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Freschel
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
150 Posts |
 Posted - 12/04/2006 : 01:54:00 AM
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[url]http://www.thalia.org/hero.html[/url]
I Don't know if this was posted before. Anyway enjoy.
It's Coacoa Puffs, Bob. I have no idea why, but it fits the equation. |
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Capt. Nemo
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
630 Posts |
Posted - 12/04/2006 : 02:35:58 AM
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Forgot one:
If offered bribe or some other material good by evil overlord, I will immediately agree to accept(and not refuse out of principle) and wait for delivery of said good. Once secured, I will immediately stab Evil Overlord in the back. Therefore, thwarting evil plans and coming out ahead.
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"Ward, the Beaver blew up the 7-11 again."
"I'll have a talk with him Dear" |
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Freschel
Preeminent Apostolic Prelate of the Discipleship of Jabootu
USA
150 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2006 : 12:23:46 PM
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Here's another:
If the counsel says that my young charge isn't ready or is not fit for training, I will wisely follow their sage advise.
It's Coacoa Puffs, Bob. I have no idea why, but it fits the equation. |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2006 : 2:56:21 PM
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If my mentor/wise counsel speaks in cryptic fashion and refuses to elaborate when pressed for details, I will get a NEW mentor/wise counsel!
I will not fail to make use of any talents the heroine may have just because I think she may get hurt. If the evil over-lord wins, we BOTH may die!
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2006 : 3:10:28 PM
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Here are a few....
Credit to Pip and Patrick and Ken — and to 24 — for this one:
If the Evil Warlord threatens to unleash a deadly virus on my country, I will capture his daughter and order that she be cycled through the airlock into the chamber where a sample of the virus is contained, and I will make EW watch. I will not belay that order until the Evil Warlord has literally pissed his pants and agreed to help me stop the outbreak. If he breaks his promise, repeat the steps.
Brutal as hell, but better one life than a hundred million.
I can't believe I'm giving Speed credit for this, but it's due:
If the Evil Overlord takes my true love (or any innocent bystander) hostage, using her as a human shield, I will shoot my true love in the leg, trying for a flesh wound. She'll go down, and the Evil Overlord will be stunned by my actions for about a second. In that second, I'll shoot him in the head.
Alternately, if the Evil Overlord has his head over my true love's shoulder and I'm a good enough shot, I'll just drill 'im between the eyes.
If an enemy commander beams most of his crew over to my disabled ship, I will NOT set the ship on self-destruct. I will buy time to set charges all over the bridge, and set the charges off by remote when the boarding party arrives. Exit boarding party, and my ship, while badly damaged, will still be salvageable.
If a young well-to-do woman offers her support (financial or otherwise) with absolutely no strings attached, I will thank her graciously. I will not abuse or insult her in any way, shape or form.
If someone has proven to be a complete sociopath, I will only PRETEND to give in to his demands. If he brings a bomb on my base, I will shoot him through the head, and THEN worry about disarming the bomb. |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2006 : 3:32:19 PM
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One more....
If one of my employees — with access to vital computer systems — constantly gripes about being underpaid, I will either (a) renegotiate with him, coming up with a payment scale we can both live with, or (b) fire his ass, change every single security code we have, and hire someone I trust to take over his job. |
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Citizen Carrier
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
322 Posts |
Posted - 12/08/2006 : 9:24:00 PM
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If the Evil Overlord discards his projectile/energy beam weapon and attempts to goad me into hand to hand combat, I will promptly shoot said Evil Overlord with my own projectile/energy beam weapon if available.
Members of my crew that specialize in technology/computers/science will NOT look like acne-scarred Waldos raised on Hot Pockets and reruns of Monty Python's Holy Grail. Steroid use is authorized.
If I try to show other Good Guys the Evil Overlord's office building, but all the furniture is gone or it has been changed over to look like a legitimate business and nobody there "remembers" ever seeing me so as to discredit me or make me look paranoid and the other Good Guys don't believe me, I will simply say, "Fine, don't believe me. You guys will be the first to die." I will then remove myself to a hilltop or mountain redoubt ringed with motion-detector guided .50 caliber machineguns.
If my partner who went to medical school continually gainsays my explanations about UFOs, vampires, witches, ghosts, the Loch Ness Monster, and Spanish Conquistadors who lived so long they evolved into swamp hunter-killers IS ALWAYS WRONG, she will immediately be replaced with somebody sensible enough to listen to me.
If my army is called something like the "Mobile Infantry", then they will have actual VEHICLES with which to go into combat against the giant insect-like creatures that have been hurling asteroids at Earth. Probably something akin to Bradley fighting vehicles.
I will not wait for a "second wind" fueled by seeing the Evil Overlord backhand or kill my True Love or Sidekick in the final hand-to-hand fight scene in order to renew my strength with a desire for revenge. I'll just "Steven Segall" the final fight scene and never let him lay a hand on me while I throw him all over the place and slap him silly.
All of my best punches and kicks will take place in slow motion so that everyone can see the bone-crushing strength and accuracy of the blows. The Evil Overlord's best moves will be poorly choreographed and shot from unflattering camera angles.
Any time an Evil Overlord or lackey walks in front of or past a huge fiery explosion in slow motion acting as if he is too cool to bother even looking at the explosion, I will immediately "knee cap" the bad guy so that the unrealistic "cool" effect is ruined by him rolling on the ground clutching his knee.
Which reminds me...
If I repeatedly shoot an Evil Overlord or henchman in the chest, dead center with a large caliber handgun and the bullets penetrate without any effect, I will then shift aim to a vulnerable joint such as the knee or pelvis and see if he can grin that one off and continue to advance towards me.
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Edited by - Citizen Carrier on 12/08/2006 9:42:58 PM |
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Neville
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
Spain
1590 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2006 : 1:12:53 PM
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- Whenever I have to confront my enemies in a duel, I'll shoot them in the back at the first opportunity. Hey, it worked for Wyatt Earp.
- If a villain, no matter if they are the Main Villain or just a Hechman, brags about having murdered / tortured / having been rude / having spit on their meals etc. to my friends / lovers / allies, I'll shoot them at once without giving them the opportunity to apologize.
(Learnt, of all places, watching Open Range) |
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BradH812
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
USA
1294 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2006 : 4:04:29 PM
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I can't believe I'm giving credit to an Andrew Dice Clay movie, but this is something (maybe the ONLY thing) The Adventures of Ford Fairlane got right:
If a villain pulls a gun on me, I'll challenge him to a hand-to-hand fight. If he's dumb enough to agree and throw his weapon away, I'll pull out a concealed pistol and plug him. |
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Greenhornet
Holy Cardinal and Five Star General of the Righteous Knighthood of Jabootu
1791 Posts |
Posted - 12/09/2006 : 7:28:11 PM
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If I have a clear shot when the villain has a hostage and demands a parley, I will take it, even if another hero says "Wait, let's hear hiim out!" (Justice league Unlimited, "For The Man Who Has Everything")
I will not use a huge weapon with a lot of fancy attachements if a smaller, more easily-handled one will do the job.
If I am uncertain that I can handle a job and the people who asked me for help try to trick me into agreeing by saying something like "You can refuse if you are scared" I'll say "OK" and leave. They'll either find a way to handle the problem themselves, or will find a nicer way to convince me.
If I'm going to shoot someone, I'll SHOOT. I won't stand there talking about it. (Thanks, Tuco)
"The Queen is testing poisons." CLEOPATRA, 1935 |
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