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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
 Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:26:02 PM
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Monsters, Murderous Motorcars and Millipedes--A Report from T-Fest ‘07
Part I: The Arrival
(((DISCLAIMER: I apologize in advance if I misremember any details, or if I forget someone’s name. I’m terrible with names. I’m deeply impressed with myself that I remember three or four names as it is...not counting the more famous names that we all know and love. OK, on with the report!)))
As many of you no doubt know, the recent yearly event known as Tyrannosaurus Fest (at least, according to my nifty flier), or “T-Fest” for short, was held this past Saturday deep in the assh....er, heart of Texas, aka Dallas.
(Before I get going, I should mention that this part will contain a bit of personal history and other pre-fest details. Feel free to skip to the next part for the good stuff.)
In the past, I’ve wanted dearly to make it to one of the premiere events of bad moviedom–namely, B-Fest and the New Orleans Worst Film Festival (NOWFF). Living in the Midwest, the Windy City was quite a bit closer than The Big Easy, so I figured B-Fest would be my best bet. However, it always seemed like something or other would conspire against my attending...wouldn’t be able to afford it due to car repairs, weather too bad to make the trip, it would sell out, I’d forget, what have you.
A couple of years ago I moved to Texas. Now NOWFF was suddenly much closer, and was just another reason to add to the list of Reasons to Finally Make a Trip To Nawlins.
Naturally, it stopped being held that same year. And now it’ll probably be a while before I can go to New Orleans for any reason, and even then, it won’t be quite the same place...
Damn, what a depressing start! I need to pick this up a bit...
Well, earlier this year I found out that another festival had recently started in Texas, as sort of a way to fill in the gap left by NOWFF. And, wonder of wonders, it was being held right in the city I was living in. Sure, I’d missed the first couple, but to be fair, I wasn’t in the loop, so to speak, so I can’t really fault anyone for that.
Not that I haven’t tried.
Anyway, a bad movie fest, right here in Dallas. First the AFI brings their International Film Festival here (I got to see a doc called Sharkwater during it...if you’re feeling too much joy, or too much respect for humanity, give it a go when it comes out this fall), and now this! And it’s so close! Damn, there’s no way I should miss THIS one!
Then I lost my job two days before, and between the loss of income and the depression it looked like I was indeed going to miss this one. *insert violins*
(I know, it’s getting depressing again. Don’t worry, the emo crap will end now.)
Happily, it was a free event. I also knew I needed something to take my mind off of things for a while, so Saturday morning I woke early and prepared myself–-packing a large lunch to munch on during the day, making myself presentable, and kissing my loved ones goodbye.
Now, I know a lot of my predecessors, in reports on various bad movie festivals, often start off with a descriptive account of their travels to the city hosting the event, and their interactions with their hosts and friends before the event.
Well, on both counts I come up short. It was a twenty-minute drive, and having never met any of the attendees in person before I wasn’t exactly going to be hanging out with them beforehand, so I guess we’ll skip to my actually getting there.
I pulled up and proceeded to wander the first floor, looking for someone to lead the way, or at least a phone (I’m one of the last five non-Amish people to not currently own a cell.) After a few minutes, I went up to the floor it was being held on, figuring I’d bump into someone. No dice...nothing but locked doors and a hallway that felt like a cross between something from The Andromeda Strain and “Star Tours” at Disneyland. So, back downstairs I went.
I had seen an older man standing around outside when I came in, but he didn’t bother speaking to me, much less looking at me, so I kind of figured he wasn’t there for the show. Still, he was the only person I’d seen, and maybe he had a phone. I went outside and stood near him, working up the courage to accost him. That’s when another car pulled up, and out stepped a thin young man with glasses.
You know how birds can always find their mates, even in the middle of a huge flock?
Well, it wasn’t exactly like that, but I was pretty certain I’d found another T-Fester. Just a vibe I got, you know?
Sure enough, he approached us and asked if we were here for the event. The other guy looked at him askance and then ignored him. I raised my hand, and we introduced ourselves. His name was Chris (one of three (!) in attendance, along with two Chads...it was remarked that we had all the “ch” names well covered) and he was a law student-–just passed the bar, in fact. We did a little walking around, and then he produced a cellphone. Yay! He had Mighty Ken Begg’s number, and we were told someone would fetch us.
A couple of minutes later, we decided that maybe we were supposed to meet them upstairs, so we split up; Chris waited in the lobby, and I once again rode up.
Remember how all that light came out of the Ark of the Covenant when it was opened despite Indy’s desperate pleas? That’s what awaited me when the elevator doors slid open. Except for the face melting, thankfully.
Striding toward the elevators were two men. One I recognized from a couple of blurry photos taken in the Pacific Northwest as none other than High Acolyte of Jabootu, Mr. Ken Begg. The other, I was informed, was Mr. Chris Holland, one of the two Stomp Tokyo guys, whose website had served as my gateway to the realm of bad movie review sites. Daring barely to breathe, I introduced myself, and was warmly welcomed by Ken. I was accorded the honor of shaking their hands. (I had thought about kneeling and kissing their rings, but it was after 10 and I was certain they wanted to get the show on the road, if they hadn’t already.) Ken went below to fetch Chris, while I was escorted to the viewing room.
I was given a warm greeing by the dozen or so people already seated, and introduced myself. Shockingly, two of them recognized my name from the Jabootu forums, and introduced themselves as Guy and Other Guy (OK, I’m joking...it was Guy and someone whose name unfortunately escapes me.)
As I finished, a scented wind, reminiscent of ozone and hurricanes (the drink, not the storm) wafted into the room. Silence fell upon all. The hairs on the back of my neck rose as one. Something awesome (and I mean that literally, not in a “totally awesome!” style) this way came.
I turned, and beheld the stern but benevolent countenance of Mr. Freeman Williams, known around these parts as Dr. Freex.
Now, I realize I’ve built that up quite a bit. I can’t help it. While Stomp Tokyo was my gateway, the Bad Movie Report was the first full-on bad movie site I visited, following one of their links. I fell in love almost immediately with the humor and writing style (I mean, “Rar! I’m a monsta?” That’s comedy GOLD), and was even more enamored when I found out he’d actually made a bad movie (one that holds a special place in my heart), and detailed it in a wonderful memoir on the site. (Plus, he digs Inframan and turned me onto The Seventh Curse.) It’s probably my favorite of them all, rivalled only by And You Call Yourself a Scientist! and Jabootu.
I had managed to contain my nerdish glee upon meeting Mssrs. Begg and Holland, but this was too much. I blurted something stupid about recognizing him from his website (which I’d also said to Mr. Begg) and eagerly shook his hand, saying how I felt like I’d met the Martin, Sinatra, and Davis Jr. of the bad movie world. (To be fair, it was half a Sinatra, since both Stompers weren’t there.) I’m sure he sensed me geeking out, but to his credit he was kind and acted like I was actually more important than some random schmuck he’d never met before, who was practically drooling on him.
After collecting myself, I settled into my customary seat in any theater...a bit back, and dead center. We were soon joined by Ken, Chris, a few stragglers, and a charming, riotous man who turned out to be Sandy Petersen (lucky for him, I didn’t bring him my Call of Cthulhu RPG books for him to sign.), our host for the evening, who provided the space and some delicious snacks and beverages. And as the lights dimmed, the festival began... |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 2:50:25 PM
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:33:54 PM
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Part II: Electric Boogaloo The First Four
I’ll briefly touch on the oddments and shorts that were played between movies. We had the classic Don Hertzfeldt animated short “Rejected” (which, as it always does, led to subsequent cries of “I am a banana!”, “My spoon is too big!”, and “My anus is bleeding!” during the following films), a few Dr. Tran shorts (I’ve seen them on G-4, and they’re online as well; they’re funny, check them out), and a couple of other random animated goodies. (No “Happy Tree Friends” though, sadly.)
All right, you’ve waited long enough...the movies we enjoyed (read: suffered through.)
Curse of Bigfoot
No pulling of punches here–-just right to the big guns. You’ve heard about it (or perhaps read the review at Braineater.com), you’ve seen the goofy-ass Bigfoot with the blatantly obvious eyehole....well, I lived it. At least it was the first movie, so everyone was fresh and ready to toss out comments at a rapid-fire pace. Mr. Petersen passed out spicy pork rinds and Mt. Dew for this movie. I have no idea why, but the day I turn down free spicy pork rinds and Mt. Dew is...well, it’s definitely not coming any time soon, that's for damn sure.
We start TWO MILLION YEARS AGO! Well, that’s what the narrator said, at least. After some travel footage, the rattiest, silliest Bigfoot you will ever see roars at and approaches the camera (and gives us a howlingly clear gander at the eyehole). Someone gets a bunch of ketchup spilled on their arm. Then it’s the present day. We get some footage of the Southwest (I thought Bigfoot lived in the Northwest?) A ridiculous-looking zombie stalks a backyard. A really cute black lab barks at it. The owner comes out, chides the dog, and then gives it a bowl of milk. We watch the dog drink the whole bowl. No exaggeration. Oh, they cut in a couple shots of the lady and the zombie, but it’s not fooling me–-we saw the whole milk-drinking sequence. The zombie finally lurches out and....well, we cut to a different scene, so for all I know, it just hugged her and went on its merry way. Turns out it was a student film, for an interesting-sounding class about mythological monsters (why wasn’t that class offered when I was in college?) I guess it being a student film is why it was so crappy. I don’t know what excuse the people who made the actual movie had.
Anyway, a special guest speaker shows up. He looks like Claire’s dad from Heroes, so I said so. I got some laughs. Yay me! He ran into Bigfoot once, and we get a flashback (or maybe footage he shot) where his partner apparently gets killed (this movie has a very weird dearth of onscreen violence.) He wants to go back and look for Bigfoot, and wants some help. So he, the teacher, and some college students (who don’t look a day over thirty) go on an archaeological dig/Bigfoot finding expedition.
They wander around a while, dig up a couple of things, and chat. The guys climb up a big rock, look around for a minute, and climb back down. We get to see all of this in excruciating detail. And all this because a good-sized rock almost hit someone. Stupid gravity, it’s your fault we’re having to watch all this rock climbing! Finally, they find a large stone slab. They pry it up, releasing some dry ice vapor. Down in the cave below the slab, they find some more relics, and eventually a mummy.
Wait...Bigfoot and his kin mummified their dead? Or did the cavemen do it?
And on a different note...mummies in the Southwestern U.S.? Is this where they got the idea for The Anasazi Mummy? Ye gods, I hope not...this movie should inspire nothing but crabbiness and boredom.
The mummy looks more like one of the people from Pompeii. Naturally the group is excited about this. They somehow (we conveniently don’t see how) get it out of the hole, and into the workshed of a nearby old house. One of the guys says he saw the hand move. No one believes him. Naturally, the mummy later gets up and starts wreaking havoc. Well, not really. One guy dies, and some lady gets kacked in her home, and the local sheriff gets slapped around, but that’s about it. They occasionally show the Bigfoot head, which looks nothing like the mummy, and is always the same five seconds of Bigfoot head footage. Finally they build a barricade from hay bales and prepare a can of gasoline. (Hay and gasoline in close proximity...yeah, they’re definitely products of a higher education.) Eventually they douse Mummyfoot and light him up like a Christmas tree. For a brief moment it actually looks like they had a stuntman or someone really trusting in the burning suit, but I’m not sure. And then it kind of peters out. The movie, not the fire.
Boring movie, but the comments came fast and furious, so the time flew. This movie led to three running comments..
1. A student in the class claims that the griffon was made up by Germans in the 1400s. So several things in subsequent films were said to have been “made up by Germans in the 1400s.”
2. They dig up a couple of sticks on their expedition, and the teacher proclaims them to be “prayer sticks”, even though they don’t look special in any way. This led to all sorts of random things being declared “prayer whatevers”...prayer rocks, prayer shirts, prayer bowls...you get the idea.
3. The teacher says the “prayer sticks” might “even be thousands of years old.” A few things in other films were also conventiently of that age.
Dumb and plodding and almost no action, but that suit was a howler of the highest order.
"Encounter with the Unknown"
This was an episode of a show along the lines of “In Search Of” and “Ripley’s Believe It or Not.” Supposedly it was based on true events.
A priest talks to a young man on his flight. The young man’s worried about what happened a couple of weeks back. It seems he and two of his buddies convinced a slightly slow friend of theirs that a hot chick wanted him at a certain house. Turns out it’s the house of an old woman, who nearly shoots him. As she gets over her fright and explains that there are no young women there, she does accidentally shoot him (she’s never heard of a safety? Or of at least taking your finger off the trigger when you’re not planning to use it?) At the funeral, the guy’s mom points at the trio and intones a strange curse, saying they’ll all be dead in subsequent weeks, one on land and two in the air. She mentions a hectagon too. I guess seven is her lucky number. Or maybe the dead guy's. So, a week later, one of the guys was hit by a car that literally came out of nowhere. That was seven days ago...
Naturally, the young man’s nervous about being in the air, but the priest reassures him...surely God wouldn’t kill 60 people just to get to him! The priest gets off at his stop, and sure enough, the plane crashes while taking off. Despite the size of the offscreen explosion, none of the people on the tarmac show burns (how they all got out is left unexplained.) The priest finds the young man just in time to watch him die. Looks like you were wrong about God, Father!
The priest desperately tries to find the third guy, and finally does about a week later, leading to the one effective moment of the show. He calls, and the guy’s roommate answers. The priest is relieved that he’s found the place, but the roomie informs him that’s he not home.
He’s gone skydiving.
Not a bad show, but the acting was pretty rank.
Passion in the Sun, aka The Girl and the Geek
Mr. Petersen was pretty pleased with himself as he prepared to inflict this on the unsuspecting crowd. Well, mostly unsuspecting...I’d seen it (it’s on the Something Weird DVD for Godmonster of Indian Flats, a purchase I still regret to this day.) He was surprised someone else had seen it, but realized how many other poor saps were going to be caught unawares, and went ahead.
It’s not long, maybe 30-40 minutes, but it’s pure pain. A geek escapes his cage at the carnival. Two guys kidnap a stripper. Her boss frets. Other strippers dance. One kidnapper shoots the other over the MacGuffin briefcase they have. The stripper gets away, leaving her dress behind in the kidnapper’s hand. He chases her around Big Bend for twenty or so minutes, occasionally falling far enough behind that she can skinny dip and skinny sunbathe(!!) More strippers dance back at the strip joint as the boss continues to fret. Two cops try to save the stripper. The geek finally shows up again and kills the kidnapper. The stripper drives back to the carnival with the geek in the back of the pickup she conveniently found, with the keys in the ignition and some spare clothes that fit her. The geek kills the hideous lady that owns the carnival and chases the stripper around the carnival. She hides in the Wild Mouse, and the geek turns it on. The geek gets on the track and gets hisself kacked. The cops arrive to comfort the stripper. The next day, the cops come watch all the strippers do a dance. The end.
You wouldn’t think nudity could get boring, but it can. No full frontal, but lots of breasts and butts. It’s kind of nice to see women that aren’t surgically enhanced and doll-perfect (one stripper was actually very cute, and another was a genuinely talented dancer...she was doing crazy spins on heels and not even wavering), but you don’t necessarily want to watch said women jiggle around for minutes on end, you know? The geek was the only truly amusing part–-the guy playing him looked to be having fun. Unintentionally amusing was the fact that Dr. Freex and a couple of others recognized the environs as Houston, and that the kidnappers drive away with the stripper in a convertible...and the guy in the back fights the woman the whole time they’re driving, past many other cars, yet no one stops to help or anything...and she somehow keeps fighting despite repeated (fake as hell) blows. The car ride must’ve been thirty minutes, and only at the end when they pull into a little hidden clearing does he finally plant her with a right cross to the jaw. (Although she’s up again in about 30 seconds.) And, of course, her stopping in the middle of her terrified flight from the murderous kidnapper to skinny dip and sunbathe (I’ll bet she got chiggers and ticks by the truckload) was a riot.
I got my best laughs of the night with a Rocky IV reference (“She is like a piece of iron!” as she repeatedly took blows without showing any ill effects during the kidnapping.)
Funky Forest–First Contact
Sweet Mother of God....
This movie nearly caused a lynch mob. However, no one would give up the identity of whoever brought this monstrosity, so bloodshed was reluctantly averted.
This movie is from Japan. I’m usually down with Japan, but not now. It’s an anthology of mostly unrelated vignettes. Most of them are boring, confusing, disgusting, or any combination of those three.
And the whole thing’s 160 minutes. Although it felt more like 160 hours.
There’s no point in trying to describe it all, and my brain gets angry when I try to think about it too hard. Suffice to say, a lot of random crap happens, it makes almost no sense, and it HURTS.
This was a group of people who have dedicated their lives to enjoy bad movies. These are not novices. These are professionals.
This movie left them shrieking and moaning in agony. The comments died off as it became obvious that nothing could save us from the hellish thing unleashed upon us. It knocked the fight out of all present-–none of the following movies were nearly as full of commentary from the crowd as the first couple had been. Even the moviemakers knew what they were doing...there are two intermissions, although one’s only 30 seconds or so. During the longer one, it was decided that three minutes was not NEARLY enough, and the movie was paused so we could catch our breaths. Several people left during various times, returning only when it was all done. I stupidly sat through it all. More fool me.
The only bright spots were the adorable Asian girls present in the movie (three start a pillow fight–-oddly, less than three minutes after I begged for one-–and another one shows us her well-maintained abs for a bit, thankyouverymuch), the dancing ability of a guy at a singles’ picnic, and the “Home Room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” segments, which were actually fairly amusing. Oh yeah, I also made a comment about something looking like a Tool video from Japan, and was gratified that someone (I think none other than Chris Magyar) actually got it and was amused by it. That’s about nine minutes of relative joy. The other 151 days...er, minutes were about as close to hell as I’ve ever come. People told boring stories, a scary man with big glasses and a bowl haircut yelled and danced around in a “comedic” fashion, weird dream sequences went on and on, the pillow fight was broken up after ten seconds by three old women, and I saw a TV’s asshole.
You read that right. A TV’S ASSHOLE. Which someone proceeded to pull a two-foot-tall sushi chef from.
I have a new personal worst. The Crawlers, Hobgoblins, Boggy Creek II, Ichi the Killer, Tetsuo the Iron Man...they are as kittens before the rampaging Siberian Tiger that is Funky Forest. Any movie that makes less sense than Tetsuo or Ichi is to be avoided at all costs.
Somewhere, the person that brought this movie is probably still enjoying our pain like sweet sweet candy.
I wish nothing but pure misery upon that person. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:02:11 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:34:56 PM
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Part III: Intermezzo
We broke for dinner after this, naturally. Most of us, on the advice of Mr. Petersen, went to Buca di Beppo, an Italian chain down South. I tend to avoid chain restaurants, so I’d never been. It serves the food family style, which was actually very convenient. We got some salad, a few various pasta dishes (I even got the shrimp and scallops on orzo that I wanted, and which was very popular–we had to get another order), and a pizza for Ken and the less adventurous among us. The pizza looked pretty good, but was gone before I could snag a piece. Couldn’t have been too bad, though...Ken’s from Chicago, land of delicious pizzas the size and thickness of tires, and had no complaints. All the food was fine. I may have to take the girls sometime.
I got to chat with Mr. Petersen and a couple of his sons (one of whom brought his girlfriend–what a cute couple they are, and very into each other...I would have normally mimed puking around them, but I’m in a good place, so I didn’t), as well as Lawyer Chris and a very nice couple named Kirk (don’t call him Captain!) and Patty (Patti?) She had an adorable accent (she’s from Rhode Island; I’m glad she said so before I could ask her to park the car in Harvard Yard) and both were a lot of fun to talk to. Mr. Petersen and I tried very hard to convince them to track down Wild Zero. (I also urge anyone reading this to do so as well.) A very good time.
Dr. Freex and a couple of others went somewhere else, and showed up later back at the festival. I don’t know where they went, but since they missed the next movie, I’m glad I wasn’t with them. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:03:29 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:38:36 PM
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Part IV: In Space Back to the Future Movies
Cleopatra Jones
The seminal blaxplotation flick, featuring Tamara Dobson as the very tall and leggy Cleopatra. She’s a special agent, determined to bring down Mommy (Shelley Winters!) and her goons. We start with Jones orchestrating a fire-bombing run on a poppy field in Turkey. In a rage, Mommy swears vengeance. (Here we get the first of several scenes that reveal Mommy as a lesbian. I have no idea why they did this, unless it was to get a couple more good-looking young women on the screen.) She has a dirty cop plant drugs on a guy at a drug halfway house, run by Jones’ lover (Bernie Casey!) The sergeant leading the raid, although a good guy, has to do his duty, and says the place will be closed in 72 hours. Sure enough, this brings Jones back to America ASAP, where she proceeds to lay waste to all who dare get in her way. (Dobson’s not a great fighter, but she moves well, and between her long legs and those giant platform shoes, her kicks look credibly dangerous.) One of the goons proves to be a crappy sniper, only wounding her man. This is probably the best scene in the movie, as Jones gets to her car (a tricked out ‘73 Corvette Stingray that made even a non-gearhead like me drool) and flips down a panel in her passenger-side door to reveal an arsenal fit for a whole platoon! She of course ends up killing the sniper and his accomplice. She decides she needs some help, and finds two old friends, a pair of brothers who also know hapkido and aren’t afraid to use it. Meanwhile, Doodlebug (yes, Doodlebug...and yes, he IS played by Antonio “Huggy Bear” Vargas), a drug dealer working for Mommy, decides this is the perfect time to strike out on his own, along with his boys Fireplug and Pickle (seriously, what the hell’s up with these names?!) Mommy naturally has him whacked, although props for the method of execution...she has big old tow trucks repeatedly smash up his limo. He survives, but then Mommy’s goons finally do something right and gun him down. Too bad they let his girlfriend get away. Jones finds her first, of course, but they’re captured. At a local junkyard, Mommy shows them how they’re to die, with one of her unwitting goons showing them firsthand (don’t let Mommy down!) They’re to be put in a car and dumped into a big shredder, which renders the first car into pieces of scrap. Damn! That’ll leave a mark! But the brothers and the guys from the halfway house come to the rescue, Mommy falls to her (apparent) death, the good guys win, and Jones is off to her next mission.
Maybe it was just because of what came before, but I found this to be a pretty fun movie. Not great, or maybe even good, but fun. Dobson’s a hot number, and credibly cool and methodical as an agent. The plot moves briskly, never really bogging down too badly before giving Dobson another chance to kick ass. The outfits, though...Dobson’s in particular are eye-searing and outrageous. A welcome bit of fluff.
Mask of Fu Manchu
Dr. Fu Manchu (Boris Karloff) tries to raise a new Mongol horde by pretending to be the second coming of Genghis Khan. Some Englishmen (and a pretty blonde Englishwoman) try to stop him.
The details of the movie are well-documented in Ms. Kingsley’s review over at AYCYAS! Go there for more information. This thing’s getting long as it is...
It’s all right...a fair bit of fun, but not really good, I don’t think. The protagonists are pretty stuffy and uninteresting, so it skews things a bit. Plus, Karloff’s always good, Manchu loves Bondian death traps (as do I), and Myrna Loy played his lovely, kinky daughter (she’s into the S&M, she is, emphasis on the M), so there’s a few more points for the bad guy. His plan’s pretty farfetched (if he has the sword and mask of Khan he can raise an army to conquer the world and destroy the white race) but that’s part of the charm.
There is a nifty scene with one of the good guys escaping a pit of alligators; I don’t know if it was the actor himself, or a stuntman, but SOMEONE went dashing across the heads and backs of those very much alive alligators (leading me to quip, “No wonder he wears jodphurs...he can’t fit his huge balls into regular pants!”) A fun bit of nonsense that went by quickly and didn’t leave a bad taste in my mouth. I’d probably watch it again.
Blood Car
The newest movie by far (2006), this one features a near future (a couple of weeks, or so the guy introducing the film would have us believe) where gas prices are ridiculous (I mean more so...we’re talking $32 a gallon!) This means no one drives unless they’re stupid rich. There are huge car graveyards. Kids still go there to get it on in the back seats though. (One couple in particular is shown doing this throughout the movie.) A young hippie vegetarian is trying to develop an engine that runs on wheatgrass juice. He regularly buys the stuff from a small vegan stand run by an adorable girl with glasses who’s obviously hot for him (along with the obvious mooning, she’s seen drawing a picture of her...umm...being VERY friendly with him, and thinking about how a certain...err...secretion...tastes like tofu.)
Look, I’m just reporting this, all right?
He’s oblivious, which seems unlikely since even _I_ would’ve noticed, and I’m not known for picking up on signals from the opposite sex too quickly. There’s a stand sitting several feet away that advertises “Meat.” The slutty proprietor makes intimations that she’d like him to give her some meat, or that maybe he wants some of hers, but again, he doesn’t seem to really notice. (And again, I don’t buy it.) So, off he goes with his wheatgrass.
He can get the engine in his little apartment to run for a few moments, but no more. In frustration, he slams his hand down and badly cuts himself. Some blood gets into the fishbowl holding the wheatgrass. Sure enough, the engine starts running.
He goes for a drive, but quickly realizes that he needs more blood than he can safely provide. He REALLY wants the car to work though; the slutty meat girl is totally hot for him now that he has a car, and she’s not the type to make a guy wait a few dates before letting him have her.
So, the vegetarian is forced to hunt for blood. He goes around the neighborhood with a popgun, killing squirrels, birds, dogs and cats (a darkly humorous scene features him weeping and repeatedly shooting a dog with the popgun, eliciting yips but not apparently doing much damage. It goes on for a while, and we’re left to assume he either finally manages to shoot it to death, or simply beats it with the gun stock, as we see him doing to a [thankfully offscreen] cat.) He rigs up the trunk with a huge propellor for grinding bodies and a holding tank leading to the engine, and dumps the animals into it.
All this tossing aside of ethics is for naught...it needs human blood. And apparently, the wheatgrass has nothing to do with it working...it needs pure blood. Lucky for him, his old neighbor lady dies on her porch. With a full tank, he gets a proper date (and some crazy freaky monkey sex) from the meat girl. Alas, poor wheatgrass girl! But his good times won’t last forever...the tank will eventually run dry, and there aren’t that many old people in the neighborhood. Also, the government’s found out about him (with their amazing array of hidden cameras) and they want the car for themselves...
I don’t want to spoil the ending, because it gets pretty insane, and it’s actually a fun movie all around. The acting’s mostly competent, the story’s interesting and fast-paced enough to never bore, and there are some wicked flashes of black humour (one of my favorites is when the guy dumps a homeless vet into the trunk; he has three artificial limbs, and as I predicted, he doesn’t provide a full tank) and some great over-the-top, though not particularly realistic, gore (think Monty Python’s “Salad Days” sketch.) I don’t know who the minds behind this flick are, but I’d be interested to see what they come up with next.
This movie is bonus fun for conservatives, as it gives them plently of excuses to mock environmentalism, hippies, and Al Gore. I’m basing this on actual experience; your mileage may vary. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:10:23 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:39:08 PM
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Part V: A Strange Interlude
Sometime around here, between movies, some of us were in the break room of the building, chatting. One of the few women there revealed that she raised millipedes, and produced a small terrarium with four large millipedes in it. She playfully asked if anyone wanted to hold one. I was first in line.
It was really cool–-it felt like someone lightly dragging a comb, or perhaps a toothbrush, along my palm. My girl (she was female, according to the woman–-again, can’t remember the name, sorry) explored my hand pretty thoroughly, antennae twitching. I admit to being slightly nervous that she’d decide I might taste good, but she didn’t. She didn’t really want to get off my hand though. Eventually I coaxed her onto the counter, where she was scooped up by the woman who brought them.
Kirk and Patty were asked, but declined. Not big on creepy crawlies, those two. This led to a fun discussion amongst us concerning run-ins with critters (their relative squeamishness shone through here–-most of theirs were about jumping spiders, which are mostly harmless and damn cute besides, while mine featured scorpions, a brown recluse, a copperhead...stupid Texas, full of dangerous animals mutter grumble mutter...and centipedes. Kirk had a good one about a black widow though, which was better than most of mine, but did not top my scorpion story for sheer “Oh CRAP!!” factor.)
A very interesting experience, and one I never would’ve thought would occur at a bad movie festival. Thank you, Millipede Mama! |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:12:22 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:41:35 PM
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Part VI: The Final Hours
Kid with the Golden Arm
Kung fu fun! A band of criminals want to steal some gold. The good guys want to stop them. And there’s a drunk hanging around causing trouble for the bad guys. Plus, there’s a traitor with his own agenda...
Plot’s incidental in a movie like this–-we’re here for kung fu fighting, and we get plenty. I had a good time with this, but I’m a big kung fu flick fan. People not down with these types of movies aren’t going to enjoy it, but those who do are going to have a blast.
This is the only movie I didn’t need to be told who brought it–it was obviously a Dr. Freex pick. Good on him! I enjoyed it thoroughly. (We also got to razz him a bit, by asking him questions like “Is this the kung fu movie were people constantly say 'But still...' and 'Hmmm...' a lot?" Trust me, if you know your kung fu films, that’s funny.)
The bad guys are Brass Head (he’s got a brass helm and likes to headbutt people), Iron Vest (with an iron-plated vest (duh) and an iron fan), Silver Spear (with a long, extendable spear) and the leader, Golden Arm (whose arms are so tough they can stop sword blades–-I’d think Steel Arm would have been a better name, since gold’s a pretty soft metal, but anyway.) Along with their martial arts prowess, they have an affinity for poisoned traps (a great scene features the good guys realizing they’re surrounded by a forest of poisoned needles–-on logs, on trees, in the dirt-–and later on, they are nearly done in by a devious poisoned gas dispenser). The drunk guy, naturally, is a Drunken Master, although sadly he doesn’t show that particular style off much. Not sure why he gets involved in the whole thing, but he’s funny and a talented fighter, so who cares? The good guys are led by a couple of sword-swingers, a man and woman who have a thing for one another...as you can imagine, this can’t end well. The fights feature a surprising amount of blood, and near the end they go crazy with the brutal impalements, but for me that just added to it. (I’m a bit of a gorehound, what can I say?) Only two people survive, but naturally I’m not sayin’ who. Watch it and see.
Yonggary, Monster from the Deep
Originally King Dinosaur was scheduled for this slot, but I guess they couldn’t get it. I have no problems at all with that. This was one of a mere handful of giant monster movies I hadn’t seen, and I can now scratch it off the list.
And then put it next to Gappa the Triphibian Monster in the “Don’t bother watching this again” pile.
Yonggary (Korean for “dragon”) is woken from his ancient slumber by man’s folly, he stomps around a city, the military is powerless to stop him, only one man knows the secret to stopping the monster...I’m assuming anyone reading this is familiar with kaiju eiga, or at least seen Gojira, so you know the drill.
Oh yeah, and there’s a Kenny too. *shudder* This one’s particularly noxious...he’s got a lot of screentime, and twice does things that should’ve gotten him resoundingly slapped. He apparently invents an itching ray and turns it on a newlywed couple. They all laugh about it. I’d have taken that ray and turned it on him until he was ripping bloody strips of flesh from his body, but maybe Korean people are just better-adjusted.
It’s Korean, as I mentioned, which means it’s not Tokyo or Sapporo or Osaka getting stomped, so that’s nice at least. Yonggary looks like Gorosaurus with a horn and a “Thagomizer” (kudos to whoever shouted out that Far Side reference) and breathes fire from a very obvious tube in his throat. He knocks down some nice-looking but patently fake and empty buildings, melts a toy tank, tangles with toy jets (I need to invent a rule, similar to Ken's Rule of Guns...like Rev. D.D.'s Rule of Jets, which states that any time a giant monster attacks a city, at least one jet will get close enough for said monster to swat it out of the sky, despite jets, and their attendant weapons, having a LOT of range), and then invades an oil refinery to drink the oil. We don’t actually see that; the Kenny tells the others over the phone while it happens offscreen. We do see him set an oil tank on fire and then suck up the flames (much like Gamera, and also achieved by running the film backwards). Then he starts itching when he blows up a tank full of what turns out to be ammonia. He passes out, so of course the Kenny revives him with his goddamn itching ray, and apparently gives him the ability to shoot a laser from his horn in the bargain. (Granted, he only does it once or twice, so it doesn’t add much, but still...thanks a lot, Kenny! You bastard.) He and the monster briefly dance, which is insane, and then the monster’s off to destroy again. Eventually the good doctor whips up an ammonia concentrate and they spray it on Yonggary from a helicopter. The movie stops being fun at this point, as Yonggary takes a long time to die, twitching pathetically and bleeding from his anus...all while the people in the helicopter laugh and point. Left a bad taste in my mouth, it did, and I’m the guy who was laughing his head off at a baby being tossed into a blood-powered car earlier in the evening, so you can imagine what a bummer this whole scene is.
The effects range from not bad to atrocious, with a couple of shots that are actually pretty daring, in that you can’t believe they dared let them make the final cut of this movie. Not much plot (I think I figured out the theme for the fest!), dubbing’s bad, and it’s only fun when Yonggary’s doing his thing...anyone who’s not a kaiju enthusiast can probably skip this one. I’m glad I saw it, but I’m in no hurry to see it a second time. I’d rather sit through Godzilla: Final Wars without skipping chapters again.
I would, however, rather watch this again than the American Godzilla. Let's not get crazy here. |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:19:31 PM |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 4:44:56 PM
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Part VII: The Aftermath
After the grueling day (16 hours), we all got up and stretched and prepared to make our goodbyes. Ken came up to me and thanked me for coming, and apologized for not spending more time talking to me. I assured him it was fine. I mean, he’s known some of these people for years, and only seems them once or twice a year. I’m the new guy. It’s only natural he hang out with his pals. Hopefully I can make next year’s B-Fest, and can get a nice chat going with him.
And so, eyes bleary, minds reeling, we stumbled to our cars. I hope everyone got home safely, and enjoyed themselves the rest of their time here in Dallas.
For me, it was the popping of my bad movie festival cherry, and will always have a special place in my heart. I met a lot of great people, had an absolute blast, consumed more junk food than I ought to, laughed, cried, screeched in abject horror (stupid Funky Forest!), and survived to hopefully do it all again in ‘08.
To Ken, Sandy, Chris, and Freeman, thanks aplenty for shaking my hand, a hand I shan’t be washing any time soon. (The lady of the house is not happy about this, and wishes much suffering upon you all.) Oh, and also for organizing and running T-Fest. Kudos to anyone else who was instrumental in getting it going; I apologize for any oversight.
To Kirk, Patty, Lawyer Chris, Guy, and everyone else who I perhaps didn’t get to talk to much...it was a great time, and thank you for your contributions to making it such a wonderful first time for me.
To whoever brought Funky Forest, I once again quote a Rocky movie, although this time it's III. It sums up what we all felt, and what we'll all give you should we find out who you are: "PAIN!!"
And to anyone who actually read all this, thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed it.
The Rev. D.D.
June 12, 2007
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Now I’m off to soak my wrists... |
Edited by - The Rev. D.D. on 06/13/2007 3:21:10 PM |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 06/12/2007 : 6:05:41 PM
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Thanks. I can't get to these things, so it's nice to read about them.
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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The Rev. D.D.
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
203 Posts |
Posted - 06/13/2007 : 3:22:00 PM
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Well, thank you very much for reading, sucker friend! I hope you enjoyed it!
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*beams* |
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Monsters, Murderous Motorcars and Millipedes
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