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for

April 2004

With Premiere’s Summer Movie Preview issue on the stands, I thought I’d get a head start on the subject myself. I usually do these by listing those films I pretend I'll get to when they're in the theater.  However, since I generally end up getting out to see very, very few of them—for instance, I didn’t see The Hulk until it hit DVD—I decided that was pointless. Most of the titles, therefore, are put into one big category.

Of course, plenty of other films are due out this summer, such as a number of teen romance pictures and obscure art house stuff, but I mostly gave those flicks a pass and concentrated on the more mainstream stuff.

The Big Kahuna:

Spider-Man 2: Duh. The first film was pretty damn decent. Even so, this one might well be that rarest of things, a sequel that’s better than its progenitor. (Hey, it worked for Batman Returns.) Everything’s in place here, and it’s always a good sign with the fundamental creative people all return for follow-up films. The origin stuff was taken care of in the first film, allowing for a smoother story this time around. I was never that big of a Green Goblin fan, and I don’t think I’m alone in expecting Doc Ock to be a much more dynamic Spidey nemesis. The first preview certainly looked tremendous, although I’ll be ducking the longer ones coming up. I’d rather wait until I’m actually watching the movie to see any more of it.

The Slightly Lesser Kahunas:

Troy: I love historicals, and we’ve seen a fairly decent stretch of them in the years since Gladiator. Of course, Ye Olde Historical Revisionism must be feared. (Am I the only one flinching with dismay at the half-naked warrior Guinevere featured in the previews for the upcoming King Arthur?) I’ve learned to generally place my bet on a film’s director, and Wolfgang Petersen knows what he’s about. The cast is pretty decent, too, with Brad Pitt as Achillies, Eric Bana, the ubiquitous Orlando Bloom, Brian Cox (yay), Peter O’Toole (double yay) and Sean Bean. The R rating is reassuring, too. I’m not one to prefer R rated fare in general. For example, I actually prefer the recent run of PG-13 horror films, which force directors to exercise their suspense muscles. However, I think an R is about right for this one.

The Village: As I said, I’m a director man, and any summer with films by Raimi, Petersen and M. Night Shyamalan sounds good to me. The Sixth Sense auteur returns to the horror genre with this spiffy looking entry. Set in 1897, a small town set within a forest finds its truce with the…somethings…that live in the woods around them wearing thin. The cast includes veteran thesps William Hurt and Sigourney Weaver.

Open Water: Getting pushed as "The Blair Witch Project with Sharks," this is a low-budget film based on an actual incident wherein two scuba-diving spouses found themselves left behind in shark-laden waters. The actors worked in the water with real sharks, by the way, protected with chainmail worn under their diving suits. This was a big hit at Sundance, and is rumored to be pretty harrowing. If this gets the proper sort of release, it could outperform all but a handful of the big boys.

Alt House Fale…

Gojira: In 1954, director Ishiro Honda introduced one of the world’s seminal cinema creations to the silver screen. In America, the movie was dubbed into English, inserts with actor Raymond Burr were added and it was retitled Godzilla King of the Monsters. Now, for the first time, the original Japanese version is getting a national art house release. Here in Chicago it’ll play the Music Box Theatre in July. The entire schedule and the re-release trailer can be found at http://www.rialtopictures.com/godzilla.html.

Zatoichi: Japanese media maven Takeshi "Beat" Kitano revives the blind swordsman character originally played by actor Shintaro Katsu in about a billion movies—many of which are available on DVD, via a variety of companies—and a couple of TV shows. If you live in a big city, this one might hit your local art theater.

Alien vs. Predator: Freddy vs. Jason worked, but will lightning strike twice? On the good side, Lance Henriksen is always a joy to watch on a big screen. On the down side, the film is directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. I really liked Mortal Kombat, but such competent yet generally unimpressive subsequent pictures as Soldier, Event Horizon and Resident Evil don’t exactly tint my glasses a rosy color.

Anchorman: Yet more ‘70s nostalgia comedy, with Will Ferrell following up his box office smash Elf. He plays a clueless, vain newscaster who wears a lot of polyester, and I think it pretty much writes itself from there. Given the dearth of comedies this summer, this might be huge.

Around the World in 80 Days: Love the Jackie Chan, but I fear the ‘make it bigger’ curse will ruin this remake of the old David Niven flick. Anachronistic versions of the past also give me gas, so I’m not holding my breath with this one. As with the Niven picture, this one supposedly features a lot of star cameos. Some will argue that Rob Schneider is no Frank Sinatra or Peter Lorre or John Carradine, but hey.

Baadassssss!: Mario "Jaws: The Revenge" Van Peebles stars as his real-life father, Melvin Van Peebles, who single-handedly created the ‘70s Blaxploitation genre by making the seminal if crude and politically paranoid Sweet Sweetback’s Baadassssss Song. Peebles the second doesn’t exactly have an inspiring résumé as a director (New Jack City…good / Posse and Panther…not so much), but he was great as Fred Flintstone’s daughter. This obviously won’t get much theatrical play, so watch for it on DVD.

Blade: Trinity: The day walking, half-vamp scourge of the Undead (Wesley Snipes) is back in this third chapter of the entertaining series.

The Bourne Supremacy: Matt Damon and Franke Potente return in this sequel to the pretty decent The Bourne Identity. Brian Cox and Julia Stiles are also back. Should be a solid film, but can it hack its way through all the competition?

The Chronicles of Riddick: I have nothing against Vin Diesel, but when are people going to notice that he’s never once starred in a very good movie? (I exclude Iron Giant, since that was just voice work.) Actually, I guess everyone has noticed it, because Diesel is hardly seen in the long preview trailer for this movie, which is even weirder because he’s returning as the character he played in the moderately OK Pitch Dark. I expect this one to come and go with nary a ripple, and taking a huge budget with it. Co-stars Dame Judi Dench (!).

Collateral: Tom Cruise, who while staying strictly within the parameters of being a film star displays an extraordinary career canniness, takes the role of the villain in this one. Cruise is a hit man working his way through a list of victims. Along the way he forces cab driver Jamie Fox to chauffer him around as he does so. As noted, whatever one thinks of Cruise as a person, he generally delivers at the very least a highly professional product, and the fact that Michael Mann is directing only increases my interest.

The Day After Tomorrow: Unlike previous summers, this season boasts only one disaster movie, so if it’s any good it should do well. Global warming blah blah blah, and New York City is inundated for about the dozenth time, but there’s lots of other havoc to boot. Plus: I love me the Dennis Quaid, and who doesn’t enjoy watching Ian Holm? Minus: Directed by Roland Emmerich, one of those names, like Michael Bay and Renny Harlin, that you should always approach with caution.

De-Lovely: This summer’s "What the Hell?!" entry. Kevin Kline plays Cole Porter in a musical biopic (!!!) that examines his life, songs, relationship with his wife (Ashley Judd) and his homosexuality. Watch out, Chicago!

Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story: Another Ben Stiller comedy, presumably destined to end up in his ever-growing Forgettable column. A team of…three guesses…misfits enters into a big dodgeball tournament to save their gym from "a corrupt corporate fitness center." That’s right, it’s a veritable remake of Heavenly Bodies, although I doubt if it will prove anywhere near as hilarious. If you think Stiller with a big mullet is screamingly funny, this is the movie for you.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: Helmer Chris Columbus, burned out after making the first two chapters of the Potter saga, walked away from this one. In an intriguing choice, Warner Brothers hired sexy art house smash Y Tu Mama Tambien’s Alfonso Cuaron. That’s a real roll of the dice, especially since Columbus’s stolid emphasis on just bringing the books to the screen has proven so successful. If this works, though, it should really be quite cool. (On the other hand, Cuaron’s comparison during a news interview of series villain Voldemort to President Bush showcases why it’s hard to parody Hollywood groupthink.) The tone of this one, as befits Harry’s approach to manhood, is promised to be darker than the previous entries. The deceased Richard Harris as Dumbledore will certainly be missed, although Michael Gambon is a more than worthy replacement.

I, Robot: I don’t know, Will Smith isn’t exactly on a roll, and the odds of a Hollywood film not dumbing down Isaac Asimov—sadly, what pop culture types would consider an ‘intellectual’—are not good. The fact that the trailer is one of those jobs that seems to blow pretty much the entire movie doesn’t help either. Yes, much of the action looks cool, but also dishearteningly generic. CGI is allowing for gigantic scales of action, but such overblown spectacle is already losing its novelty value. The film is directed by Alex Proyas, though, and Dark City was pretty darn neat. Still, it’s hard to envision this one not getting quickly lost in the crowd.

King Arthur: As indicated above, I think this looks awful. The fact that they’re pushing it in the previews as the "real story" behind the legend ain’t helping, especially as the ads makes it look like the studio pitch amounted to, "Let’s remake Excalibur, only with a hundred million dollar budget." By the way, after Gladiator, Timeline, and The Alamo, I think it’s time to retire the catapult-delivered fireballs. The drive to up the ‘action’ ante when portraying plenty horrible but low-technology battles is tiresome in the extreme.

The Manchurian Candidate: This year’s most retarded remake idea is to update John Frankenheimer brilliant Cold War paranoia classic. The sacrificial cast is great, including Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep (playing the Angela Lansbury role), Liev Schreiber and Jon Voight, but really, what’s the point? Oh, and the last time director Jonathon Demme redid a movie he turned Charade into The Truth About Charlie. The odds of this finding an audience among all the bigger films are just slightly less than those of it being a worthy remake.

New York Minute: The Olsen twins finally hit the big screen, supported by the ubiquitous Eugene Levy. Their legion of young female fans may or may not make this a Princess Diaries-sized hit, but in any case another market should ensure a huge sales figure when this hits DVD, or so I deduce from this remark: "We have a lot of scenes where we’re doing awkward things in sexy outfits." According to the write-up, the director "gave the pint-sized starlets a chance to swap their trademark good girl-bad girl roles." (Although they elected not to do so.) One of the Olsen twins is a ‘bad girl’? Who knew?

Shrek 2: Like many, I thought the first film was an utter gas. Let’s hope they can keep match it with this one. An all-but guaranteed hit.

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow: This one popped up on everyone’s radar when a jaw-droppingly spiffy preview trailer hit the Web. Set in a Doc Savage-esque sci-fi 1930’s version of New York, it’s the comic book Blackhawk meets Flash Gordon, as a squad of intrepid fighter pilots attempts to fights off an (alien?) invasion, including a scene featuring a fleet of 200 foot tall robots. Damn, this could be awesome. Stars Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow and (hmm) Angelina Jolie. NOTE: Sky Captain’s release date has been moved to September, due to Spider-Man 2’s release date being moved up two days.

The Stepford Wives: Seemingly another useless remake, and that may prove the case. (Especially since this has been remade half a dozen times already, between sequels and various assorted knock-offs.) However, at least they’re trying a different take on the material, since this version is a more comic take on the ‘guys replacing wives with robots’ idea. On the other hand, there was The Incredible Shrinking Woman… Director Frank Oz generally turns in good work, but the cast is a mixed bag. Nicole Kidman, Glenn Close and Christopher Walken (oh, yeah) are good signs, Matthew Broderick and (ick) Bette Midler not so. We’ll see.

The Terminal: Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks reteam after their delightful lark, Catch Me If You Can. Hanks just had his first bomb in about ten years, The Lady Killers, so he can use another automatic hit. He plays a foreigner who, sans a valid passport following a coup in his native land, is forced to live in New York’s JFK airport. Catherine Zeta Jones co-stars.

Thunderbirds: This summer’s weirdest project has to be this live-action adaptation of the old Gerry Anderson marionette show, featuring the International Rescue team and their array of amazing vehicles. The cast is more than solid, though, with fan fave Bill Paxton supported by Anthony Edwards and Ben Kingsley (!) as the villain. This is aiming to be this summer’s Spy Kids, and there’s nothing wrong with that, although of course the execution’s the thing. Directed by Will Riker, er, Jonathon Frakes.

Van Helsing: This just reflects my personal preferences, but the preview confirmed everything I feared about his movie. After a certain point, a project’s sheer size tends to makes it increasingly unwieldy, and my instincts tell me that this will be 2004’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. On the other hand, I did like both of director Stephen Sommers’ Mummy films more than I expected. Bottom line, chances are I won’t see this one in the theater unless it gets a pretty solid slate of good reviews.

Raising Helen: The terrifying Gary "Pretty Woman" Marshall returns with a horrendous sounding comedy / drama starring Kate Hudson as a woman who is forced to grow up when her sister dies and Hudson has to raise her three kids. Wasn’t that the general plot of some TV show? Or five of them, every year? "It’s so rare that you get to play parts that are funny and sad," Hudson inaccurately muses. "I cried so hard at the end of the script. It was a no-brainer." No argument there. The tagline is "Helen help us." Cripes. There’s also a romantic angle with John Corbett, who apparently was saved by My Big Fat Greek Wedding from having to star exclusively in awful disaster movies (Volcano, The Sky’s On Fire, On Hostile Ground). Here he plays ‘Pastor Dan.’ Paris Hilton also has a cameo, following up her triumphant turn as ‘Female Club-Goer’ in The Cat in the Hat. Really, though, is Helen Mirren so hard up for work that she has to appear in stuff like this?

Tear Out My Eyes:

White Chicks: Us oldsters will remember a hilarious SNL bit where Eddie Murphy was made up to look white and set out to see how the other half lived. (Thus learning that when all black people get off a train, the white people pass out Champaign and have a party. Oh, and we don’t charge each other for stuff.) In this, Marlon and Shawn Wayans are forced to get similarly made-up so as to impersonate two white chicks of the rich, vapid Hilton Sisters variety. In fact, according to the IMDB, the titular femmes are the "Wilton Sisters," which gives you a sense of the film’s comedic wit. The preview I saw was literally painful, full of horrible comedy, including the sort of racial ‘humor’ that would cause riots if the film were made by white people. Ghastly and appalling about sums it up.

This year’s Bad movie theme: Cats.

Garfield: The Movie: As hard as it is to believe, youngsters, there was a time long ago when Garfield was a great comic strip. (If you check out the first three or four digests, you’ll see what I mean.) Before there was Dilbert, there was Calvin & Hobbs, and before that was Garfield. Then cartoonist Jim Davis became a full-time product tie-in guy, making bazillions of dollars in the process, and he gave up personally writing and drawing the strip. Instead, he established a studio assembly line to churn out the horrible generic adventures of the grumpy orange cat seen over the last ten years. Anyhoo, about twenty years after it makes any sense—except for Hollywoodian, "Good grief! Scooby Doo made a hundred and fifty million dollars! Get me something like that!" sort of sense—they’ve decided to bring the fat cat to the screen. As with the Scooby movies, actors will plays the humans, and the animals will be CGI. Apparently fearing he’s been drawing too much critical respect lately, Bill Murray (!!) is providing the voice of Garfield, even though he’s all wrong for the part. (Of course, so was Lorenzo Music, who played the TV show Garfield. Instead, the late Walter Matthau would have been perfect.) Meanwhile, further evidence that Jabootu has shown a personal interest in this one is provided by the fact that veterinarian/Jon’s love interest Dr. Liz Wilson is being played by the dreaded Jennifer Love Hewitt. Voices for additional cartoon animals will be provided by Jimmy Kimmel, Brad Garrett, Alan Cumming, Debra Messing and Mo’nique. Oddly, the IMDB listing mentions about twenty roles, human and cartoon, but Odie the dog isn’t one of them.  He has to be in the film, I'm sure, so I found that quite strange.

Catwoman: "It’s definitely about woman empowerment and being in touch with your sexuality," star Halle Berry has burbled. Wow, a hot female movie character actually in touch with her sexuality. Imagine, unlike the horribly repressed ones we usually see instead, who all insist that there will be no hanky-panky until they have that wedding ring on their finger. The write-up also promises "a spectacular catfight [sigh] with a wicked cosmetics mogul [Sharon Stone]." If one film this summer gives off the stink of used kitty litter, it’s this one. Certainly no other upcoming picture has generated the sort of bad buzz this one has. A rough-cut trailer popped up on the ‘Net recently, and raised such howls of derision that it was quickly pulled. Signs indicate that this will be the flick that re-introduces the dreaded ‘camp’ element that has ruined so many earlier comic book movies, making one again wonder whether there’s a single frickin’ brain to be found in Hollywood. One can only hope that this aspect will be toned down following all the bad press—not that such tinkering helped the similarly abortive ’98 Deanzilla movie much—yet the main character is still named ‘Patience Price,’ and the origin and powers of Catwoman in no way reflect the established comic book character. (Instead, her origin largely seems a retread of the Michele Pfeiffer Catwoman’s in Batman Returns.) Now, no one admires Ms. Berry’s physical charms more than I, and I’ve no doubt this role will suit her better than Storm from the X-Men series. Even so, this one looks to be an out and out fiasco. And why the hell did this cost $100 million when an f/x driven monster-fest like Hellboy cost $60 million? Berry’s salary can’t be that big.

________________________________________

Our setting is the Pacific, 10,000 years ago. Mother Nature (who provides narration!) and Father Time [??] have conducted a fairly inexplicable experiment. As we watch the inevitable parade of ‘Pacific Island’ stock travelogue footage—sandy shores, lots of parrots, a monitor lizard, a waterfall, etc.—Gia sets up our story:

"We tried a topsy-turvy experiment. At that time, in a village called Wongo, we made all the women beautiful, the men brutes." [Uh, how would "Father Time" have a hand in making a discrete set of people more or less attractive? What part would chronology play in this?]

"We put all the handsome men in the tribe of Goona. We made the Goona girls, well, not beautiful. It didn’t work." [What does that mean, ‘it didn’t work’? What was it supposed to do? From this statement I assume the deities involved sought a specific outcome, rather than just wishing to observe the result. What this could possibly have been, however, is beyond me. On the other hand, it certainly provides a venerable precedent for Joe Average.]

"Why?" [Uh, because after a couple of generations the children of each village started evincing a more equal mean of physical attractiveness between the respective beautiful/handsome genders and their unattractive opposites?]

"The Wild Women of Wongo!" [Hey! She said the title!]

Prologue out of the way, we watch an extremely muscular young man arrive on an island via a roughhewn boat. I guess it would be more accurate to say that he looks young. However, his hair has been spray painted gray, so apparently he’s supposed to be at least middle-aged. It’s Movie Magic at its finest. We eventually learn that this is the "King" of the Wongo tribe. I was a bit confused by this, as he’s pretty handsome. Apparently Mother Nature isn’t as reliable a source of plot details as one might think. Also, and this gets back to The Forbidden Dance, but I just don’t think primitive tribes with twenty or thirty inhabitants should have ‘kings.’

By the way, the King is never given a name. Since using his title as identification is cumbersome, I’ll call him Fred. Fred has come to consult with a witch or sorceress or some such thing, who lives at Florida’s Coral Castle. People with way too much time on their hands may recall this locale as also providing the lunar setting for Nude on the Moon. She takes Fred down into what functioned as a jail in Nude on the Moon, but here is where lives a big alligator that she calls "the Great Dragon," which apparently is the local god. Whatever. Anyway, apparently everything is jake in terms of let the "maidens of Wongo" find husbands. Relieved, Fred takes his leave. After surviving several encounters with stock footage beasties, he makes it back to his boat.

Cut to Wongo, where we meet, among other characters, a parrot who will provide *sigh* ‘comical’ commentary on the action. The maidens of this Pacific island are about what you’d suspect. In other words, they’re white, they sport nicely coiffed hairdos that represent the gamut of hair colors, have white even teeth and are extremely advanced for their time in terms of make-up. Their clothes are the standard skins and furs that cover about what a one-piece swimsuit would.

Exacerbating my confusion, nearly all the men in the village are ludicrously buff—apparently they’re regular users of Ye Olde Nautilus—and quite a few are quite handsome, including the villain of the piece. We also see three boys running around, they’re likely lads themselves. I guess there are a couple more attractive woman than attractive men, maybe, but not enough that you’d notice were it not for the opening narration. The woman are seen working, though, while the King snores away, so maybe the men are merely supposed to be crude, lazy jerks. However, that’s like pretty much every culture ever, so I’m not sure then what ‘experiment’ Mother Nature was referring to.

After several minutes of watching the gals do their chores, we get the where the plot is going. King The King’s daughter, Omoo (you can never have too many Melville references in your Primitive Women movies), is a redhead in a leopard (!!!) skin minidress. She’s to be sold as a wife that very night to Ahcoe, who is your standard Arrogant Young Dickhead. It’s obvious that she doesn’t exactly relish the idea, although Ahcoe is hardly a gargoyle by anyone’s standards.

Soon another canoe comes into view. This stirs the excitement of all, most especially the maidens, as the occupant is a handsome stranger. Actually, he’s prettier than handsome. You could easily see him as a member of a boy band. And like most of the rest of the men in the film, he appears to have spent a lot of time working on his abs and gluts. He apparently comes in peace, as he bears a staff decorated with a severed dove’s wing. (Ick!)

He introduces himself as Engor, and brings a message for the elders of Wongo from his father, the King of Goona. The guy playing Engor is pretty hilariously awful, spitting out lines like "No—I—am—hungry" in the sort of measured, stentorian monotone that suggests a seven year-old imitating a robot. Omoo, glad for an opportunity for a closer look at His Dreaminess, hustles up some food and brings it over. The two exchange heated glances and it’s obviously going to be all Romeo and Juliet from here on out.

Engor’s father seeks Wongos’ help, as Goona is being raided by a group of "ape men." He suggests that it’s only a matter of time before the Ape Men attack Wongo as well, and believes that the villages should join forces to repel the invaders. However, Engor proves a less than able ambassador. He and Omoo just sit gawking at each other in silence for nearly a minute straight, which inspires a great deal of hostility among the Wongo Elders’ Council. (Apparently, membership in this august body is signified by having sections of your hair spray painted gray. This would explain why Fred, as their leader, has nearly all his hair so grayed-up.)

In any case, the Elders are obviously unmoved by Engory’s plea. They are complacent in the belief that they can handle any trouble that might come their way, assuming the Ape Men even exist. Ahcoe, meanwhile, is naturally angry at Omoo’s reaction to the stranger and treats their visitor with open derision. Following a brief discussion, the King announces that Engor will receive his answer in the morning. He is sent away to rest in the communal men’s hut.

The Council, who themselves at least live up to the advance billing and prove pretty lame specimens of manhood (except for their muscular King), express their annoyance at the women’s reactions to Engor’s pretty boy looks. Fearing that Goona is trying to trick the Wongo men into leaving the village so that the Wongo women might be easily taken, they elect to let Goona fend for itself. Moreover, they decide to kill Engor in the morning, as a warning to the women about seeking greener pastures.

Their fears prove justified when Fred returns to his hut and Omoo pleads for him to give her to Engor instead of Ahcoe. Fred is wroth at this. He threatens her with death should she raise the topic again, and confines her to their hut. Later, Ahcoe’s father comes to buy Omoo for his son. Omoo is horrified to hear them discuss their plans to murder Engor. Ahcoe is given the honor of slaying him at the Great Dragon Temple the next day.

That night, she sneaks out to warn Engor. Along the way she is apparently threatened by a stock footage alligator, who perhaps is even supposed to be in the same film she is. Luckily, Engor is already up. The Wongo men, being brutes and all, snore loudly. Seeing her lurking outside, he goes to join her. They exchange compliments about how attractive each other is, and you can see why Engor’s giving the Wongo men gas. Watching the Pretty People triumph over the Norms isn’t exactly the most inspiring of movie plots. In any case, they seal their mutual appreciation of each other’s hotness with a make-out session.

In the morning, we see the entire village of Wongo assembled for the trip to the Dragon God Temple. As is often the case, about 90% of the population is in their early twenties, balanced (sorta) by a few young teens and a handful of middle-aged folks. They are also more young chicks than young men, so they’ve got that going for them too. No wonder they want to bump Engor off. Fred and the Elders bring out a totem consisting of a stuffed gator tied to a crossbeam positioned atop a staff. They waste some time with ceremonial matters, since the filmmakers have an entire 72 minutes of running time to pad out.

For some reason Omoo and Engor didn’t just take off in the night. Instead, they hung around. Engor’s brilliant plan is instead to just tell Fred, "Well, it’s a long trip. Guess I’ll head out now." As he turns, Ahcoe makes to spear him in the back, but is mobbed by the womenfolk, who don’t wish their dreamy visitor to come to harm. None of the other men does anything, and Engor scampers away like a girl to his boat. (Seriously, couldn’t they have instructed him to run in a more manly fashion.) However, in the scuffle the tribal totem is knocked over. Needless to say, this is Bad Medicine. Hilarious, here the main theme from Plan Nine From Outer Space kicks in on the soundtrack and plays at some length. I can’t say that it’s particularly out of place.

The maidens are exiled for their sacrilege, and are not to return until one of them has died to appease the Dragon God. This seems sort of counterproductive, given that the Elders feared the women would leave the village. Meanwhile, Engor has returned to Goona, and reports to his father the King that no aid will come from Wongo. Goona’s king remains unnamed as well, so I’ll call him Marvin. We also see that the Goona women are much more homely than the Engor men. The men, for their part, are very excited to hear Engor’s tales of a village full of hot chicks. The Goona women look forlorn about this, but, I mean, they’re ugly, so it’s only what they deserve.

The women go to the island where the Temple is at, and Omoo receives a psychic call, or some damn thing, that they are to present themselves to the Priestess. They go and bring along spears, which would be considered a bit of a no-no in most cultures. Oh, wait, they took the spears, walked ten yards to the Temple door, and them left them outside. Uh…OK. (And where did they get the spears? Did the men provide them when they were booted out of Wongo?)

The Priestess, who sits in the same coral throne (ouch!) as the Queen used in Nude on the Moon, awaits them. Proving not much of an actress herself, the Priestess informs the maidens that the Dragon Dog is angry. Yeah, I think they got that part. Then the Priestess’ costume magically alters to a simply gooftastic alligator outfit, consisting of a one-piece bathing suit adorned with big fabric scales and a ‘gator headpiece.

This leads to the inevitable ceremonial dance. Anyone with even a scant knowledge of this genre knew they’d be one sooner or later. The girls get down on their knees and sway in a circle around her as she struts her stuff. It’s like a vision of where grossly sinful Solid Gold Dancers go in the afterlife, and frankly I kept waiting for "Shake Your Booty" or "Tough Enough" to start playing.

The Priestess finishes and prances back to her throne. There, via the magic of a really bad process shot, her normal outfit returns to her. Then she orders the rest of the girls to dance. The predictable non-dancing, stay-in-one-spot moves are seen; the head twirls, the torso undulations, the shaking of the shoulders, the raising and lowering of the arms. Shooting a dance sequence goes so much faster when you don’t bother with choreography. "Dance, Dance!" the Priestess screams, having apparently observed the Devil in Orgy of the Dead.

The next day, we see the women rising from their slumber. A number of them run over to the water—this being the same island where Fred saw about half a dozen ‘gators swimming around—unbutton (!) their outfits and head in. We don’t see anything, of course, but in the ‘50s implied nudity was hot. The girls get into a circle and giggle and splash each other, which is the proper etiquette for these sorts of situations. Just to make sure nobody slips, they’re in the water up to their necks.

Suddenly, an alligator enters the water. What a shock! Some underwater footage is shot in the startlingly clear waters of "Florida’s Silver Springs," as was indicated in the opening credits. The camera stays far away from the girls, for obvious reasons, and so does the alligator. Then a scream is heard and the ladies get out of the water pronto. The other women run to the water and Omoo jumps in and begins wrestling with the now clearly taxidermied reptile. This goes on for a while, and I can’t say I was completely amazed when Omoo emerges unscathed.

Some of the girls are unhappy with this, since her survival means they cannot yet go home. That night it’s the turn of Mona, Omoo’s best friend, to take her turn as a potential sacrifice. Omoo waits with her a while, and they discuss how dreamy the men of Goona must be. Blech. Eventually, Omoo returns to the hut. Later, Mona is assaulted by what I can only assume are meant to be Ape Men, although the only indication of this is that they wear greasy mullets. Well, OK, I guess that is enough.

Finally, she manages to let out a scream and the other women come to her aid. A really badly staged fight ensues, and the actors try extremely hard to make sure nobody is accidentally injured. This largely involves making sure their weapons only tap each other and never come into contact with anyone’s body. I’ve seen more savage battles on episodes of The Monkees. Eventually, though, the Ape Men are driven back to the water. One is eaten by a large gator and the other takes the fatal spear-under-the-armpit.

With the Ape Men obviously nearing Wongo, Omoo declares that they must return to the village and warn the men. She says this is cool, because the Ape Men eaten by the gator represent the necessary sacrifice to the Dragon God. (There’s always a loophole with these things.) They decide not to leave until morning, however.

When they reach Wongo, however, they find it deserted. After looking around a bit, Omoo begins to call out. She’s told to stop by those who fear she will draw the Ape Men, but she reminds them that she’s the King’s daughter. However, right about then they hear a groan. It’s Ahcoe’s dad, lying on the ground right out in the open about five yards from them (!!). Despite bearing no evident injury, he dies before they can tend to him.

Cut to a month later. Ahtee, the one who disputes everything Our Heroine does—there’s always a chick like that in these things, although they seldom see the end of the picture—causes more trouble. This occurs when she leaves watch as assigned by Omoo. "Ahtee has left her post!" shouts one Supporter of Omoo. Lady, nobody likes a tattletale. This leads to a catfight that is exactly as unconvincing, not to mention as nebulously blocked, as you’d expect it to be by now.

In a less than startling development, Omoo lands her boat on the shore after a minute or two of this. She breaks up the fight with her spear, and orders Ahtee to be seized. Of course, such rank insubordination calls for Ahtee’s death, and the others cry out for it. However, Omoo demurs, noting that Ahtee is right that staying here and waiting for the menfolk to return is not going to accomplish anything. She suggests—three guesses—heading south and searching for Goona.

Next we see that the surviving men, including Ahcoe, actually do return. It’s too late, however, and they too find the village deserted, whereupon they assume the Ape Men took the women. They then come to the same conclusion as the ladies did, that there is nothing to hold them any longer to Wongo. They too decide to seek a home in Goona, hoping that their spears against the Ape Men will buy them sanctuary.

Meanwhile, the Goona’s are taking part in a poorly-timed manhood ritual. This involves all the young males living in the forest for a month, sans weapons or supplies. Another rule is that they may speak to no woman. (Boy, is that an obvious plot device, or what?) Of course, nobody has any way of knowing that the men and women of Wongo are headed their way, but what about the Ape Men? Anyway. The prize is that they will be wed to the maidens of Goona. Comical music plays, because they have to, you know, marry ugly chicks. And ‘marry’ is code for ‘do it with.’ You know, I don’t want to be pedantic or anything. Still, if these were the only sort of women they ever knew, wouldn’t different standards of beauty have evolved?

Meanwhile, the women of Wongo come across the women of Goona. The Goons, obviously seeing where this is going, try to get rid of their would-be rivals. And really, who can blame them? Imagine a version of Revenge of the Nerds where the film ends with a bunch of jocks showing up and stealing all the nerd’s hot girlfriends. That might be more realistic, but…well, more realistic except for the part about the nerds having hot girlfriends to start with. Anyway.

The Wongo women shift their spears around, and the Goona gals interpret this as a hostile action and run off in a ‘comically’ cowardly fashion. Ho ho. Meanwhile, the Wongo men have arrived in the general vicinity as well. As a tuba is heard—by general acclimation, the wackiest of all musical instruments—the nearby fleeing Goona women collapse in exhaustion. And thank goodness, because one of them is tremendously obese, and watching about eighty different parts of her jiggle independently is a sight more than a little unbecoming to the eye. Meanwhile, another of the group, a painfully thin woman who must stand a good six and a half feet tall, offers to looks around a bit. (Gee, I wonder where this is going?)

Sure enough, we now get a wide shot of a tree. On one side is the tall woman, on the other the shortest of the Wongo men, a real runt. Presumably their divergent statures will lead to increased hilarity once they happen upon each other. Hmm, guess not. Even so, after the moment is stretched well beyond any the limit of viewer endurance, they finally back into each other, slowly turn around…
My expectations, needless to say, involved the two simultaneously screaming upon seeing the other and then running off in opposite directions. I’ll admit to being fooled, though. Instead, we get an equally mirthless climax where the two evince an instant attraction. See, it’s funny because, you know, she’s really tall and he’s all puny and stuff. Man, that’s some Grade-A merriment, there. By the way, the woman is actually quite pretty. I guess her atypical height was enough for the casting director to consign her to the Goona contingent. That seems an inordinately rigid standard of female attractiveness, if you ask me.

Meanwhile, in an admittedly surprising bit of turnaround, some of the Wongo women stumble across Engor and one of his comrades taking a naked swim in a lagoon. (There’s no nudity, of course, but we get a shot of their loincloths lying on the shore.) If I were a college student I’d no doubt start blathering on about gender bending and the transgression of oppressive Eisenhower-era sexual norms. Indeed, one women stares intently at the men while holding her spear in the, er, locked and upright position, an image that in itself might inspire any number of wannabe Camille Paglia dissertations. Any such rapturous musings are dashed, however, when Omoo suggests "Come out and we’ll cook you a meal." Ah. The Patriarchy, is seems, is not so easily subverted.

Reminded by his comrade that they are not to speak to women, Engor explains the manhood ceremony and then orders them to leave. The Wongoettes are having none of it, though. After receiving confirmation that all the young men of Goona are scattered in the woods, sans weapons, the women decide to take the men captive. A couple of tosses of their vine lassos accomplished the task. Engor sputters about how they better watch out, being mere chicks and all, but the women remain unimpressed by his bluster.

Meanwhile, a friend of Engor’s watches the above with amusement. When the women and the prisoners approach his position, he shimmies up a tree. Eventually, though, his entertainment is ruined when he’s startled by a snake (one he should have seen several minutes earlier) and falls to the ground. He lands right in front of the Wongoettes, and in such a way that he ends up placing his wrists together behind his back, thus making him easy to bind. At first he’s annoyed by his plight as well, but quickly changes his mind when he observes at close quarters his foxy captors.

With their initial efforts reaping such felicitous success, the Wongoettes carry on. Soon their ploys become somewhat more sophisticated, as when one of their number lies in a clearing as bait. As the viewer is assaulted by further music meant to confirm the scene’s bountiful hilarity, two men see the women and approach her. At this, the others rush from concealment with a net (?!) and add the pair to their growing pool of prisoners. One of the men is subdued with a blow to the head,  a tactic that seems antithetical to the Wongoettes long-term plans. Meanwhile, we again cut to the parrot, who cackles, "Hit him again! Hit him again!" Ah, what mirth and merriment this feathered funnyman has provided us.

In any case, further such shenanigans ensue. By now we’ve come to understand why Goona sought Wongo’s help against the Ape Men. Frankly, all their glistening muscle aside, as warriors they suck. I’m not saying eight or ten fit, hundred pound women couldn’t perhaps subdue pairs of brawny, 190 pound he-men. Yeesh, though, you’d think the latter could at least get in the occasional punch or something. Also, since nearly all the women seem to be involved in the raids, we have to wonder who’s guarding the men they’ve already captured.

This question becomes more pertinent when we see the entire tribe’s population of young men sitting docilely in the Wongoette’s camp. Sure, their hands are bound, but you’d think a little effort might be expended. Instead, they just bitch about the women’s culinary efforts, which pale in comparison to those of the Goona women. Yep, it’s the old gag about how ugly chicks inevitably prove to be better cooks. Meanwhile, the men promise retaliation whenever their lazy asses are released. "The four days [!!] I’ve spent tied up," one cautions, "will take a long time getting over." Four days!! Cripes, what a bunch of pansies.

Eventually, the Wongoettes declare their intention to bring their detainees to the Dragon God Temple. (Hopefully their deity will advise them to stick with men who spend less time working on their tans and pomading their hair.) "It’s a five day march," Omoo explains. Uhm, so the two villages were that close to each other—and given the pace with which the group ‘marches,’ I’d say Goona and Wongo must be about ten or fifteen miles apart, tops—yet their people had never come into contact before? See, this bovine lack of adventurousness is why you end up with your Teenage Cavemen and Jonny Goodboy Tylers.

About ten seconds later the group stands outside the coral gateway of the Temple. It opens, and the woman lead their yet secured captives inside to stand before the Dragon God Priestess, who is found sitting upon her corral throne. (Would you sit in a carved corral chair, much less whilst clad in a bikini bathing suit? I ask you.) They introduce the men as their prospective mates, whereupon the Dragon God Priestess inquires why then they are bound like slaves. I guess as a Priestess she doesn’t really get the idea of marriage.

In any case, she commands that the men be freed of their flimsy shackles. Then the Priestess has a vision of armed men approaching the Temple. Hearing this, the Goona Men grabs the ladies’ spears and surround the entrance. Seconds later, the Wongo Men make their entrance. They have brought the Goona Gals, for the same reason that the Wongo Women brought the Goona Guys. More pedantically comical music is heard as the group enters, since the idea of less than physically perfect people falling for one another is apparently intrinsically whimsical.

And that’s our happy ending. The ‘ugly’ people end up with their own kind, and the Goona Men, for all their promises of revenge once they were freed, quickly accept the Wongo Women as their own. I was planning to end with a joke about Mother Nature capping the movie by explaining that this was how the Eloi and the Morlocks came into being. However, Omoo and Engor and the rest of the beautiful people ultimately proved so entirely lame and shallow that I think their ‘ugly’ counterparts came out of the deal well ahead.

• The cast boasts an "Adrienne Bourbeau"… Nah.
• Hmm, that setting seems familiar…. Hey, isn’t that Gilligan’s Island?
• I considered trying to trick the narrator by serving her margarine on her bagel, but thought better of it.
• Coincidentally, I think Wongo and Goona are to be the tribal names in the next edition of Survivor.
• I’ve got to bone up on my history. I didn’t even know that they had novelty rubber alligators in the Pacific ten thousand years ago.
• King Fred! Watch out! Stock Footage!
• King Fred! Watch out! More Stock Footage!
• King Fred! Watch out! It’s Even More…wait a minute! Dude, that’s stock footage of some parrots! Get a grip, man. Yeesh, and you’re the king?!
• So women in ancient Polynesian tribes were white, and stayed ‘maidens’ until their early twenties? Who knew? And how come they all seem to be of an age? There’s one older women, but except for her all the chicks of Wongo seem to within a year or two of each other.
• It’s strange how clumsy the women seem at their chores, since they’re presumably been performing them all their lives.
• We can tell the men of Goona are more comely, because, assuming Engor is a representative member of the tribe, they use scads of Brylcreem in their hear. They probably exfoliate as well.
• Egad, that head Goona woman looks like Rosanne. Yep, they’re hideous, all right.
• You know, in the end, the Wild Women of Wongo weren’t really all that wild.

Fans of this sort of thing will be glad to learn that it’s available on DVD from the essential Something Weird Video company, on a triple bill with Bowanga Bowanga (already reviewed here under its alternate title of Wild Women) and Virgin Sacrifice, starring David "The Mighty Jungle" DaLie.

Summary: Harmless but at best mildly diverting Prehistoric Women fare.

-by Ken Begg