still on the phone, feverishly asking if Bond is alright.
And now, class, let’s discuss this scene, shall we? If this was Miss Hottie’s room, why did Bond answer the phone? How did Nigel know that Bond would be in this particular room? Did he ask the front desk to randomly call every woman registered at the hotel on a hunch? And isn’t it convenient that she happened to be a tourist who was staying at the same hotel as Bond, in a room directly across the way from his! Whew! I don’t know about you, but I think I’m getting Excedrin Headache Number 007!
Having accomplished nothing in Nassau but getting his rocks off (and nearly blown off!), Bond flies to Nice. He is greeted at the airport by another Service lackey, a chick named Nicole. As they step outside, a black man throws a billiard ball(!) at James, who catches it with ease, after a mild panic. Bond recognizes him as his old C.I.A. buddy, Felix Leiter. What’s amazing about this is the fact that the last time he (or we, the audience) saw this character, he was caucasian! Perhaps Felix was changed by the same thing that happened to Godfrey Cambridge in the film “The Watermelon Man.” Bond might have decided to keep mum on mentioning this, instead of blurting out something stupid like, “Hey, Felix! What happened to you? Been out in the sun too long?”
The three set up a stake-out in a huge, wacky looking villa. I assume this was paid for with British taxpayers’ money. It’s no wonder the Secret Service is broke! They manage their funds worse than a kid with a gumball bank!
Out on the terrace of this villa, they use a huge telescope to spy on Largo’s equally huge yacht, which is called the Flying Saucer. Totally ignoring the presence of Nicole, James and Felix get themselves all worked up watching Largo’s girlfriend cavort on the yacht’s deck. (Hey, guys…ever hear the saying, “Love the one you’re with?”) Instead of pushing the two horny bastards off the terrace, Nicole informs them that the name of the girl is Domino Petachi. Yes, she is Captain Wimpy’s sister! Oh-ho! Something is rotten in Denmark. And something smells in France, too. Of course, we know what Bond smells…Petachi Poontang!
Agent “Oh, Ohh!” Seven decides to pump Domino…for information, that is, hoping the rest will come later. He trails her to another health resort, where all the women get wet between the legs as Bond strolls by. Come to think of it, they were in the pool at the time. It’s more likely they would have been thinking, “What’s that old man doing in here? Is he a pervert? Where’s Security?”
Bond poses as Domino’s masseur. I’d like to know how he got a hold of a health club uniform. Did he clonk some poor guy and swipe it from him? As he works on her, he keeps asking nosy questions about her and Largo. He’s clearly turned on as he glides his hands over her body. Abruptly, he leaves! I couldn’t tell if it was because the real masseuse showed up or if he just splooged in his pants and had to run to the shower. For her part, Domino is at first concerned when she learns she was duped. Then, she smiles about it! Who’s a naughty girl!
She had mentioned that her man Largo was holding a charity ball that night at the local casino. Bond gets dropped off there by Nicole and instructs her to go back to the villa. As Fatima has planted an eavesdropping device in the car (boy, she sure gets around, doesn’t she?), she instructs the driver of her car to follow Nicole while she bird dogs Bond into the casino.
Bond tries to stroll on past the doorman, but is stopped. In retaliation, Bond gut-punches the poor guy and takes the fellow’s gun. After leading the doorman into a closet, Bond chides him for carrying a firearm. Let’s see…it’s a casino…there’s a charity ball going on…a room full of rich people…money changing hands…why would there be any need for armed security, James? You must be getting paranoid in your old age if you think that everyone works for S.P.E.C.T.R.E.! He further intimidates the guy by placing a small metal case in the doorman’s hand, explaining that it is a bomb that will go off with any small movement. Bond then finishes this bit of nonsense by stuffing the doorman’s gun into an ice bucket, right next to a bottle of champagne. Hey, no one will ever notice that!
Bond spots Domino in the crowd and follows her into, I kid you not, a video arcade. Did Largo invite rich teenagers? Bond introduces himself and apologizes for the cheap feel he gave her at the health resort. They go over to the bar for a drink. He starts up with the nosy questions again until they are interrupted by Largo, who has been directed to the couple by the omnipresent Fatima. In “Thunderball,” when Bond and Largo meet face to face, they battle at baccarat, or whichever one of those goofy card games that 007 is always playing. Has he got something against plain old poker?
This being the 1980s, in the current version of this twice told tale, the two go at one another by playing a holographic video game called “Domination.” It involves lasers and bombs and invisible shields in the pursuit of taking over various countries of the world, one at a time. Each player has two hand held controls. Boy, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. sure must have one hell of a staff in their R & D department! Here is another example of a product they could manufacture and place in all of those video arcades that existed in those days and make a mint on. However, in this case, they may have to tone it down a bit for general teenage consumption as the game electrocutes you if you lose! Largo fails to mention that little tidbit to Bond, who gets a shock. In the next round, when Bond gets an even bigger shock, Largo goes on to explain that the “pain level” increases over time. Round three, and this time Bond gets knocked on his ass from enough electricity to light up London Bridge for a week! Apparently he wasn’t paying attention to the cheesy robotic computer voice that was rattling off how high the “pain level” was getting up to.
Masochist that he is, Bond shakes it off and challenges Largo to one more round for the championship. He must have wanted to get his initials on the game’s display for all to see! These two go at it as if the game was actually called “The Biggest Dick Contest.” Largo starts losing, which causes his palms to fry. He continues playing in an attempt to show off to Domino. Finally he has enough and abruptly lets go of the controls.
This is where Bond makes a big mistake. In an attempt to impress Domino, when he wins and is offered a check from Largo for $267,000, he declines it! Instead, he settles for a dance with her. She was more likely thinking, “Is this guy nuts? Hasn’t he figured out that I like guys with money?” On the other hand, perhaps she came to the conclusion that any man who would turn down that type of dough must really be loaded!
Bond and Domino then do a tango, of all things. During their dance, Bond drops this bit of bad news on her: “You’re brother is dead. Keep dancing.” Meanwhile, watching from another part of the ballroom, Largo gives Fatima orders to make another attempt on Bond’s life. She runs off delighted, like a little girl who has just been given a pony for her birthday. Largo then asks Bond to have lunch the next day on his yacht, prefacing the invitation with the words, “If you’re still around tomorrow.” Gee, Largo, nothing like tipping Bond off with sinister sentences!
Domino reminds Largo that her wimpy brother was scheduled to visit her the next day. Her gives her some bull about how Wimpy called to say he would be delayed for a while. She gulps and then Largo drags her off as the other charity ballers begin doing the Charleston!
Before leaving the building, Bond stops off to give the doorman some more grief. Funny how nobody missed the doorman or that there weren’t any other security guards on duty! The poor guy is still standing like a statue. Bond grabs the metal case and the fellow faints. In the next shot, we see Bond opening the case to retrieve a cigarette. That’s all it was, a cigarette case! Yeah, real funny, Bond. You probably just gave some common working man a heart attack!
Back at the fancy villa, it seems as if nobody’s home. But, wait! Something or someone is moving around! Bond calls out to Nicole, but receives no answer. Curiously, he doesn’t even bother to call out for Felix, who I assume was staying there, also. A search leads him to find poor Nicole face down in a burst waterbed. Bond pauses a moment, probably wondering if possibly he plowed into her so hard last night that he burst the bed and absent mindedly left her to drown. But, no, that can’t be, she gave him a lift to the casino. At that moment, he catches a glimpse of that pesky Fatima Blush running out of the villa. (I think I know why Bond doesn’t use his jet pack from “Thunderball” in this picture. She must have stolen it, based on how she seems to show up everywhere on a moment’s notice.)
Didn’t she exceed her orders, by the way? I don’t recall Largo giving her carte blanche to kill everybody she runs into. And what’s more, even though she has the element of surprise, she doesn’t even try to kill Bond. Why? Because somebody must have realized that we are an hour and a half into this picture and there hasn’t been a car chase yet! So, Fatima takes off in her little red car and Bond pursues her in that “motor bike toy” that Q had waiting for him at the airport when he first arrived. She leads him into a tunnel where members of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Henchmen Local 154 are waiting with a trap. Bond is forced into the back of a van, still sitting on his motor bike. Still no attempt is made to kill him. Why? Again, someone noticed that Bond hasn’t used any special gadgets on his motor bike yet. Besides that, no one has flipped and crashed a car since Captain Wimpy did way back when. So, Bond simply rides out of the back of the van, out of the tunnel and hides around a corner. The baddies take off in pursuit. Even though he has successfully evaded them, Bond feels compelled (by the director, no doubt) to begin chasing them!
The next thing you know, he finds himself caught between two cars, playing bumper tag. He presses a button and viola, his motor bike is now a rocket bike! He flies over the car in front of him. This so amazes the drivers of the two cars that they…you guessed it…flip and crash! I’ll bet they were also amazed to see Bond’s bike clearly fall apart (on camera) when it lands, yet see it fully intact in the next shot! All of this is accompanied by more of Michel Le-not-so-grand’s jazz tinged music that sounds like something Doc Severinsen would have rejected using on the “Tonight Show.”
But, wait! Fatima has a back-up plan. Driving like mad in her little car, she now lures Bond into an empty building where boats are made. As he rides around inside the building, searching for her, he finds himself trapped as the gates magically close in front of him. Then, as he races around looking for another exit, KA-WHAM, he gets knocked off his bike by a swinging mast! If she had all of this rigged up, why did she bother with the tunnel? It doesn’t even take any henchmen to trip this trap.
As he lays splayed on the floor, she finally trains a gun on him threatening to shoot him in his favorite gadget, i.e. his penis. Here’s where you can tell that Lorenzo Semple Jr. used to write for Adam West’s Batman. Bond tricks her into letting him write on a piece of scrap paper how that it was she who gave him the best nookie of his lifetime. This allows him to pull out that stupid pen gun and fire at her. At first, it appears as if the projectile is a dud as it merely penetrates her skin. Amused by this, she begins laughing maniacally and prepares to fire her gun at Bond. Suddenly, KABLOOEY! And all that’s left of her is her shoes. Yeah, they wouldn’t be thrown several feet away by the explosion, would they?
At this point, the local police show up. I would like to note that these policemen do come prepared for anything as they instantly start trying to cut through the steel gates with a torch they just happen to have handy. Then, incredibly, Felix Leiter comes strolling into view! HOW IN THE HELL DID HE KNOW ABOUT THIS SET-UP? Did he gain psychic powers when his skin turned black? Bond asks him how long he’s been standing around, doing nothing. He replies that he was there just long enough to see how Bond got out his predicament. Gee, what a pal! Bond should have shot Felix with that pen gun! But first, they have to deal with the police.
Do these two government agents simply show their I.D. cards and explain that they are on a mission of worldwide importance? No, inexplicably they strip down to their skivvies, produce a bicycle out of thin air and, I’m guessing, pretend to be a boxer and his trainer out for exercise. I would think they would arouse more suspicion running around in their Fruit-Of-The-Looms than in their suits.
The next day, Bond and Felix go nosing around Largo’s boat, underwater. Bond must have accidentally rang the doorbell because the basement door opens and he gets sucked inside. Going topside, Bond merely apologizes to Largo for showing up early for lunch. As with all of Bond’s opponents, Largo suddenly becomes the host with the most. Bond is provided with clothes and, as an added bonus, a free trip to Africa. Felix, literally, misses the boat. He shows us his frustration by throwing down a hood that he wasn’t even wearing a minute ago.
Later, Bond meets up with Domino in the dance studio. She asks him what the hell is going on. Assuming the room to be bugged, Bond turns up the volume on Domino’s boom box. He lets her know that Largo is the prime suspect in the Great Nukes Robbery. Hanging out with Felix must have given Bond some psychic powers of his own as he deduces that the mirror on the wall must be a one-way job that is adjacent to Largo’s Whacking Room. He talks Domino into some kissy-face, for two reasons, as he explains. One is to evoke a reaction in Largo. And two is because he hasn’t gotten laid in a couple of days now and, even though he’s suffering from blue balls, he will settle for just a smooch at the moment.
Again, Bond calls on his amazing borrowed psychic powers to deduce the following: 1) that Largo is currently in that room and watching, 2) exactly when Largo leaves the room to head for the dance studio, 3) which route to take to avoid Largo, as otherwise you would think they would run into each other, and 4) that there is a radio in the Whacking Room with which he can contact London. Domino, for her part, pulls the fire alarm in the hall as Largo bursts into the now empty dance studio. He stews for a bit as Bond watches him through the mirror with a smug look on his face.
After all the excitement of this false alarm, in which the communications room was evacuated and all the ship’s personnel were most likely in a state of panic, does Largo tie Bond to an anchor and toss him into the briney deep? No, in typical Bond villain fashion, he waits until the Flying Saucer reaches its destination. Largo owns a castle by the sea in North Africa. As they enter the fabulous house there, finally Largo announces to Bond that “the game is over.” Even then, he doesn’t kill Bond, but rather has him shackled in a room full of vultures. Is this the end of James Bond? Will he be pecked to death and eaten by hungry vultures? Tune in next week. Same Bond-time, same Bond-channel!
Proving further what a nutaroo he is, Largo then offers Domino another “priceless” gift, which he claims was originally owned by Napoleon’s empress. It was to be Domino’s wedding present. She can tell immediately that the damn thing was run off in an injection molding machine and allows it to drop to the floor and break. When asked about Wimpy’s death, Largo mugs some more. She tells Largo that she hates him. He gives her a big wet smack on the lips and then starts to whistle! You know, I think the pressure of being Number One is getting to this guy. Perhaps he should have settled for a lesser position, say Number Forty-Two.
Having decided that marriage is now out of the question, Largo sells Domino to a slave trader. Yes, you read that right…a slave trader! That Lorenzo Semple Jr. must have a whole trunk of old “Batman” scripts left over from when the series got cancelled.
Before he sets out to plant the second nuke, Largo stops off to visit Bond at the Vulture Room to gloat. Not to kill, mind you, just to gloat. He even reveals to Bond the location of the first nuke: Washington, D.C. Then, Largo goes to bid farewell to Domino who has been dressed up like an Arab woman and tied to a post, with Mr. Slave Trader waiting for his customers to arrive. Just to be a prick, Largo sets up Domino’s boom box and plays the tango music which she and Bond had danced to back in France.
In the meantime, Bond has been taking it easy because he still has his handy dandy laser watch on his wrist. With a suspect amount of pinpoint accuracy, he lasers through his shackles without burning any body parts. He then peeks out a small window to see Largo heading out the front gate. At this point, I would have expected Bond to simply laser through the lock on the door. Instead, he decides to play “Trick the Guard.” He goes over to a window, lasers the bars and then dangles outside! When the idiot guard enters and leans completely out the window to try to figure out how his prisoner escaped, Bond grabs the boob and throws him to the ground far below.
After punching out another guard with his ever dependable Bond Knockout Punch, he strolls into the courtyard in the midst of the horny auctioneers, disguising himself with a towel on his head. He trips one guy’s horse, causing the rider to fall off. He bounds into the saddle and rides over to rescue Domino, who has since been untied and stripped down to her underwear. They ride toward the front gate which magically closes before they can get through it. So, what does genius Bond do? He rides up to the top of the castle with the horny auctioneers in pursuit, rifles firing away.
Ever notice how in motion pictures people are always going up to escape? Where is there to go when you get there? This technique always leads to one of two events: either the good guy jumps (and survives) or the bad guy falls (and croaks). In this instance, it’s the former. Regardless of whether Domino or the horse can swim, off they jump from the battlement a million feet into the water below. I have to ask: does Bond’s license to kill allow him to drown animals?
The horny auctioneers now begin to fire their rifles down toward the swimming escapees out of frustration. I’ll bet that poor horse was thinking, “Goddammit, they’re still shooting at me! That does it! The next time some son of a bitchin’ human tries to get me to jump off a castle, I’m going to skid to a halt and let the bastard go flying!” I’m going to assume that the horse was so miffed at Bond that he tore off the man’s jacket, shirt and shoes because these items are suddenly missing. Hey, horse, next time…go for the girl’s clothes!
Just then, TA-DA! A submarine appears and fires missiles at the horny auctioneers, blasting them to kingdom come. I must say, the commander of that sub sure assessed that situation in a hurry, didn’t he? But, hang on. Good old Felix the CIA Psychic is on board. No doubt, he was the one who filled in the commander on what was happening and recommended action. (Yeah, right.)
Once Bond and Domino (screw the poor horse!) are safely on board the sub, where do they head but right for the shower. Didn’t they just get out of the water? Again, I say, it’s not like he has to save the world or anything! Once all the coming and cleaning are done, Bond receives a message from M advising him that the first nuke has been located and neutralized. Also, he passes on the code to disarm the second nuke, should Bond ever decide to stop (literally) screwing around and find the damn thing! Otherwise, there are only five hours left before those oil fields get blown to hell and gas prices really get high!
As Bond, Felix and the commander scan some maps to try to figure out where Largo may be heading, a light bulb goes on over Bond’s head and he asks Domino to show him her pendant. Yes, Looney Largo was stupid enough not to have taken the damn thing back from Domino when he left her. What’s the big deal? Oh, only that it pictures a map of where Largo was going to hide the second nuke!
The sub has been shadowing the Flying Saucer during all of this. Largo sneaks the bomb out through the basement door that Bond blundered into earlier. I think the set designer got a little overzealous here. The hull of the ship looks like it’s the size of a supertanker.
The Great Bondini suggests that the sonar operator search for an underwater river, which is where Largo is currently heading into. Bond then asks the sub’s commander if he has some XT-7Bs on board. The next thing you see are two missiles being fired from the sub. As they break the water’s surface, the missiles break apart to reveal Bond and Felix piloting some inconceivably goofy flying contraptions. These things are basically just metal frames with jets situated here and there. How Bond and Felix didn’t end up as Spam in a can before those missiles opened is beyond me. I also see no need for these contraptions, unless there was a line of “Never Say Never Again – 007” action figures and toy accessories for sale when the film was originally released. They could have more easily, and less expensively, used a raft to get to shore.
Bond and Felix find the entrance to the underwater tunnel and swim on through to an archeological dig. Here they find Largo, Mr. Herb Edelman Look-A-Like and some motley henchmen setting up the S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Special. Felix radios for back-up while Bond tiptoes in to attempt some sabotage. He finds a statue with some ropes tied around it. Noticing a crack in the statue’s neck, Bond decides to totally disregard the value of the piece and pushes against it with all his might. The statue’s head comes off, but this really doesn’t accomplish anything more than to rile up the henchmen (and most likely some archeologists later on).
A gunfight ensues wherein we finally get to one of the staples of action movies known as the O.M.O.F., an acronym for Obligatory Man On Fire. Eventually, Bond loses his gun and Felix runs out of bullets. At this point, another action staple occurs: more men from the sub show up to save the day at that exact moment.
Despite all of this going on, Largo manages to escape with the nuke via another underwater tunnel, the entrance to which he seals with explosives. Bond, just missing catching the guy, runs back out the way he came in, leaving Felix and the sub’s crew to demolish what’s left of the artifacts as they lob grenades at the surviving henchmen.
The next thing you know, Bond is dangling from a Navy helicopter! Where in the hell did they store that big thing on a submarine? Here is where Bond could have used the magnificent flying machine since he was heading inland. What did he do with that thing, anyway? Did he chuck it like he does to the equipment he gets from “Q” Branch?
Anyway, Bond dives into a well, the much spoken of “Tears of Allah,” I presume. Either Largo must have been in no rush or stopped to take a crap or something because, even with his head start, he suddenly finds Bond in front of him! In “Thunderball,” this is where there occurred an epic underwater battle between Bond and a number of U.S. Aquaparatroops and Largo and a number of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. henchmen. I reckon that lame gun battle a few minutes ago was all they could afford after paying Connery a fortune, so all we get now is an equally lame mano a mano between Bond and Largo.
As they wrestle, the unattended skid carrying the bomb is going off on its own until it conveniently comes back around and pins Largo up against a rock wall. Bond fiddles with the arming mechanism, not noticing that Largo is dislodging a spear gun from the side of the skid. Before Largo can finally kill the pesky secret agent, Largo himself is speared…by Domino! Yes, once again it’s the last minute rescue, as she is accompanied by two of the sub’s crew. Did these guys give her a crash course in scuba diving and handling a spear gun?
In another bit of “clever” editing, we segue to Domino, now in a bathing suit, in a swimming pool. She hops out to go over and visit Bond, who is relaxing in a huge hot tub. She must have one of those devices like Jean-Luc Picard had on the Enterprise which makes drinks appear out of nowhere because she produces two fancy alcoholic beverages out of that same nowhere. Regardless, they ignore the drinks and begin making out. Suddenly, they are disturbed by the sound of someone opening the gate (to wherever it is they are right now).
Bond gets out of the hot tub to investigate. Here is where yet more “clever” editing makes it appear as if the intruder has evil intentions as he/she/it tramps through the foliage surrounding the pool area. Either that, or the person is too stupid to use the walkway. Bond gets the upper hand on the intruder by flipping he/she/it into the pool. Surfacing out of the water comes none other than Nigel Small-Fawcett. He was sent by M to beg Bond to come back to the Service. When did Bond quit? Did they cut that scene? Maybe Bond finally realized he had reached retirement age. Or, the scoundrel discovered that Domino was bequeathed all of Largo’s wealth and he has decided to become a gigolo.
Nigel goes on to explain that M “fears for the security of the civilized world” without 007 on the job. Gee, I wonder how the other Double-O agents feel about that? I can just hear them grumbling in the locker room: “Oh, that Bond thinks he’s so great.” “He’s just a teacher’s pet.” “Yeah, I could outsave the world better than him any day!”
Bond tells Nigel to piss off, promising to Domino that he will “never again” go on any missions. “Never?” she asks. As that godawful theme song starts up again, Connery then winks at the camera as if to say, “Yeah, I know it sucked. But, if they offered you five million dollars to star in this film, would you turn it down?”
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 11:35:11 AM
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Just to make things even more rediculous, in the NOVEL, the leader was called "Number THREE". Fleming said that this was because they rotated the numbers every week to keep the good guys from guessing who was in charge. The makers of the origonal Thunderball thought it was silly/confusing and corrected it.
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 06/11/2006 : 4:33:30 PM
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As much as I like Sean Connery, he should NEVER (Never? Never!) have too much creative control on a movie. Here's evidence:
I read in the IMDb that the producer recommended James Horner as composer (this was right after Star Trek II and III and right before Aliens, and don't make cracks about him ripping himself off; at least the music still sounds pretty damn good!) but Connery nixed the idea. They brought in Michel Legrand, and the result was one of the worst scores in the whole series. |
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Culfy
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
United Kingdom
113 Posts |
Posted - 06/16/2006 : 11:57:14 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by BradH812
As much as I like Sean Connery, he should NEVER (Never? Never!) have too much creative control on a movie. Here's evidence:
I read in the IMDb that the producer recommended James Horner as composer (this was right after Star Trek II and III and right before Aliens, and don't make cracks about him ripping himself off; at least the music still sounds pretty damn good!) but Connery nixed the idea. They brought in Michel Legrand, and the result was one of the worst scores in the whole series.
Sean Connery is also responsible for bringing in comedy writers Ian Le Frenais and Dick Clement to joke up the script; their contribution being the aforementioned "From here?" joke (itself recycled from a script from Porridge).
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Notes from a small cavy
www.culfy.blogspot.com |
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Kooshmeister
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
104 Posts |
Posted - 06/21/2006 : 10:55:40 PM
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| Incidentally, the big guy who attempts to kill Bond at the health clinic is this film's version of Count Lippe from the original, played by the great Pat Roach. |
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"Never Say Never Again" a.k.a. "Blunderball"
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