|
hk6909
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
651 Posts |
 Posted - 10/23/2007 : 6:53:09 PM
|
In celebration of the occasion, and to let my fans (all half a person of them) know that I'm getting back to my roots, I offer my dissection of the horror movie episode of Movie Task Force Scanranger.
In case you never read my first reviews, this is a pompous fanfiction by Vince Jones based on the Japanese shows that provide the costumes and action scenes used in the Power Rangers series, and trying to show why the former rules and the latter drools while doing more harm than good. The plot involves five college movie nerds who are selected to gain special powers that let them imitate movie scenes to fight a group of alien terrorists who want to take over New Jersey. I'm not kidding, and I don't think the writer is either.
There's all the hallmarks of those campy action shows, karate, lasers, robots and a different monster in each story, but hampering Scanranger's ability to show why Japanese TV rocks is its loads of incomprehensible dialogue, shoddy continuity, indistinguishable characters and entirely too many cues taken from Western media of this sort rather than the darker Eastern shows Scanranger reveres. Which is to say, it has villains like you'd see in Super Friends rather than Justice League.
A quick rundown for any new folks who might still be reading of the characters relevant to this particular article.
The Scanrangers-
-RedScanner: Vin Harlock is the leader and in my estimation a very thinly-veiled ideal analogue of the author. Gets his movie powers from action films and is from New Brunswick, NJ.
-GreenScanner: Nick Simonds is the resident super genius. Gets his movie powers from special effects and hails from Hartford, CN.
-BlueScanner: Ben "B.C." Shimamura is the comic relief and his hobbies include nearly getting his friends killed and almost ending all of creation. Gets his movie powers from clean comedy and came all the way from Tokyo to drag the team down. No I don't like this guy, why do you ask?
-YellowScanner: Kunio "Mikey" Mikimoto has nothing interesting to talk about. Gets his movie powers from anime and comes from LA.
-PinkScanner: Toni Montanez is...the girl. Gets her movie powers from musicals and hails from Manila, the Philipines.
Their dreaded enemies are MAYHEM, the Mechanical Androids Yolked Hither to Eliminate Mankind, but the only one who matters for the purposes of this review is Anark Key, a British psychological warfare expert. Gets his movie powers from "controversial" films.
The Scanrangers are equipped with a number of swords, laser guns and giant robots, the latter including Thunder Dolby THX and Blockbuster.
Anyone looking for more detailed information (and why would you?) can find it here on the story's homepage:
[url]http://www.geocities.com/tetsuokurata/scanranger.html[/url]
While the object of my dissection can be perused here:
[url]http://www.geocities.com/tetsuokurata/epi26.html[/url]
Now without further ado, I present...
Scream If You Know What Urban Nightmarish Legend I Did Last Summer on Friday the 13th Street!
-Anark Key introduces his five monsters, parodies of the villains of Scream, Friday the 13th, Candyman, Nightmare on Elm Street and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, to his boss and an entire paragraph is spent describing them. I just want you to remember that for later.
-Anark Key: “With Team Nightmare invading the dreams of the Scanrangers, it will be child's play to trap them all into another dimension! Of course, they are at full strength during the day..Thus, attack them at night, which will make them most vulnerable!”
At least we’re not off to a bad start, since we’re a couple paragraphs in before I find something solid to rant about. Team Nightmare doesn’t invade the Scanrangers’ dreams, and it’s never been even slightly implied that the Scanrangers’ powers decrease at night. Key’s plan outlined here has nothing to do with what actually happens in this episode.
-Narration: A month later after finals, the Scanranger crew stayed in an off- campus condo owned by Rosewood, while he still kept to his police duties at CJU.
So after getting approval to sic his team of slasher knockoffs on the Scanrangers, Key waits a month to launch his attack? Why?!
-The scene of the Scanrangers messing around in their shared apartment and sampling Toni’s awful cooking has to be seen to be disbelieved. With interplay that awkward and confusing, it’s a wonder these people are not only friends but an effective superhero team.
-Nick: “Be a little sensitive to the lady, Vin! After all, with her being in the states for a couple of years and not going home, she needs some type of encouragement..”
Yes, be sensitive to the lady, Vin. It’s not like you’re her leader in addition to being her friend. The thing about Toni being far from home could be fleshed out a lot better, especially what with the front page saying she left the Philippines over the objections of her family.
-Nick: “Let’s save this dish for Mikey..”
Vin and narration: “Yeah..” He won’t eat it..He hates everything..” Vin fakes a rim shot.
In case you’re wondering, no, comedy is not Scanranger’s strong suit.
-Guy calling Toni about a prize giveaway: “You’re absolutely correct! You’ll pick up your prize, but first, prepare yourselves for the shock of your life!”
Prepare all one of you for the shock of your life! That is to say, yourselves!
-Narration: Suddenly, a current of flowing electricity bathed Toni. She screamed, rendering her unconscious!
As usual for this story, what happens doesn’t sound like what the story says. I’m sure you can tell that means Toni was knocked out by the electricity, but doesn’t it sound like her scream was what did it?
-Vin: “Good Lord! TONI! TONI!”
Narration: He tried to revive her, but to no avail. He angrily picked up the phone.
Vin: “WHO THE BLAZES ARE YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER? ANSWER ME!”
The phone just zapped his friend unconscious, and he thinks he should pick it up and demand to know who’s calling. And he’s the leader of the elite task force assembled to prevent Earth from being destroyed by aliens. We’re doomed.
-Nick: “VIN! LET GO OF THE PHONE!”
Hmmm, maybe Nick should be the leader, as he seems to be gifted with at least average intelligence on a more regular basis than his friends.
-Anark Key: “If you want your pretty partner to stay alive, you will do exactly as you’re told!!”
Except he doesn’t tell them to do anything.
-Nick: “If you harm a hair on her head…”
Anark Key: “You mean, like this?”
Narration: He literally plucked a single strand of her hair and snaps it.
Apparently Vince Jones was one of the few people who thought Last Action Hero was a good movie.
-Narration: At that point, B.C. and Mikey ran into the apartment.
B.C.: “We heard the distress signal! Is Toni okay?”
What distress signal? Toni screaming? The others seemed a little too busy to call their friends and say something happened to Toni.
-Vin: “No..We’ve got to save her..The only thing is, I know for certain that Key is goading us into a trap!”
Narration: Suddenly, the door slammed, and the windows locked. Then, the entire dorm room was taken into another dimension, and it spun like it was in a tornado, a la the Wizard of Oz. The velocity of the wind knocks the four men out, then scattered them in different areas of the new dimension.
So that’s a pointless observation on Fearless Leader’s part since they were basically trapped already, and what’s that about a dorm room? It specifically said they were staying “in an off- campus condo owned by Rosewood” with school being out.
-Narration and Toni’s dialogue: Meanwhile, Toni finally wakes up, and finds herself in a suburb. “This looks creepy..” she thought. “I’m in someone’s kitchen..” She answers the phone. “Who is it?” Crashing through the window came ‘Shriek the Slasher’!
What was the point of Toni answering the phone? Perhaps more pertinently, is it dark and spooky and stuff where she is? Vince could’ve said so to do something for the atmosphere. For all that tells me Toni could be attacked by a monster during the brightest part of the day and yet it’s supposed to be scary.
-Narration: Shriek zaps with a electricity bolt from his hands! Toni was shivering, feeling very frightened!
Toni: “What have done to me? G-Get away from m-me!”
If somebody actually in the story can’t tell, I don’t see why someone on the outside should be able to.
-Narration: Suddenly, out of nowhere, Nick jumps on top of Shriek, twists his arm, disarmed the monster, and body slammed him on the floor.
Does that mean he literally disarmed Shriek? I assume Shriek had a weapon because he tried to “cut” Toni, but it never says what it is. And the Scanrangers rip their (robotic) enemies’ arms off or break them in half a lot.
-Narration: He punches Shriek out with his bare palms, and clotheslines him.
A bit unnecessary after already taking the bad guy out, don’t you think? And why does palming Shriek knock him out when Toni’s kick to the face earlier did nothing?
-Nick: “This is why I despise teen slasher movies!”
And why is that, Scanranger I was praising not that long ago?
-Kunio on the phone with Vin: “I’m not far from Livingston Ave! There’s this..thing that’s shooting everyone in sight! I couldn’t use my powers, and HURRY-”
This is the third time a Scanranger’s answered a phone in this episode. Was Vince going for a motif? Besides, they’re in a recreation of Vin’s hometown, but is Kunio able to recognize it as such? It could be the desperation but he seems pretty sure Vin will know where to find him by naming the street. How long is Livingston Avenue, anyway? And if I may gripe about one last thing, the guy attacking Kunio is armed with a hockey stick. How is he “shooting everything in sight”?
-Narration: The villain blasted off towards Vin, swinging his hockey blade to behead him. Vin falls down before he could strike, and kicks him in the gut. Jetzun cringed in a fetal position.
Vin: “Come on, Mikey! Our communicator has picked up Toni and Nick..They shouldn’t be far from here!”
Again I wonder how the heck Vin got picked to lead a superhero team when he decides to leave the bad guy able to come after them and go looking for their friends. At least establish that they need to hurry.
-Narration: They run around the corner and see Jetzun again.
Vin: “What?”
So they run around the corner and are attacked by the monster again. It’s because they’re trapped in a time loop, but at I first thought it was because Vin was dumb enough to leave him where he landed without finishing the job. At least take his weapon away, stupid.
-Sign: “TO SAFETY-RIGHT WAY
TO BE CUT UP INTO ITTY-BITTY PIECES-WRONG WAY(I’d turn back if I were you!!)”
By appearances Scanranger is now trying to be equal measures funny and frightening. Some people might say there’s no such thing, but even if there is, it certainly takes a guiding hand steadier than the writer of this tripe to make it work.
-Narration: Out of nowhere, a masked chainsaw wielding maniac named LaceFace attacked B.C. He dodged the saw before he himself was sliced in two.
B.C.: “No Film Energy?! I can’t even transform! Not a good idea to fight a guy who’s supposed to be dead.. Execute the better part of valor..RUN!”
And the worse part of intelligence by standing there talking while a maniac’s trying to kill you with a chainsaw. What’s worse, B.C. is like this all the time and hasn’t been killed thirty times over. I’m even more amazed he’s on a superhero team than Vin.
-Narration: B.C. dashed to a shack in order to hide. He finds a pretty Midwestern woman sitting near a mirror and brushing her hair.
Midwestern? He can tell just like that?
-B.C.: “Hey, lady! Listen to me! You’ve gotta get out of here! There’s a killer on the loose!”
Narration: The woman ignored B.C. She sings, “Oh, Sugar Guy..Oh, Sugar Guy!”
B.C.: “Hey! Didn’t you hear me? You’re gonna be killed if you don’t get out right now! Come on!”
Each of the Scanrangers was chosen to join the team because they know lots about movies, but B.C. doesn’t know anyone who doesn’t guard themselves in a slasher movie is dead meat already.
-Narration: As B.C. was about to leave to save himself, a creature called Sugar Guy leaped out of the mirror, pulling in the helpless lady. In shock, the woman screamed as Sugar Guy had slain her.
Remember how I asked you to keep in mind a whole paragraph went into introducing the monsters at the beginning? Why, then, has each one been re-introduced after showing up? Plus, the woman screamed after Sugar Guy killed her?
-B.C.: “NOO! YOU ANIMAL!”
He’s this upset after being about to leave to save his own neck? And about the murder of somebody Key made up?
-B.C.: “Can’t concentrate on anything to attack them with..”
Since he doesn’t have his powers anyway, what would the point be even if he could?
-Narration: The stranger then threw his staff , which turned into a snake, and bit LaceFace! The chainsaw slashing fiend made a hasty retreat!
I don’t mean to belittle the power of God, since an observant reader will notice “the stranger” deriving his attacks from the Ten Commandments, but it would take more than a snake bite to get rid of the Leatherface from the movie. Surely it would take more than that to get rid of a souped-up cyborg version of Leatherface.
-The stranger: “Come with me if you want to live…” quoting a line from Terminator 2.
See what I did there?! (that’s my alarm of a hack writer being none too subtle as to how “clever” they are)
-Vin: “Come on, Mikey! Our communicator has picked up Toni and Nick..They shouldn’t be far from here!”
What did Key leave them with? When Toni came to she noticed her changer bracelet was gone, yet according to this the Scanrangers were left with their communicators. Soon it says they had their changer bracelets all along, they just didn’t work.
-Kunio: “Wait a minute! Vin! I don't know how to explain this, but do you realize we've been going around the same corner for the past half hour, in the same routine? You beat up that cybercreature, and then you said, 'Come on, Mikey!' and I said, 'Right! Let's go!'“
Vin: “Good grief, you're right! At the same time we don't know what happened to the others!”
Oh wow. Remember how I pointed out Vin saying “What?” the first time he saw the monster again? Thought it was a bit strange, didn’t you? Well, now you know why. Despite noticing something was wrong half an hour ago, they’ve been running around the corner beating up Jetzun non-stop all that time. To think this idiot was not only chosen to lead the team, but the author had the gall to think Vin had something to teach the leader of Choujin Sentai Jetman, one of the greatest of all super sentai shows, about what it means to be a hero.
-Kunio: “You don't think they're..”
Vin: “No! Don't even think that! They've got to be alive! With these creatures of the night on the prowl, we're tougher than that, even with our FilmBraces on the blink! Let's find them..but first..”
Uh…what???
-The stranger: “Come with me if you want to live..”
That was only slightly cool the first time, Vince. Trotting it out more than once isn’t doing you any favors.
-Vin: “How do I know you're not in cahoots with MAYHEM?”
Narration: The mystery man answers by reactivating the two men's FilmBraces
Because it said he’s with your friend BlueScanner? (“Vin and Mikey looked up, and saw B.C.in his BlueScanner guise and the cloaked stranger as Jetzun retreated.”) Nobody else doubted the reality of someone who appeared to be a friend, including Vin when Kunio called him on the phone. Although I suppose restoring their powers is a good way to gain their confidence too.
-Narration: Vin and Mikey transform into Red and YellowScanner respectively.
What a gyp. I was hoping Vin would get to be YellowScanner this time. Unless you’re making your story stupid on purpose, don’t waste your energy on the obvious, Mr. Jones.
-Narration: As the three dash to find the other two Scanrangers, they find themselves in a very high and dry situation.
What?
-Anark Key: “This is so coolness..”
Uh, what he said.
-Anark Key: “Since you lovebirds intervened.. ..I must eliminate the competition in order to take my share of conquering the world!”
Wow, an incoherence hat trick.
-Narration: Friedrick Krieger then uses his Freddy Krueger type claws and cuts the rope, sending them to impending doom!
Thanks for clearing that up. Til just now I thought Friedrick Krieger was a parody of some other infamous horror movie villain.
-Narration: But, YellowScanner warps in the scene in his super mecha suit and catches Toni and Nick before the piranhas were able to get a taste!
His super mecha suit? It probably means Yellow is using his Warp Speed Smash power where he whips up a robot suit and crashes into something, but could the story be bothered to say so? “Super mecha suit” could kind of be taken as his regular Scanranger suit.
-Narration: Red and Blue joined Yellow getting the others out of harms way
How did they do that?
-Vin: “You thought you could beat us at our own game, Anark Key?”
He would’ve if the cloaked guy hadn’t saved them.
-Narration: The stranger then tended to Nick and Toni, reenergized their FilmBraces, and were also transformed to Green and Pink.
He did it again!
-B.C.: “I guess you got tired of saying, 'Destroy them!', eh?”
Weird how the characters who are supposed to be the funniest are usually the ones we want gutted like a salmon the most, huh?
-Narration: The imitation 'Scream' slasher took off his cloak like a cape, covering Toni and the creature.
Yeah, thanks for explaining again who Shriek is a spoof of. And “cloak like a cape”? Oy vey.
-Toni and narration: “On the contrary, here comes your final cut!” Pink replied as she disappears. She used a hologaphic illusion and in no time flat, shouted, “CHARISSE KICK!” Shriek was out cold once again.
It’s the Super Scan Friend Rangers! Holograms are not Pink’s power, they’re Green’s. Jeez.
-Narration: B.C. then saw Sugar Guy lunge at him. He jumps out of the way, only to see Sugar Guy run into LaceFace.
Two guys are ganging up on B.C., yet when the battle started, according to the narration “The Scanrangers picked a partner, and the battle was on!” Most galling of all about the bad guys ganging up on BlueScanner is the seeming implication that he, a superhero worse than Bibleman and Aquaman put together, is such a bad mother even two monsters at once can’t beat him.
-B.C. and narration: “Speed-Bo Staff!" He pulls it out, and using his 'Pause' button underneath his FilmBrace, he summons his Comedy Film Energy.
The Scanrangers have used the power to pause monsters before, but it never ceases to amaze me how they could have such a handy power and use it so rarely, not to mention how lame it is to give them such a power in the first place.
-Narration and B.C.’s dialogue: Out of one end of his Speed-Bo Staff, was a giant mallet (similar to one of Goggle Yellow's weapons)STOP!" shouted B.C. as he froze LaceFace and Sugar Guy. "HAMMER TIME!" Like the cartoons, BlueScanner pounded the two Team Nightmare villains on the noggin, and out for the count!
Because to be a good writer, you need to provide an example of what a mallet looks like. Not only is that stupid, presupposing that much familiarity with Goggle V strikes me as an odd tact, being as it’s one of the older (and IMO less interesting) super sentai. Despite the scorn I heap upon this bit, I’m not a complete bastard. If some poor soul really needs to see Goggle Yellow's hammer to know what one looks like, here ya go: [url]http://www.supersentai.com/database/1982_goggle_five/arsenal.html[/url]
-Krieger: “My master has given me powers beyond what Mr. Krueger couldn't imagine!”
What?
-Narration: His answer was a bullet that barely grazed Vin past his face. The impact pushed Vin to the wall, knocking him semiconscious. Moments later, he saw his girl also unconscious. He crawled to May, but it was too late. She was already dead!
Krieger makes Vin relive the most traumatic moment of his life, the time he failed to save a girlfriend from being killed. You’ve got to give him credit for being so adept with sinister imagery, making the girl unconscious and then immediately dead.
-Vin: “It's too late..AND TOO SLOW, KRIEGER!“
Narration: He grabbed Krieger's hand and in Steven Seagal fashion, and snaps his arm in half.
Too slow? That line was probably lifted from some real movie, but like nearly all such transplants in Scanranger (and there are a lot), makes no sense in this new time and place.
-Vin: “Bringing back my past where my sweetheart was killed was a mistake! That event made me stronger and able to finally fight back! Nobody messes with my mind and gets away with it!”
Vin is able to not only able to easily throw off Krieger’s attempt to demoralize him, he uses his rage to fuel his strength and easily demolishes the monster. Why yes, that is pretty lame now that you bring it up, and suggestive that Vince Jones might want to take one of those Mary Sue tests for his characters.
-Jetzun: “And now, it's time for the Power Play! Mario has nothing on what I'm about to do next!”
Uh, okay then!
-Kunio: “When I give the signal and say 'Go!', run to your left! I'll go to the right!”
Wouldn’t one or the other be better than both when you’re fighting a crazed cyborg?
-YellowScanner and GreenScanner’s battle with Jetzun is indeed something to behold, and probably the stupidest thing in the episode. Jetzun shoots his boomerang weapon at them and they run out of the way, but use Green’s illusion powers to make it look like they didn’t so it comes back and slices up the guy who threw it. The only problem is Yellow didn’t tell Green the plan, Green just knew it despite only being told “Trust me!” It would’ve been nice if Vince had bothered to tell us the Scanrangers had telepathy with each other.
-Vin: “Rule number three in the good guys handbook.. Good triumphs over evil! Give it up, Key!”
How about you give it up? Attempting comedy, that is.
-Narration and combination dialogue: In Japanese, they shout as one form, “NIGHTMARE GATTAI!(Combine) KUROSLASHER!”
Having been defeated at normal size, Team Nightmare combines into its ultimate form, the giant KuroSlasher. I know this story is based on Japanese TV, but it’s set in New Jersey, the villain who created them isn’t Japanese, and has shown no interest whatever in Japan. Why is their yell to combine in Japanese?
-Though they’re in another dimension, the Scanrangers are able to call their big robots to fight the monster. In fact they’re able to call their second one when they have trouble beating the monster with just one robot. This implies the robots can leave as easily as they came, and made me at least wonder why they stuck around to save Key’s made-up world from Team Nightmare.
-Narration: KuroSlasher pulls out a double-bladed sickle-one side had a sickle, the other a chainsaw. With the sickle side, KuroSlasher blasted an energy beam at the center of BlockBuster's chest, causing serious damage.
Vin: “This guys too quick for us! THUNDER DOLBY!”
This is why the Scanrangers call their other robot, because somehow being shot with an energy beam means its too fast for the one they’re using. And Thunder Dolby was never established as being fast for a giant robot. Vince could’ve made this a lot clearer.
-Narration: The punch also snaps KuroSlasher's staff in half. The lead robot then throws KuroSlasher over and smashes him to the ground!
Scanranger sure doesn’t like its villains to stay threatening for long. Which one is the “lead” robot, anyhow?
-The stranger: “Well done, good and faithful servants of Hollywood..Until the next time..”
This is a somewhat unsettling line in light of future revelations. Namely, the stranger is a seminary student with film powers whose faith gives him the power to call up movies with Judeo-Christian religious elements, as earlier when he used locusts and frogs to fend off Team Nightmare. Doesn’t his line make it sound like Hollywood is some kind of godhead? What kind of theology does he study?
-Narration: Back in Nebultopia, Anark Key, obviously ticked off, turns and sees one of the Team Nightmare members. The others follow after Krieger.
So why only mention the one?
-Nick: “Are you all right, Vin Man?”
Vin: “I'm not certain, after that battle..Key's powers must be more powerful than we ever imagined..since we fought them the past few times with their own version of our Film Energy..I thought that the professor had mentioned that there were only three or four other people spread over the world possessing the power of Film Energy..It can't be MAYHEM..because his henchmen, Key, Vixen, and Ug have something that's similar skills..”
As they unwind, the Scanrangers wonder about their savior. It is true a long time ago they said there were probably a couple other people with film energy, but didn’t say how they knew that or who might have the energy, and I for one am not sure how you’d have an idea of the first without an idea of the second. And whoever those people are they’re not MAYHEM, whose film energy was stolen from the rangers, but the Scanrangers don’t (or shouldn’t be able to) know that.
-B.C.: “Unless, that stranger who assisted us in that other dimension is one of the genuine recipients of Project:Paramount Film Energy..”
Can they somehow tell that was where the stranger got his powers? I mean I know I just said he did, and he does, but this is after the story established the Scanrangers and MAYHEM aren’t the only ones around who have superhuman powers. Did they automatically connect his powers to the ten plagues of Egypt and the plagues to the Ten Commandments or something? Depending on how you look at it that’s either some amazing deductive reasoning or frightening narrow mindedness, although it’s probably just an IITS instance.
-Closing narration: The battle with MAYHEM had almost drained our heroes. However, with some outside help from an inspirational source, they were able to win. What was the stranger's agenda? How did he know about the Scanranger's identities? More questions, but to be answered for another time...
Where did “inspirational” come from? How do they figure he knew their identities? More questions, but to be answered for a never time…
-Next episode teaser: “In our next Scanranger adventure, just when you thought our heroes had proved that they can just act, just wait till you see them sing and dance! To replace five teenage heartthrobs, the rangers and a very popular boy band switch places for a week! Watch out, 98 Degrees! N*Sync, Eat your heart out! Back off, Backstreet Boys! You too, "Three Lights"!(for all you Sailor Star fans out there) Here come the newest singing sensations of all time!”
It might not have been that clear from this installment, but sadly yes Scanranger is one of those childishly self-aggrandizing stories. I know you just found a new favorite, but I have to shatter your illusions. At least there’s more dumb dialogue to take some of the pain away. The newest singing sensations of all time. That’s almost my new favorite moronic quote. |
|
Scanranger Halloween Special...sort of
Forum Locked
