Names: Director Ivan Nagy, star Bruce Greenwood

Set up: We open on a guy water-skiing. Soon he is done and walking along a pier. He stows his gear and climbs into an old fashioned roadster that is presumably meant to indicate his wealth. Since wealthy people are almost always complete dicks on this show, he’s undoubtedly the fellow who will be reaping a fatal lesson at the climax of the show.

Soon he’s racing his car along a mountain road, and turning a curve, speeds past…The Hitchhiker!*

Hitchhiker Intro: "Jeff Boder’s not a bad guy. But ambition can take people places they usually wouldn’t go. And no matter how good a skier he is, this time, he’s in water way over his head." (Wow!) [By the way, Jeff’s status as a ‘skier’ is otherwise never referred to again, so apparently they filmed him water-skiing just to set up this intro.]

[*The initial three episodes of The Hitchhiker, which acted as a sort of extended pilot, were directed by Ivan "Pimp for Heidi Fleiss" Nagy and featured a different actor as our titular, thumb-bustin’ host. As correspondent Frank T. Miller reported—his complete comments can be found here—the actor who assumed the role for the bulk of the series, Page Fletcher, was later inserted into two of these three shows in place of this original actor. (Although, mysteriously, the last of the three still features that other guy in the part, at least on the Canadian ‘first season’ DVD set.)]

Cut to a ramshackle house. Jeff is inside, eating a bowl of soup opposite his grandmother, an old woman in peasant garb. Mournful violin music plays, lending a touch of, well, something, to the proceedings. In broken English, she presents him with a ceramic figurine of a joined man and a woman, which apparently has some familial significance. I really couldn’t figure out what she was going on about, but here is what she says (I think; sadly, these DVDs don’t have subtitles):

"This figurine was made in [apparently some home European village] for grandmother, Tisha’s mother. On their wedding, sometime, bad luck. If you really believe, then good luck, now, it’s your turn, angleweitz [or something]."

Well, now that I transcribe it, it makes total sense.

Jeff thanks her, but is obviously just humoring the old woman. He picks up the figurine and sneers, "Isn’t it a little old fashioned?" Dude, this is a Hitchhiker episode. You’re just asking for trouble with that kind of attitude. Anyhoo, Grandma babbles on about weddings and something being sacred, but again, I couldn’t really figure out exactly what she was saying.

If I can figure this out, Jeff is marrying into money, and expects his nana to acknowledge his attainment of the American Dream. (At least as defined by smug Canadians during the ‘80s, i.e., "Reagan’s Decade of Greed.") She replies that she only wants his happiness, but demands that "your soul must be pure."

Cut to Jeff arriving outside the mansion that he will soon, presumably, be residing in. Inside he joins Jackie, a somewhat older but well-preserved woman who I have to guess is his meal ticket. She’s doing her make-up before a large vanity mirror, and almost immediately drops her robe to reveal her bra and panties. Then, in a strenuously ‘artistic’ shot, she enters her bedroom and lies across the bed, as shot through the bars of a birdcage. (Wow!) It’s like she’s in a prison of her own making or something deep and philomasophical like that.

Jeff joins her, undoing his belt as he enters. (The room, you pervert.) As classical piano music plays—apparently this was Nagy’s episode where he decided to show everybody what an artiste he was—Jeff strips down, followed by the inevitable ‘hot’ simulated sex and naked boobies that HBO sold the show on. Sadly for the aficionado, that means that there won’t be much of interest to hope for during the episode’s remaining 19 minutes.

He kisses and nuzzles her for upwards of five seconds—somewhere along the line her bra just dematerializes—before moaning, "You’re incredible, Jackie." Wow, imagine what she’s like when they’re actually, like, you know, doing something. By the way, they draw attention to Carl, Jackie’s bird. He’s a myna bird or something that can talk, so you know he’s going to be part of Jeff’s downfall. If I had to guess, Jeff kills Jackie, or somebody, and is exposed by the bird repeating something Jeff said. We’ll see, I guess.

Luckily, this time around the sex scene is mercifully brief. Although that might herald another later on, like if Jeff has a younger woman he’s fooling around with and they’re planning to kill Jackie and inherit her money and then the bird thing…of course, that’s a lot of guessing based on what we’ve seen so far, but I’m just trying to think of the most stereotypical plot I can come up with, which won’t often lead you much astray when watching this program.

Cut to Jackie and Jeff having a meal, joined by Peter, a Tony Randall-esque cravat-wearing fop. They rather clumsily mention that he’s a plastic surgeon, so obviously that will come into play somehow. [Future Ken: Actually, it doesn’t. His being a doctor has minor significance, but their emphasis on his being a plastic surgeon goes nowhere.] Seconds later a young woman, Pamela, enters. Honestly compels me to report that I smiled rather smugly at this moment, since I’m assuming that she is or will be Jeff’s secret lover, as hypothesized in the previous paragraph.

Pamela is Jackie’s obviously bitchy stepdaughter, and she supposedly is just meeting Jeff for the first time. So either I’m wrong about where things are going (which I doubt), or they’re lying about not having met (possible), or her illicit relationship with Jeff hasn’t begun yet (most likely). Since the Hitchhiker noted that Jeff "isn’t a bad guy," I’m assuming that Pamela will femme fatale him into the general plot outline I’ve suggested. Adding probability to this option is that it would allow for another boobie scene during Jeff’s undoubtedly literal seduction to the dark side.

Wow, that didn’t take long. Jeff is napping, coincidentally right next to one of those submerged viewing windows some people have in the walls of their swimming pools. He awakens when Pamela jumps in for a swim. I was actually surprised, well, all right, downright astounded, that she wasn’t swimming naked. That actually represents a deal of restraint for this show. However, horndog Jeff quickly scampers topside so that he can strut past her all manfully-like in his swim trunks, earning a heated glance. Boy, you could cut the sexual tension with a noodle. By the way, I don’t know whose seaside house they filmed this at, but it’s pretty frickin’ swank.

Cut to Jeff relaxing in the Jacuzzi. Needless to say, Pamela soon saunters in for a couple of lame double entendres, before the ceremonial removing of her bikini. We get a little ‘T’ (hey, at least they’re real) and a little ‘A’, and then she climbs in with him and…cue the generic soft porn music. I think you can pretty much figure out the rest of the scene.

From this we cut to the wedding, which is held in Jackie’s home. Apparently they blew the location budget renting this place, and couldn’t afford to construct a chapel set too. When Jeff moves in for the traditional first married kiss, however, he and Pamela exchange a Significant Glance.

At the post-wedding bash, however, it’s clear that Jackie suspects at least an attraction between two. Pamela asks a dance with Jeff, and Jackie accedes, although she acidly reminds her stepdaughter that she (Jackie) completely controls Pamela’s trust fund. That seems an odd set-up, but you know, it nudges the plot along.

Hilariously, Pamela and Jeff then discuss and clarify for the denser viewer this situation on the overly crowded dance floor, with several other couples dancing at best a foot or two away. "Of course her premature passing could change all of that," Pamela loudly declares at one point. (!!) I’m sure that in his head, the scriptwriter either saw the two of them as being more isolated, or at least imagined the music being louder. Here’s at least six people would find it impossible not to hear the two’s conversation. In fact, at one key point Jackie herself comes waltzing past them. (!)

Jeff is still hot for Pamela, but she’s cutting him off as long as he’s married to Jackie. He beseeches her to change her mind, during which they intercut several artistic shots of Grandmother’s "sacred" wedding figurine sitting atop the wedding cake. (Rather oddly, Carl’s birdcage is situated right behind the cake. What, Jackie had the bird moved from her bedroom to attend the wedding reception?!) Hmm, Jeff’s soul isn’t really looking all that pure, is it? If I had to guess, he probably should have paid more attention to what nana was trying to tell him.

Across the dance floor from each other, Jackie and Jeff both begin evincing signs of a bad fever. Meanwhile, we still keep cutting to the cake-top husband and wife figurine, which significantly is encircled by lit wedding candles. (!!!) So, wait, you’re telling me the friggin’ figurine is magic? And why the heck is Jackie getting the works? Given that she isn’t messing around, you can only assume that the effects of the figurine are morally neutral. Good grief, they better hope nobody ever knocks it off the mantle or somehow ends up sticking it in the freezer.

Oh, and just in case we don’t ‘get’ it, the figurine—which admittedly looks pretty big and heavy to be sitting atop a cake—keels over, whereupon both a heavily sweating Jackie and Jeff collapse to the floor. The latter, however, actually notices the state of the figurine, and presumably begins to suspect its eerie—if patently laughable—eldritch powers.

Intrigued, Jeff later takes the knickknack into the garage. Setting up at a workbench, he begins working a carpentry nail under the hand of the male half of the figurine. I was thinking, "Watch out, you moron, you’ll snap the hand off. Then where you be?" However, I guess he merely scratches it. When he ends up with a corresponding cut on his wrist, he smiles wickedly.

Which…is pretty much the opposite of my own reaction. I mean, maybe it’s because I’m inordinately clumsy and disposed to knocking crap over. However, would you really be pleased to learn that your physical state corresponded to that of a figure made out of plaster? Even if you were apparently thinking of using half of it to commit the ‘perfect murder’? Not me. Perhaps I’ve just seen too many horror movies, but yikes. I’d be thinking of how to safeguard this thing. For example, could you stow it in a safe deposit box, or would you then suffocate? Man, the whole idea makes my palms sweat.

Also, how does artifact work? It’s composed of two linked figures, a man and a woman, and symbolizes their union. Would you really feel secure in the idea that one half of it could be destroyed and the other half safely preserved? Also, is the cut on his wrist going to heal? If so, how come? Wouldn’t he have to fill the scratch on the figurine in, or at least touch up the paint? I guess not. Still, man, this has ‘bad idea’ written all over it. (Oh, and in case you don’t see where this might be going, check out the episode title again.)

A plot forming in his head, Jeff goes to visit Pamela. He’s shocked to find her packing, although since she’s doing so while wearing lingerie, I assume the idea is that she expected him to call and is using the threat of leaving to help convince him to bump off Jackie. In any case, her scheme works, and after confirming that she’ll inherent her stepmother’s money should something happen to her, Jeff agrees to take care of the situation.

I had to laugh as he began explaining the significance of the statuette. "Whatever happens to the figurines," he explains, "happens to me, happens to Jackie!" Now, I realize the entire film noir genre requires men who are befuddled by some temptress and thus doomed. However, think about the situation here. If Jackie dies, Pamela ends up inheriting all the money. Meanwhile, Jeff is telling her how both he and Jackie are vulnerable to a magic statue, not exactly the kind of murder weapon that would end be being much use in court. I suppose its possible to believe that a woman who tries to get you involved with such a murderous plot would love you too much to betray you in turn. However, I still wouldn’t go out of my way to provide her with a failsafe mechanism for doing so.

As well, it should be noted that Pamela buys into the entire mystical Hummel figure idea with surprisingly little hesitation.

We cut to Peter binding up Jeff’s wrist. Jeff then invites him to go scuba diving that afternoon. Jeff next is seen instructing Pamela to put a glass cover over the figurine at a concurrent time. I guess the idea is that Jackie will suffocate, while Jeff will be safe because he’ll have an independent air supply with him. That doesn’t seem to be to be very strong logic where magical forces are involved, but what do I know? (Also, again, all Pamela would have to do is just smash the thing and everything would be hers.)

Three o’clock comes, and it’s time to put the plan into action. Jeff has donned his tank and is on the beach with Peter, supposedly preparing him to enter the water, when Pamela seals off the figurine with the glass dome. Sure enough, Jackie starts having problems breathing, and expires before a quickly summoned Peter can reach her. Presumably the idea is that Peter will establish that Jeff was nowhere around Jackie when she died, while the doctor’s absence will allow Jeff the chance to breath from the tank without arousing suspicion. Meanwhile, as Jackie succumbs, we get more shots of her bird. I now freely admit this obviously won’t be playing the role I suggested earlier, which makes its recurring presence on camera all the more bizarre.

Jeff follows Peter into the house, sucking on the breathing apparatus. When he and Pamela hear the maid shriek out that Jackie is dead, Jeff signals his accomplice and she removes the glass cover. With five minutes of running time yet to go, all that is left is to waste some time until Jeff reaps his horrible just desserts (oops, sorry). Perhaps Pamela will marry him first him, so that their karmic fate will be shared. She would have to be quite a dunce to make herself subject to the figurine’s magic that way, but on this show, who knows?

We cut to the not-too grieving couple returning from the funeral. At this point Jeff decides to put the figurine somewhere safe (no sh*t, Sherlock), and pops it in a room where Carl the bird is currently being kept. It’s not enough to just show the bird being there, by the way. Instead, Carl in his cage gets a big close-up. OK, now I think I see what the whole bird thing is about. You have to take your hat off to a plot featuring murder by magic figurine, which is then avenged by a vengeance-seeking Myna bird. By the way, Jeff doesn’t put the thing in a padded box, or even on top of a pillow. No, he leaves it sitting on the corner of a desktop, about two/three inches from the edge. (!!) I have to say, cavalier doesn’t even cover this guy.

Since we already had two nudie scenes, and although noting that they had left a surprising amount of time left, I really didn’t figure even this show would stoop to a third one. My mistake. I guess maybe Jeff will get his while he’s making love to Pamela. Still, although that would be pretty gross for her I guess, she’d still end up getting away with murder and a boatload of money. Perhaps the Hitchhiker will come out and say, "Oh, and, uh, because they were lovers, or something, the same thing happened to her." That would really be stretching things, even in a story featuring a mystical plaster statue, but who knows? I mean, if that was where they were going, they really should have had them get married themselves.

Anyhoo. Classical piano music starts playing, and Pamela starts flashing her goodies for the edification of their HBO audience. Meanwhile, and I hope you’re sitting down, but it turns out the door to Carl’s birdcage is unsecured. Boy, Jeff really shouldn’t have moved the figurine to the edge of the desk there, huh?

We get some more ‘steamy’ action, all while the bird flutters around the figurine. Then Carl starts actually attacking the thing, tearing at it with his talons. (I would roll my eyes about a bird having figured out Jeff’s vulnerability, but it’s a venerable Horror Movie Rule: Animals—they always know.) Jeff and Pamela are somewhat nonplussed to have their carnal pleasures interrupted by big spurting fissures appearing on Jeff’s body, followed by a not exactly necessary bit where Carl starts digging at the male figure’s eyes.

Then, the show pulls out all the stops and demonstrates why it’s laugh-inducing powers should never be underestimated: The figurine finally topples, as an agonized Jeff stumbles down the stone steps leading down to the beach, whereupon he turns into a hollow plaster statue and shatters into a zillion pieces. Really. Pamela looks mildly perturbed at her lover’s fate, and then returns to the house, presumably to enjoy her youth and all her stepmother’s money. That’ll learn her.

The Hitchhiker Wraps Things Up: "Jeff Boder wanted too much. Much too much. He tried to step way up, and stumbled into Hell." (Wow!)*

[*For reasons explained above, the Hitchhiker simply narrates this rather than appearing on camera. Talk about cheap!]

Gratuitous Naked Boobies? As indicated, three different times. Oh, and remember to watch for Jackie’s disappearing bra during her sex scene. It’s pretty hilarious.

Loads of ‘Adult’ Language? Not so much.

Whatever Happened To…:

Afterthoughts:

Although one previous Hitchhiker episode I’ve reviewed (Night Shift) featured a supernatural element, I don’t really remember the program specializing in those. Perhaps now that I have nearly the complete run on DVD, and can systematically go through them in order, I’ll learn that this was a mistaken assumption. However, my guess is that they tried such a plot in the trial run of three episodes to see what might work and/or prove popular with viewers. Hence the first show (When Morning Comes) featured a more mundane ‘suspense plot,’ with this second try a more fantastic one.

In any case, it’s a mark of the program’s essentially goofball nature that the purportedly ‘realistic’ plotlines never seem any more believable than the otherworldly ones.