The Hitchhiker was one of the very first made-for-cable TV series. It was on HBO, and at the time, the network was convinced that ‘made for cable’ meant, basically, ‘we can swear and show naked boobies.’ That was what the fledgling cable outfit considered their ace in the hole, and man, they played it as often as they could.

As high school students, my friend Andrew Muchoney and I nurtured a minor fixation on the show. Since HBO was selling it on its ‘mature’ content, they obviously didn’t care about any other aspect of the program. It was a mystery/suspense anthology series, sans much mystery or suspense. Occasionally it would introduce a supernatural note into the proceedings, albeit usually not to any greater effect than the more typically mundane stories.

What killed the show, beyond all doubt, were the awful scripts. Alfred Hitchcock proved, as have many others, that you can write extremely suspenseful teleplays for a half hour program. If there were a nuclear war, however, and the only anthology series to survive the apocalypse was The Hitchhiker, then future generations of mutant half-men might well be forgiven for believing that this wasn’t the case.

The reason I can so confidentially blame the screenplays is that the show did draw many well-known directors and actors. Paul Verhoeven and Philip Noyce helm episodes on this disc, and a veritable roster of familiar thespians are on display. However, the former are defeated by the program’s evident shoestring budgets and apparent five-day shooting schedules, while the latter suffer from a manifest lack of prep time and having to shoulder inane storylines and goofy dialogue.

The plots were, in most cases, laughably contrived and witless shaggy dog stories. Nor did it help to have these boring narratives stretched out well past their intrinsic worth, spinning wheels until the clock indicated that it was the time to spring some hoary punch line upon us. The plots often centered, like HBO’s later Tales From the Crypt, on some jerk or other who would receive a violent comeuppance by episode’s end. Most often, we saw exactly where the story was going about two or three minutes in, at which point we were forced to wade through twenty minutes of cheesy death-dealing and guys peeking at naked women through windows before we were afforded the sweet release of whatever painfully obvious ‘twist’ ending was on the menu that evening.

The titular character was the narrator of the show. His introductions and closing remarks were always a highlight, as in an attempt to sound ‘cool,’ they usually ending sounding like something written by the bastard child of Rod Serling and Ed Wood, Jr. Syntax was not, I fear, was not the Hitchhiker’s strength, and he would often attempt metaphors and allusion so dense and complex that by sentence’s end he would have patently forgotten what he had meant to be saying. Seriously, you’d listen to these five line orations and you’d inevitably be thinking, "What the hell does that mean?" The manner in which these remarks were presented, as if they were brilliant meditations on the human condition, didn’t help. You have to love the breathy delivery and Shatner-esque dramatic pauses these things were rife with, however.

To me, the nature of the Hitchhiker himself was always a sign of how misconceived the program was. As a wanderer who had apparently witnessed or heard of many a macabre event over the years, the Hitchhiker should by rights have been a grizzled old man, one whose age and experience would lend his tales and their resultant morals gravitas and perhaps even wisdom. Think John Carradine, in his later years. Now if you picked up a hitchhiker like him on some lonely desert road late one night, well, there would be a guy you’d believe have been around the block a couple of times and seen a strange thing or two.

In other words, the Hitchhiker should have followed in the footsteps of his radio forebears, worldly chaps like The Whistler or the Old Hermit. Instead, the show’s Hitchhiker was a 20-something guy in a leather jacket who looked distressingly like a Calvin Klein model. The only nod they gave to his purported well-traveled status was some Don Johnson-esque beard stubble. The actor was so completely different from what the Hitchhiker should have been that the mere sight of him always brought me a rush of pleasure.

Moreover, despite the logical set-up for these things, given the most basic idea of a hitchhiker, we seldom if ever saw him relating these tales to someone who had stopped to give him a ride, or ended up bunking down in the same ratty motel somewhere. Instead, Our Narrator would pop up on scene, an idea no doubt ripped off from Rod Serling’s intros to The Twilight Zone. Here, though, it made no sense. We’d meet a character, get the gist of the scenario, and then typically he or she would walk past the Hitchhiker, whereupon the camera would stay on him as he said his piece.

In my mom’s house we had cable, but not the premium movie channels. Therefore I didn’t catch The Hitchhiker until it was later rerun on the USA Network. Since that was a basic cable station, they clipped all the nudity and swearing out. (This was also the mysteriously successful motus operandi of USA’s long-running B-movie showcase, Up All Night.) To me, this made the show all the funnier. I made a game out of guessing what was the exact moment that some nudity had been shorn. I must admit, this wasn’t a pastime that demanded a great font of mental acuity. Let’s just say that the Hitchhiker was very detail oriented when relating one of his stories. If a woman in his tale had at some juncture paused to take a shower, by gum, we were told of it.

In any case, a number of the shows have just been released on a two-disc DVD set. Now, since they’re harvesting what presumably would be the best of the show’s multi-year run, it could be that the episodes I’m about to watch, after not having seen the show in a good fifteen years, will prove to be a cherry-picked collection of fairly good chapters. I’m willing to take that chance, however. Even if this represents roughly the best 15% of the show’s run (10 episodes gleaned from the total run of 85), I’m betting we’ll get some pretty schlocky and inept stuff here.

Moreover, of the five installments on the first disc, three are accompanied by director’s commentaries. (!!) How can I pass up such a thing? Yes, I will even dare the risk that the show won’t prove nearly as comically inept as I so warmly recall. Here, then, will follow my utterly candid notes as I pull to the side of the road to pick up an oddly familiar thumb-busting transient.

I really liked the fact that the actual disc carries on the show’s tradition of undermining itself. There’s an option to watch all the episodes at once, but presumably more folks will opt to view them one at a time. When this is the case, each segment is introduced with a card naming the prominent cast members, the director, and a synopsis of the plot. I must admit that I get much more annoyed than most apparently do to have plot details of a movie I haven’t seen blown for me. I pretty much stopped reading reviews of newly released films some years ago, and generally turn away from the screen and hum when subjected to endless theatrical trailers that blow 90% of a film’s plotline.

Even given that, though, I have to wonder at the utility of revealing the plot of the show we’re about to watch. Even when they don’t blow a plot twist, there seems little profit in knowing where the story is going in advance. And indeed, the first episode’s write-up hilariously blows its major ‘surprise.’ I guess because there’s another lame twist right at the end, they figured giving away anything up ‘til then didn’t matter much.

Normally, this sort of thing would fill me with rage. However, since the show itself was so prone to telegraphing exactly where it will end up, this aspect in fact seemed entirely fitting. I’m not saying that the disc was designed by someone who viewed the show with the same affectionate contempt I feel for it, and that said descriptions therefore represent a sly piece of japery on his part. However, I’d like to imagine it’s so. And should it be true, well, sir, my hat’s off to you! In any case, reading these intros removes about 90% of the point of actually watching the episodes.

The opening credits of the show featured pounding percussive music, which pretty clearly seems inspired by the theme music for the evil titular monk in the chop socky classic Master of the Flying Guillotine. The Hitchhiker, clad in an artfully battered leather pilot’s jacket and wearing jeans apparently spray-painted over his tight butt cheeks—sadly, there’s no escaping this sight the way things are filmed—is busting thumb as he walks along a series of remote desert highways. He’s so cool, by the way, that he doesn’t bother with either a hat or sunglasses, although he obviously gelled his wavy perm with some amount of attention.

I debated whether I should blow the ending here, and decided, what the heck? Consider yourselves warned.

Episode: "Last Scene" Disc’s Plot Description: "The chilling story of a movie director who will do anything to get a good performance out of his leading lady." Names: Paul Verhoeven, director. Stars Peter Coyote. Set up: We get a lengthy, purportedly ‘hot’ sex scene featuring the lead actress’ naked boobies. After two full minutes (!) of this--the simulated sex, not her breasts-- her jerk of a lover leaves. Clad in a towel, she gets a phone call from a man wearing a white ceramic harlequin’s mask. He’s watching her from an apartment building across the way. After whispering at her a bit, he opens a large switchblade with an audible ‘snick.' She reacts with horror. We then learn, in a trademark ‘who cares?’ twist, that this is a scene from a movie being directed by Alex (Peter Coyote). He’s taking heat from the producer because their star actress can’t act, and is warned his career is on the line if he doesn’t get a good performance out of her. You see, everything is riding on whether she can pull off…the Last Scene. (Wow!) Angry, Alex approaches a window.  We then cut outside to a reverse shot of him staring into the distance, and who should step into view but…The Hitchhiker!! Hitchhiker Intro: "Making movies can be a little like magic. Manufacturing illusions and manipulating the way people feel. But when you fool around with what is and what isn’t, you run the risk of being tricked…by your own sleight of hand." We cut to Leda and her co-star, Duncan (the guy playing the killer in the movie). They are rehearsing…the Last Scene. (Wow!) Alex  watches. Since he’s a director, he sometimes does so while holding a camera lens up to his eye. After a bad read, Duncan starts to freak out. He screams that Leda is going to ruin his career by torpedoing the film with her bad acting. What’s funny is that Duncan isn’t really any better of an actor than she is, although I don’t think we’re supposed to notice this. Leda begs Alex for help, and he agrees to work with her one-on-one. The scene involves Leda’s character taking control and using the switchblade to slice open the neck of the villain, who turns out to be a manipulative lover of hers. At one point, I think we’re supposed to wonder whether she’s actually sliced open Alex’s neck as they rehearse, but he was only…Act-Ting!! To my complete lack of amazement, the two become romantically involved after this, although I was a little surprised this didn’t lead to another sex scene. Later, Leda finds herself *gasp* tormented in real life by a man in the same harlequin mask. Who’s the villain? Her angry co-star, Duncan? The desperate, venal producer who bankrolled the movie? Her director/lover, whose career is on the line? Well, given the plot description provided by the DVD, as quoted above, I don’t think you’ll be amazed by the answer. And so things go for quite a long time, with all sorts of, er, suspense and suchlike. Eventually, it’s *gasp* Alex who is revealed to be the Man in the Mask. He did it, dig, to enhance her performance. Angry, she turns the tables and disappears. Searching for her in her apartment, Alex hears the phone ringing and answers it. Hearing the killer’s dialogue from the movie, he turns and sees Alex in the apartment across the way, wearing the Mask and a black bustier. Have his antics driven her mad? Oh, and how the hell did she get into that apartment? With the film on the line, he chases after her. I think he supposedly figures out, somehow, where she is by reading a reference in the script. In any case, he ends up in a dance club. It's filled with partygoers wearing Halloween-type costumes and horrendous, '80s-style clothing. I again guess that this corresponds to what happened in the movie's climax, although this is never established. This also allows for a Really Gratuitous Manikin Boobie Shot. Searching through the crowd, Alex ultimately finds *gasp* Leda. She's still wearing the Mask, only it’s on the back of her head. Its like something from a Duran Duran video. Anyway, she and Alex again replay the Last Scene, which amazingly parallels his real life betrayal of her. She again ends up slicing his neck with the knife, and we are meant to wonder whether she’s actually killed him in revenge. However, the knife is a prop, and the gushing blood is only stage stuff. Assured that she’s gotten the last laugh, Leda walks out with head high. As she heads down the street, she walks past...The Hitchhiker!! Psychopathic maniac watching you with binoculars? I’m no expert, but how about pulling your curtains shut? If the whole point is that the star can’t act, shouldn’t she seem, I don’t know, worse at it than everyone else in the cast? I stopped counting after they said "last scene" six times. Can there really be a point to making a switchblade knife that gigantically large? What the hell? Did he teleport out of that hallway? So part of his brilliant scheme to get a good performance out of his lead actress was to quite possibly cause her to crash her speeding car? Look at that cinder-block sized ‘80s ‘mobile’ phone! That shock-sting with the boots? Man, you should all be ashamed. Watch out! A spring-loaded brassiere!! OK, that made no sense at all. I mean, what the hell? Again, lady, try closing your curtains. Yeesh. How the heck did he know the cops wouldn’t see her to her apartment? Was he supposed to have sliced through her blouse without cutting her on purpose? Man, that dude can really wield a switchblade! Aren’t we in about the third hour of this half hour show? OK, there’s no way anybody could move around like that. Jason from the Friday the 13th movies would be chortling in derision. First of all, I don’t think a switchblade knife would go through a door that easily. Second, if the idea is merely to scare Leda, why does Alex do about half a dozen things that in real life would end up killing her? [Answer: So that the audience will be tricked into believing someone really is trying to off her, so that that ‘surprise’ revelation will be all the more shocking.] If I ever move into an apartment building, I’m going to make sure the doors aren’t made of balsa wood. OHMYGOSH!! Alex has a harlequin mask in a cabinet in his office!! He must be Leda’s tormentor!! (Please ignore the fact that the mask is an important prop in the film Alex is directing, and thus something he might well have had in any case.) Oh, and that second mask…damn, this script is retarded. I mean, there’s so many problems with all this that I wouldn’t even know where to start. Cripes, did the screenwriter get a bonus every time he made the actors utter the phrase, "The last scene"? So…Leda rented out a dance club and got it elaborately set decorated and corralled a huge crowd of people to come to it dressed in costumes, and all in about two or three hours? A woman with those kind of logistical skills should be on The Apprentice, not pursing a career as a movie actress. OK, I did not see that guy in the Spider-Man costume. Nope, didn’t happen. Of course, Alex has to lay out his entire scheme at the end, just so we ‘get’ it. I love the part that they figure everything is explained by the fact that he used to be an actor, as if his performance skills were the sticking point in all this. Oh, yeah, I’d be playing along with my crazy lover as she recreates a scene from a movie in which she murders the man who betrayed her. What could possibly go awry with that scenario? Man, is that guy suggestive. At the end, when Leda has supposedly learned to act, shouldn’t we notice a difference in her talent level? That chunky guy in the Fonzie Jacket and the Zorro Mask, the one in the background there? Man, he really can’t dance. To be fair, a mild positive point for this one is that in the end, they didn’t actually kill anyone. At least that was unexpected. The Hitchhiker Wraps Things Up: "Alex Nolan directed movies.* He bent the light and the shadows, and called it Truth. He used people like creatures of clay. But the Truth, when it’s bent, has a way of snapping back. And the creatures created…well, they often have the last laugh." [*Hilariously, this is wrong. It’s established several times that this is Alex’s first, er, stab, at directing.] Immortal Dialogue: Confident Stud: "So when will I get to see you again?" Sassy Female Lover: "The next time I’m hungry for some bad sex!" Gratuitous Naked Boobies? You bet. Loads of ‘Adult’ Language? Yep. Whatever Happened To…: Paul Verhoeven and Peter Coyote’s subsequent careers are fairly well known. LaGena Hart (Leda) went on to a semi-regular career playing bit parts in obscure movies. Her most prominent role since her 1983 Hitchhiker appearance was as Pizza House Wife in There’s Something About Mary (1998). After that triumph, she appears to have retired. The movie's producer was played by veteran character actor Tom Heaton. He’s remained busy doing small movie roles and numerous TV appearances. He has appeared in any number of sci-fi oriented shows. Garwin Saunders (Duncan) has also appeared in tons of genre television series and, like Heaton, has appeared in dozens of movies in various minute parts. Want to experience further bone-chilling excitement with The Hitchhiker?  Read what happens on the Nightshift!