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dconner
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
104 Posts |
 Posted - 04/03/2008 : 09:56:37 AM
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Joe Queenan, in what's ostensibly a review of "The Hottie and the Nottie," provides what's actually a coherent framework for determining "the worst movies of all time."
I particularly like this point:
There is one other requirement for a movie to be considered one of the worst ever: it must keep getting worse. By this, I mean that it not only must keep getting worse while you are watching it, but it must, upon subsequent viewings, seem even worse than the last time you saw it.
http://film.guardian.co.uk/features/featurepages/0,,2267064,00.html |
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Capt. Nemo
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
630 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 11:51:47 AM
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I refer this matter to the pope(i.e. Ken). He's braved harsher and more soul destroying stuff than I. And has a virtual encyclopedic memory for obscure fare, that could put The Hottie and the Nottie to shame.
That said, I will say it has met one requirement for Bad Movie Cannonization. It's a vanity project. Paris is one of the executive producers.
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"Ward, the Beaver blew up the 7-11 again."
"I'll have a talk with him Dear" |
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Neville
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Spain
1590 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 11:54:23 AM
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| LOL... That's a great article, had a ball with it. It's so good I enjoyed it despite thinking the director's cut of Heaven's Gate is not by any means the worst movie ever made. |
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Capt. Nemo
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
630 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 11:57:44 AM
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One othe thing...
I would never be so bold as to argue that a 39-year-old film about an arrant porcophile is the worst movie ever made, not only because so few people have seen it but because there may be several other movies about men who rapturously lie down with comely sows that are actually worse than Futz. Though I kind of doubt it.
This guy has never scene a Muppet movie, has he?
________________________________________________________________________
"Ward, the Beaver blew up the 7-11 again."
"I'll have a talk with him Dear" |
Edited by - Capt. Nemo on 04/03/2008 11:58:22 AM |
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dconner
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
104 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 12:06:31 PM
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I do like the fact that he squarely faces an issue that has always plagued the dedicated Jabootuite: namely, that there are implicit "weight classes" involved in the Bad Movie Taxonomy.
Manos: Hands of Fate and, say, The Swarm are both unquestionably terrible movies, but when it comes to declaring one of them worse than the other, there are obviously problems. The playing field between an El Paso fertilizer salesman's shoestring production and a big-budget would-be blockbuster with lots of recognizable stars is obviously not level.
And on the other side, there are some who simply seem to judge the "worst" by how much money the movie lost. But *some* of the biggest box-office flops are not actually bad movies.
Still, all these are factors, and Queenan applies a lifetime of Jabootu-inspired moviewatching to construct a framework where these factors are all considered.
To be sure, many Jabootuites would weight the factors differently, but it's an admirable approach, and a rare instance of Applied Jabootuology in the mainstream media. |
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dconner
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
104 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 12:08:20 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by Capt. Nemo
One othe thing...
I would never be so bold as to argue that a 39-year-old film about an arrant porcophile is the worst movie ever made, not only because so few people have seen it but because there may be several other movies about men who rapturously lie down with comely sows that are actually worse than Futz. Though I kind of doubt it.
This guy has never scene a Muppet movie, has he?
I would think the mere presence of Miss Piggy in a movie would, per se, make it better than Futz. (Anybody seen that one? I've heard of it before, and it certainly sounds terrible....) |
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zombiewhacker
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1475 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 4:10:44 PM
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I have seen Futz. Once I even owned it on VHS. A legit copy mind you, not a bootleg. So trust me on this:
It is one of the worst movies ever made.
Bar none. Absolutely excruciating.
There is no plot. There are no characters. It amounts to little more than 90 minutes of performance art. You don't even understand what the actors are saying. I don't mean the sound quality is bad. The sound is crystal clear. I mean you just can't make heads or tails of what anyone means. It's all purple-prose/double-talk. Ever read a movie review where the reviewer is so busy trying to show off how cute and clever he is that you can't figure out whether he actually liked the movie or not? That's what sitting through Futz is like... minus the cute and the clever.
Ken should show this at a Jabootu-fest. There would be massive walkouts. Last person to stay in the theater until the end of the movie should receive a prize. |
Edited by - zombiewhacker on 04/03/2008 4:17:00 PM |
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Sardu
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1126 Posts |
Posted - 04/03/2008 : 5:38:36 PM
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Queenan himself directed a movie that would likely qualify were it not for those clauses that the movies had to be big and well known. I wonder if that's why he made those conditions... Anyway, it's never going to get a release so we'll probably never know just how bad his own crime against cinema is... *g*
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114747/
"Meeting you makes me want to be a real noodle cook"
--Tampopo |
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nshumate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
464 Posts |
Posted - 04/04/2008 : 07:11:08 AM
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He did write a book about making it, though, which is quite amusing (and, indeed, worth making the movie for, even if it's never seen by another human being): The Unkindest Cut: How A Hatchetman Critic Made His Own $7,000 Movie And Put It All An His Credit Card. Recommended.
Also, here's the money quote for Ken, me, and the rest of those with this particular affliction:
quote:
To be honest, that is the reason I became a critic in the first place; criticism seemed to be a way to channel my unwholesome fascination with train wrecks and fires into a socially acceptable framework. The truth is, every time I go to the pictures, I get goose bumps all over, anticipating that this, after all these years, could be the worst movie ever made.
Nathan Shumate
http://www.coldfusionvideo.com |
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twitterpate
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Canada
1026 Posts |
Posted - 04/05/2008 : 3:15:10 PM
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This review does have some great lines. I'm partial to this one:
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Madonna's Swept Away ... seems more amateurish on each viewing, like a morass that starts out as a quagmire, then morphs into a cesspool and finally turns into a slime pit on the road to its ultimate destination in the bowels of Hell.
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