Cabin Fever (Sep): Potentially the fall’s 28 Days Later, this highly buzzed-about horror flick revolves about the normal hot college students vacationing in a woodland cabin. The difference is that this time the menace is a flesh eating virus.

The Matrix Revolutions (Nov 5): Expectations are surely down after the less than stellar Matrix Reloaded, but surely we’re all hoping for a Matrix Rebounded.

Master and Commander (Nov 14): Those involved in this film must be pretty damned pleased with the spectacular success of Pirates of the Caribbean. Russell Crowe, who hit box office and critical gold with Gladiator, stars in this rousing sea adventure set on HMS Surprise circa 1805. Man, I can’t wait. I love this kind of picture. Plus it’s directed by Peter Weir. Far freakin’ out. Adapted from the celebrated Patrick O’Brian’s acclaimed novels. This is the sort of picture Hugh Jackman should be doing, and if he’s smart he’ll look for something along these lines.

The Alamo (Dec 25): Damnation, this is a good fall. Dennis Quaid (love ya, Dennis), Billy Bob Thornton and Jason Patric star, shepherded by director John Lee "The Rookie" Hancock.

Kill Bill: Tarantino finally makes another movie. It’s about time, Quentin. The flick ended up running three hours, so Miramax decided to cut it in half and release it in two parts rather than edit it down. Which I have no problem with. Uma Thurman is an assassin, and she goes to Japan and swordfights people, and that’s all I need to know until I see this. Oh, and David Carradine is the Obligatory Resurrected ‘70s B-Movie Star featured here. And Sonny Chiba co-stars. Sonny Chiba!!

Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (Dec 17): The real new Star Wars comes to its no doubt fabulous conclusion. Take note, George Lucas., and thank you sooo much, Peter Jackson. If I could only see one film this year, that would be pretty damn weird. But it would be this one.

Definite Interest, Barring Really Bad Reviews:

Once Upon a Time in Mexico (Sep 12): Robert "El Mariachi" Rodriguez pays homage to Sergio Leone in his latest large-scale action flick. This sequel to Desperado brings back stars Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek, joined her by Johnny Depp and Willem Defoe. Although I fear the intent is to make the film bigger, bigger and bigger (not to mention louder, louder and louder), hell, I haven’t seen a good shoot ‘em up in a while.

Underworld (Sep 19): Hmm. This could be really good or could really suck. Probably the latter, but hope soldiers on. It’s Matrix-style kung fu and Blade-esque hijinx as vampires battle lycanthropes for control of the world. Or something. These ain’t your father’s vampires and werewolves, either. The film’s anti-heroine is Kate Beckinsale as a leather-clad (that’s right, like Trinity) vampire hitwoman/enforcer. Expect lots of silver bullets to be sprayed around as she runs along walls and stuff.

Mystic River (Oct 10): Clint Eastwood directs the latest of his lengthy string of book adaptations, here bringing to the screen the acclaimed thriller by author Dennis Lehane. Blue collar friends are torn apart after one of their daughters is brutally murdered. Eastwood stays behind the camera, as far as I know, but dig the cast: Sean Penn, Robin Wright Penn, Tim Robbins, Laurence Fishburne and Kevin Bacon. As long as I don’t have to listen to their political views, that’s a powerhouse roster.

Read the Reviews, Then Decide:

The Rundown (Sep 26): The Rock stars in what sounds a lot like a knockoff of Romancing the Stone. Considering all the Steven Seagal movies I saw in the theater as a kid, who am I to deny The Rock a chance?

Out of Time (Oct 3): Denzel Washington in a noir flick directed by Carl Franklin, who helmed the superlative One False Move. Oddly, Dean "Boa" Cain somehow got himself a role in this. Talk about needing a hit.

Rock the School (Oct 13): Jack Black is a rocker turned fake substitute teacher in a no doubt wacky comedy. Think Bad News Bears meets Back to School. Joan Cusack plays his—are you ready?—"uptight principal." Everyone, I’m sure, end up learning valuable lessons. But hey…Jack Black. Directed by Richard Linklater.

Gothika (Oct 24): Horror flick starring Halle Berry (busy gal) as a psychologist who wakes up to find herself an inmate in the asylum she works at. Supernatural stuff occurs. I’m assuming it’s one of those ‘what’s reality and what isn’t’ deals. Co-starring Penelope Cruz and genre vet Charles S. Dutton. Directed by the guy who made Amelie. (!)

Elf (Nov 7): Will Ferrell is a human raised by an elf. See, he’d be really, really big for an elf. That’s the gag. Hilarity ensues, hopefully. Co-starring Ed Asner, presumably as Santa Claus, and James Caan. Directed by Swingers thesp Jon Favreau.

Love Actually (Nov 7): The writer of Notting Hill and Four Weddings and a Funeral directs Hugh Grant (of course), Liam Neeson, Emma Thomson, Colin Firth, Alan Rickman and Laura Linney in ten interweaving stories examining love in its various facets.

Dr. Seuss’ The Cat In The Hat (Nov 21): Man, I trust Mike Myers, but I still wake up screaming after dreaming I’m yet watching Jim Carrey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Co-stars Alec Baldwin, who must be praying for a hit at this point.

The Haunted Mansion (Nov): Eddie Murphy in a film based on a Disney World attraction sounds awful. But hey, Pirates of the Caribbean was based on a ride, too. Who knows?

Looney Tunes: Back in Action (Nov): Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, Heather Locklear and Steve Martin join the Looney Tunes gang, courtesy of director Joe Dante. Space Jam was no Roger Rabbit, but it was cute. If only Mel Blanc were still around.

Timeline (Nov 26): Another Michael Crichton adaptation, although strangely this one doesn’t feature a theme park. A time-traveling historian is caught in 14^th Century France, when the French people were ignorant rabble who didn’t wash much and whose women didn’t shave their armpits…Oh, wait. His colleagues go back to save him. Starring the strangely popular Paul Walker, although I should just be glad it’s not Ashton Kushner. Directed by reliable hack Richard Donner. Bonus quote from Paul Walker about Donner’s The Goonies: "One of my favorite movies ever. I’ve probably seen it a couple of hundred times."

Bad Santa (Nov 26): A black comic heist film starring Billy Bob Thornton and Bernie Mac, who I’m a big fan of. You the man, Mac. (Although even you couldn’t get me to see Charlie’s Angels II.) Boy, I’d really like this to work. Made by the Ghost World guy, the one who made the movie, not Daniel Clowes.

The Missing (Dec 10): I loves me the Westerns, and this is Ron Howard’s shot at the genre. Tommy Lee "Lonesome Dove" Jones climbs back into the saddle, joined by Cate Blanchett. The plot sounds an awful lot like The Searchers, arguably the greatest American Film Ever, which doesn’t sound like such a hot idea. We’ll see.

Art House Fare—Quest for the Oscar:

Sylvia (Oct 17): Gwyneth Paltrow plays Sylvia Plath. Paltrow could really use a decent movie after purportedly commercial junk like View From the Top.

Shattered Glass (Oct 17): Film built around the Internet bubble, in other words an updated Wall Street. Stars Peter Sarsgaard, Chloe Sevigny and Hayden Christensen. (What, Amanda Peet wasn’t available?) The reason I mention this film is because of the following quote by the film’s director: "I never once thought about Anakin Skywalker while we were making this movie." This is the rare show biz claim that I wholeheartedly believe to be a completely accurate statement. Nobody can remember anything about Christensen’s Skywalker. That’s the problem.

Eternal Sunshine Of the Spotless Mind (Nov 14): The film is based on the idea of, were one allowed to erase a painful memory, would you? Script by Charlie Kaufman, the writer of Being John Malkovich and Adaptation. If I’m skittish, it’s because you should tread carefully when Jim Carrey trolls the old Oscar Bait. The Truman Show or The Majestic? Time will tell.

Wait, This Sounds Really Familiar:

Cold Creek Manor (Sep): "A couple (Dennis Quaid and Sharon Stone) come to regret moving into Cold Creek Manor when the house’s former owner (Stephen Dorff) is released from prison and wants his house back—bad." Wait, I’m wrong. This is nothing like Pacific Heights, where a couple comes to regret renting an apartment to a psycho, only to find he wants to stay—bad. Still, I like the Quaidster. I’ll wait for the DVD.

Radio (Nov 21): Cuba Gooding Jr. is the sweet retarded kid who teaches crotchety high school football coach Ed Harris Important Life Lessons. It’s Rudy, only with a retarded Rudy rather than a short Rudy! Oh, and mixed with Hoosiers and Remember the Titans and every other inspirational sports movie ever. Great cast, but yeesh. Supposedly based on a real story, one of the great Hollywood lies. Is Gooding that hungry for another Oscar? It’s not like the first one did him much good.

Cheaper By the Dozen: Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt star in this update. Great cast there, and hey, it worked with The Out of Towners, right? (Cue crickets.)

No, Thank You:

Anything Else (Sep): This year’s Woody Allen opus. It’s now official: I no longer have the slightest interest in seeing a new Woody Allen picture.

Scary Movie 3 (Oct): ‘Nuff said.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Oct): Michael Bay’s remake. ‘Nuff said, again. Stars Jessica Biel. (!)

Stuck on You (Dec 12): Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon are conjoined twins in this Farrelly brothers flick. Hey, what’s that smell?

In the Cut (Oct 24): An aging, desperate Meg Ryan goes the Basic Instinct route with this kinky, sex-drenched noir flick. I doubt we’ll see, er, quite as much of Meg as we did of Sharon, if you know what I mean and I think you do, but the film does contain her first nude scene. I’m sure the Special Unrated Director’s Edition will sell extremely well on DVD.

Peter Pan (Dec): Lavish-looking live action adaptation of the Barrie’s classic tale. I’m sure it’ll be better than Roberto Benigne’s Pinocchio, but will it be better than Spielberg’s Hook?

Pluck My Eyes From My Head:

The Singing Detective (Oct 24): Let’s see. Take perhaps the six greatest hours of TV ever done, and adapt them into a two-hour movie. Replace star Michael Gambon with Robert Downey Jr. Katie Holmes, the 21st Century’s Jennifer Love Hewitt, also appears along with Robin Wright Penn (again) and Mel Gibson (oh, Mel, Mel, Mel). The only reason I don’t puke right now is that I’m sure at least a couple of dozen new viewers will check out the mini-series, available on VHS and DVD, instead. And so should you.

The first thing you notice about The Abductors DVD is a severe drop in picture quality from the earlier Ginger disc. (Which, frankly, wasn’t that great to start with.) The most telling difference is that The Abductors isn’t letterboxed. This results in some fairly severe cropping, a fact all too evident to the viewer.

Moreover, the image is plagued by palpably evident grain. This also results from the lack of a widescreen presentation. Admittedly, the film was probably shot on comparatively cheap film stock to start with. Even so, blowing up the image to fill the screen has made the picture quality that much worse. All in all, the DVD presentation is little or no better than a cheap VHS copy would provide. Caveat Emptor.

So much for the consumer protection portion of our review. On to the film. Ginger, the first chapter in the McAllister trilogy, took a while getting to the sleazy parts. (Although when it got there—hoo boy!) Here, that’s right where we start. We open on two men hauling a screaming, panty-clad woman through a hallway. They toss her upon a mattress lying on the floor of a dark room and leave.

Next we cut to a car containing three young women. As they drive down a dark, remote roadway their tire is shot out. Soon they find themselves, well, abducted. Men swarm the car, the woman are hauled out and tossed to the ground. Then a black guy—I mention his race because unsavory racial themes are part of the series, so it shouldn’t be ignored—orders them at gunpoint to, that’s right, strip down to their panties. You can tell this was made back in the ‘70s, as there’s not a spot of silicone between them.

Considering the amount of full frontal nudity in the first film, you wonder why they bother with the underwear. Either they decided to tone things down just a bit this time around, or else they’re saving the ‘good stuff’ for later in the picture. In any case, the women are bound and hauled off. Their car is lit afire, I guess because it’s ‘exciting’ or something. Cue opening credits, accompanied by some very ‘70s music, although more jazz than funk-oriented.

We cut to the office of Jason Varone, Ginger’s detective agency employer from the first film. Jason is played by William Grannell. Mr. Grannell’s entire film career, aside from one other movie, consisted of appearing in the three Ginger McAllister films. Jason has apparently come down in the world. He has a new office, which is much smaller than the earlier one and looks out onto a parking lot.

He phones Ginger, who’s supposedly down in the Caribbean. Let’s say I have my doubts. This being the ‘70s and all, their conversation is inevitably portrayed via a split-screen shot. The two engage in the obligatory sexual banter and then Jason mentions a job. Soon she’s in his office and he’s filling her in. (Hmm, when reviewing Ginger movies, everything sounds dirty.) Ginger’s outfit is an unfastened vest with no shirt under it and matching short-shorts.

Jason explains that young, attractive women are being kidnapped. Were I to hazard a guess, I’d say this might tie in with the stuff we saw at the beginning of the film. The abductees simply disappeared, and no request for ransom has been received. The police, of course, are at a loss. By the way, when did kidnapping become a federal offense? Because if it were before 1972, then the FBI should be all over this situation.

Ginger is again provided with the Jr. Detective’s briefcase. This time, however, her revolver’s a more fashionable stainless steel model. I couldn’t help noticing that the various contents are all nicely laid out, but noticeably unsecured. In other words, everything’s going to crash around in there as soon as the case is picked up.

Aside from the standard stuff – gun, bullets, mini-tape recorder, handcuffs, knife, etc. – there’s a new addition. These are a supply of "radar discs." These small discs, when swallowed, allow one to be tracked within a twenty-five mile radius. (!!!) "Resists expulsion from the body for up to twenty-four hours," Jason notes, whatever that means. Funny how many of these devices work for exactly twenty-four hours, isn’t it? And how do they ‘resist’ expulsion? And how would you like to be the guy who tracks it down after it has left the body?

We cut to the three panty-clad abductees. They’re lined up in someone’s rumpus room, as indicated by the pool table in the background. Wearing leather gags, their hands are bound and they’re lined up before the camera. This is a standard Don Schain shot, whose style I’ve come to recognize after watching but two of his films. He has a predilection for just standing his actors directly before the camera, centered in the shot, and filming them. This is so unimaginative that it actually calls attention to itself.

I always wonder what drives women to appear in stuff like this. Do they really think some great thespian career is going to follow? "Yes, my most prominent credit was as Panty-Clad Gagged Abductee #3 in The Abductors." Well, at least it’s Show Biz, I guess.

Here we meet the mastermind behind the kidnapping ring. (Introduced, that’s right, standing center-shot directly in front of the camera.) This is Jablon, who is being played by the guy you apparently got when William ‘Big Bill’ Smith wasn’t available. "You’re helpless," he explains, "as I’m sure you’re aware." Well, let’s see. Nearly naked. Hands bound. Gagged. Being held in some unknown locale. Yep, that pretty much falls into the ‘helpless’ category, all right.

"When you read the local papers later," he begins (read the local papers?!), "you’ll see the police haven’t got a clue as to what’s happened to you, or why. But there’s a select group of wealthy men across the county who are willing to pay as much as $100,000 for pretty, outgoing, sexually-accomplished young girls to be their mistresses in bondage." He here strolls down the line and fondles the struggling women’s breasts. Yep, guys looking for a date movie should definitely get a Ginger McAllister movie, by cracky.

The women -- girls, actually, since they’re supposed to be seventeen or eighteen years old -- will be taught all sorts of sexual stuff. If they refuse…Jablon opens some curtains, revealing a giant glass tank or closed-off room with a glass wall or some damn thing. Inside is the first woman we saw, and she’s still in her panties, but dangling horizontally in the air on ropes attached to her wrists and ankles. This is the fate that awaits the noncompliant, I guess.

Properly horrified by this sight (which I admit would hurt like hell, but which seems oddly non-baroque for this series), the girls are untied. Here my earlier question gets answered. "To demonstrate her spirit of complete cooperation," Jablon explains, "I’m going to ask each of you to remove her panties." Houston, we have degrading, full-frontal nudity. Still, I can’t believe it took us a whole twelve minutes to get here. Pick up the pace next time, would you, guys?

Ginger, meanwhile, drives around and investigates the abduction sites. I have to give the film some credit, here. While director Schain still needs to work on that standing-the-actor-before-the-camera thing, his direction here occasionally shows genuine flashes of style. Presumably the success of the first film provided a larger budget for this go-around.

More importantly, the movie is much more fluid than it’s predecessor. Aside from the fact that it’s ten minutes shorter, it’s just more tightly edited. In Ginger scenes just dragged on and on. Here things flow a lot faster. Also, the jazz score is well integrated into the picture as a whole.

Moreover, Cheri Caffaro, director Schain’s soon-to-be wife and the actress playing Ginger, is noticeably more comfortable on camera this time around. While still some distance from providing an actually good performance, her line-readings are more natural, as is her comparatively relaxed body language. Perhaps she took acting lessons between the two films, maybe they had more time for rehearsals, or she might just have learned something from the first film.

Ginger stops on the backcountry road where the girls’ burnt-out car still resides. (!) As she examines it, a man’s voice calls out. (When we cut to him, we see his car behind him. Apparently it’s a stealth model that lets you drive up without alerting folks twenty feet away.) He introduces himself as Ken Stanton. Meanwhile, we instinctively avert our eyes from his feathered hair and typically awful ‘70s polyester shirt. Which, yes, is unbuttoned halfway down his hairy chest.

Stanton is played by Richard Smedley – I’m going to assume that’s his real name – who is one of the film’s more prominent actors. At least for our kind of crowd. Of the eight acting credits he had in the ‘70s, which pretty much sum up his career, Smedley appeared most prominently in two films for Schain and three for Al Adamson. This is probably his biggest role, save perhaps as the ‘tragic’ Cal in Adamson’s The Naughty Stewardesses.

Since Stanton’s wearing pants, he and Ginger exchange provocative banter. They make a date to meet the next day for dinner and sex. This being the ‘70s, you understand. Then we cut to that night. Ginger is in her motel room, examining a picture of the three missing girls in their cheerleader outfits. Our Heroine is wearing…hmm. Well, it’s a dress. The shoulder down to the bottom of her breasts is yellow. The midriff section is lime green. The full-length skirt is half purple and half bright red down the front, yellow in the back. The skirt is split up the front, crotch-level. Each long sleeve matches the opposite color of the skirt front. I think it’s from the Ray Charles for Ladies collection.

The next day Ginger examines the surrounding forest area from a helicopter. Then she meets with Jason on a pleasure boat. I won’t even begin to describe his terrifying polyurethane jacket. The geography isn’t really spelled out, so we don’t know if Jason’s joined her in the area or if she’s returned to report to him. I’m assuming the later. (Eventually dialog confirms this.) By the way, you’d think if Jason could splurge for renting a ‘copter and boat his office would be a tad more upscale, but what do I know?

Ginger has a plan. She suspect the missing girls were targeted after their pictures (the sole girl was a beauty queen, the three others cheerleaders) appeared in the local paper. Her plan is to get her picture in the paper too, and see if this attracts the kidnappers’ interest. Jason sees the obvious flaw in this plan, though, which is that Ginger lacks the, er, innocence projected by the previous victims. He suggests bringing in another operative, one Carter Winston, who’s a little more fresh-faced. Jason also allows that he has, you know, Feelings for Ginger. This would be less creepy if he weren’t old enough to be her father.

Meanwhile, a triple split-screen reveals that the girls’, er, training is going swimmingly. This process basically involves them parading naked before, making out and having sex with, Jablon. Nice work if you can get it. (I meant the actor playing the guy, not the white slaver.) Jablon’s Mystery Offsite Boss phones in to report that they’ve another buyer lined up. Which means they’ll be looking for a new girl just as Ginger’s plan goes into effect! How convenient!!

Meanwhile, beauty queen Brenda, despite the torture, is still holding out. (Oddly, though, her panties have remained pristine throughout the entire ordeal.) Mystery Boss suggests that Jablon rape her – ah, the Ginger McAllister series, fun for the entire family – which by "depriving her of her virginity" might break her will. We get to see this scene at some length, and sure enough, Brenda quickly becomes as willing a sex slave as the others.

Ginger presents Stanton with photos of Carter, including a topless shot. (So much for the ‘innocence’ angle.) Stanton conveniently owns a local advertising agency and promises to get Carter’s picture in the papers. By the way, what if it turned out that Stanton himself, who’s Ginger’s lover – we haven’t seen evidence of this yet, but hey, everybody else is – was involved with the slavery ring. Wouldn’t that be a shocker?! And then Ginger would have to arrest or even kill her own lover!

The scene ends as we segue to some hideous Wurlitzer, flute and percussion music – just be glad you’re not hearing what I’m hearing -- and we cut to Ginger on her date with Stanton. Is this the date they made earlier? Because that means Ginger changed her outfit five times during that day! So far! Oops, make that six. Now she’s wearing…well, it looks like somebody tried to crochet themselves a Vampirella outfit.

Anyway, they’re in a club, doing some of the whitest white people dancing I’ve seen lately. This partly involves each of them shaking a maraca – really. Then Ginger grabs the other maraca and really goes to town. At least if there’s a town somewhere called Awfuldancingville.

The next day Ginger meets Carter as she arrives in town. I can’t imagine why the film would introduce another woman detective, unless of course she’s meant as this movie’s sacrificial goat. They head over to Ginger’s hotel room, where she advises Carter to swallow one of the radar discs each afternoon.

After Carter’s picture is splashed about, Jablon is ordered to snatch her up. That night his flunkies break into her hotel room and grab her. Meanwhile, Ginger is having dinner with Stanton. (Good way to stand guard over your comrade, dimwit.) She’s still putting Stanton off, figuring his ego could use a little resistance. 

After they split up, Ginger notices movement on the radium dial scope and heads off in pursuit. Apparently she stops not only to change clothes (!), but to brush out the elaborate, and somewhat silly, hairdo she wore for her date. (!!) Either that or it’s a hell of a continuity error, because both change between one shot and the next. Considering the scope only has a twenty-five mile radius, you wouldn’t think she’d have the time. But hey, she’s Ginger McAllister! Am I right?

Since there hasn’t been any sleaze for roughly five minutes, one of the henchmen mauls Carter’s breasts as they wait at a hideout. Ginger’s on the scene, but finds herself stymied when Carter and the men are picked up by a helicopter. (!!) The ‘copter sports pontoons and lands on a lake beside the hideout, whereupon the henchmen row out to it in a boat. Amusingly, when a guy in the copter pulls on a line to haul the boat in closer, it’s the copter that spins around in the water, because they didn't anchor it. Eventually, however, Carter is transferred and it leaves.

Seeing that the henchguys didn’t leave in the ‘copter, Ginger drives back down the road and waits. When one of them heads back to town, she pretends to be a hitchhiker, having again changed clothes. (!!!) I swear, this woman wears two dozen different outfits in this movie, and not one of them twice. Of course, given how much material each outfit sports, they can probably all fit in one bag.

Needless to say, the guy stops to pick her up. Good henchmen are so hard to find these days. He does the old ‘put out or get out’ routine, and Ginger, naturally, chooses the former. Before things go too far, though, she pulls her gun on him. Given her outfit, I have no idea where this was stashed. After handcuffing him to a tree – ditto the cuffs, I can’t see where she was hiding them – she pulls the guy’s pants down so as to emphasize his vulnerability. Boy, she’s really got him by the…uh, anyway.

By the way, they’re right on the road. I know it’s deserted, but what if one of the other henchmen drove past? Oh, well. So then Ginger suddenly ends up with a dagger in her hands. (!!) Whatever. Maybe her mini-dress operates like a TARDIS. She threatens him with the knife in an extremely, er, personal manner. (Considering her actions in the last movie, dude, I’d spill the beans right quick.) 

He hurriedly explains that he and his two associates get their orders from an unknown mastermind, one who contacts them via phone. That’s all he knows. Ginger fondles the guy for four or five seconds, and yes, that’s exactly what I mean, and then takes off in his car. Where’s her vehicle? Got me. All I know is I really didn’t need the wiener shot that closes the scene.

Well, we’ve about half the movie left. I might as well leave something unsaid for those who want to see the movie. Here’s the highlights:

• Aiieee!! Ginger has Regina Carroll hair!! Still, the scene has some nice continuity, talking about her brother as established in the first film.
• Those are the guys laying out a hundred grand each for sex slaves? Who’da thought. And hey, isn’t that Gomez Addams?
• Uhm…the kidnapped cheerleaders’ transformation into programmed and entirely willing Hot Kootchie Mamas isn’t entirely convincing.
• Let me get this straight: Rich Texas ranchers are fat, bald, wear ill-fitting double-breasted blue blazers, lime green shirts and yellow cravats, don’t have Texas accents and giggle a lot.
• Good grief, if we have to watch Stanton and Ginger ‘do it,’ at least shave his shaggy armpits first. Blech. And that’s really more of Richard Smedley’s bobbing naked ass then I really needed to see.
• Wait a minute! He’s part of the slavery ring?! (Three guesses.)
• Man, if you like seeing chicks tied up, this is the film for you.
• Wow, the scene where the villain Stanton (oops, sorry) goes through Ginger’s plan step by step both shows how smart he is and eats up a minute or two of running time with stuff we already know!
• Damn, but that’s an ugly shirt.
• Amazing! That prerecorded rotor sound effects truly makes me believe Jason’s in a helicopter, and not in a cheap stationary mock-up.
• Jeepers, he’s not going to fall for the old, "Untie me and we’ll have passionate sex" gag, is he? Oh. He is. (Why not just rape her as she is? It’s not like the gang has proven adverse to that sort of thing.)
• Nothing like watching a naked chick taking repeated blows to the ol’ breadbasket. Yes, that’s what she needs. A little tenderizing and she’s all yours. It’s fun and instructive for the whole family!
• Wow! Only in the ‘70s could you see two women sexually molested at one time via the miracle of split-screen!
• Good thing his garage door had been made of balsa wood. It’ll be much cheaper to replace that way.
• Oddly, after Ginger steals a car and smashes out of the gang’s attached garage, nobody comes outside to investigate. Yes, this is truly a bunch of criminal masterminds.
• Jason is outside with a bunch of cops, having followed the radar disc Ginger swallowed. Ginger wants personal revenge on Stanton, apparently because he did to her what she does to guys, i.e., slept with and then betrayed her. So she wants Jason to have Stanton released, assuming that he’ll come looking for her to exact his own vengeance. First, can Jason really tell the cops not to arrest an obvious criminal? And won’t they get a little pissed off if the guy he convinces them to let go then kills an employee of Jason’s or else is killed by that employee? Or what if Stanton does what he’d do in real life, which is grab his loot and run. Wouldn’t that annoy the cops as well?
• So Stanton splits, leaving the others in place (including the clients!) despite the fact that he’s learned Ginger has escaped. Luckily, when he drives off he doesn’t notice the neon yellow police car parked two feet off the road.
• The police and Jason engage in a shootout with Stanton’s cohorts and then storm the house. This scene is apparently included to provide Jason with an opportunity to perform some very awkwardly filmed action stuff. In the end, the only fatality is one of the bad guys. While the sexual content of this film is so far grossly sleazy, the violence quotient – excluding sexual violence – is surprisingly slight.
• Stanton does seek out Ginger, of course, but she quickly gets the drop on him. Being a Ginger movie, she commands him to strip. Got to sexually humiliate him before killing him, you know.
• This, charmingly, leads to our second wiener shot. Well, close enough, anyway. Ginger has handcuffed the naked Stanton in the shower and begins running hot water over him. (Again, ladies, I hope you like your men hirsute.) In between scalding him, she – three guesses – sexually manipulates him. I really find it amazing what Our Heroine can do to suspects without suffering legal consequence. Of course, Ginger hasn’t so far matched the depths of her actions in the first film.
• Stanton reacts to Ginger’s unique, one-woman version of bad cop/slutty cop by spilling the beans. I like the fact that the businessmen pay the $100,000 fee for their kidnapped sex slaves by check.
• After soaping up her yet cuffed prisoner, Ginger – three guesses – strips. Then she, uh, gets him, er, interested. That accomplished, she puts her clothes back on and lets the cops in. It’s all in good fun, I guess. After all, she’s the movie’s heroine, right?
• There’s still nearly ten minutes of movie left, which seems like a long time to deal with the issue of who Mr. Big is. This allows for a breakfast scene where Jason wears perhaps the ghastliest jacket known to Man.
• Ginger considers who Mr. Big is for about ten seconds and deduces it must be H. G. Wittington. (Who?) Jason is flabbergasted. "President of Wittington National Bank, and founder of this town?!" he gasps. First, how old is this town that a middle-aged guy could be it’s ‘founder’? Second, isn’t it a bit lame to have a Mr. Big plot thread, and then reveal he’s a character who hasn’t appeared in the movie yet?
• I just saw Jason’s jacket from the rear, and it’s even uglier.
• Since Mr. Big supposedly wouldn’t know the jig is up yet, despite the fact that it’s the next day and he’s the Most Important Man in Town (just go with it), Jason and Ginger go to the bank and pretend to be big depositors to get a private meeting.
• Pushing a button on his intercom, a panel on Wittington’s desk rises, revealing a set row of guns pointed at the visitors’ chairs. (!!) First, I don’t know, but wouldn’t a pistol in his desk drawer be more convenient? (It’d certainly be a lot less silly.) Second, there’s really no way at this point that Wittington can be proved to be Mr. Big. So would murdering people in his own office at the bank by blowing them to pieces really be the optimal solution here?
• Oh, he’s going to tell the police they were "common thieves." Uh, yeah. That’s pretty airtight.

• To my horror, rather than just shooting them, Wittington decides to deliver your standard Supervillain’s Big Monologue. Cripes, people, this guy’s not Blofeld. Just shoot him already. Instead, the guy blabs on for nearly three straight minutes (!!), like he was Gene Hackman and this was his big Oscar Clip moment.
• Anyway, they subdue the guy (he was so busy yakking he didn’t watch them closely enough) and we cut to Jason and Ginger lounging by a pool at a Holiday Inn or something. They have a goofy banter moment and set up the next, and last, sequel, Girls Are For Loving.
• By the way, why does William Grannell (Jason) get fifth billing? He’s a returning character, the male lead, and certainly had a bigger part than third-rated Patrick Wright (Jablon) or fourth-rated Jennifer Brooks (Carter).
  

Tintorera was one of the quicker knock-offs to follow in the fins of Jaws. It’s a cheap, none-too interesting movie, but at least it doesn’t ape its model quite as reverently as many of it compatriots. Thus, we do start the film with an underwater shot. Here, though, this showcases the titular shark directly, rather than keeping the animal offscreen via a POV shot. (Kudos to the cameraman screwball enough to swim directly alongside the actual shark here.)

Meanwhile, the surprisingly understated theme music is also devoid of any John Williams influence, in itself a happy circumstance. I also appreciated the fact that the titular menace in this movie is a feasibly-sized animal for once, maybe a twelve-footer. Big enough to be fearsome, certainly, but lacking the increasingly comical mammoth sizes most would-be Bruces were scaled to.

Any credit the film initially earns, however, is quickly squandered when we cut topside and some really, really bad ‘70s funk music explodes on the soundtrack. It’s the kind of manqué-jazzy stuff that might act as theme music for a rip-off of Chico and the Man. This accompanies footage of an overstuffed ferry, never a good sign in these things. Then, when the boat reaches the dock, they show it pulling alongside in a stuttering slo-mo. (!) A moment this dramatic, I guess, you need to emphasize.

Along the shore we see a boat filled with dead sharks. Normally, I’d assume these were rubber beasties. Given that this was made in Mexico, however, they’re probably real. Several tourists come over to examine the bounty, including (surprise) two young ladies in bikinis who spend some time bending down a lot. Meanwhile, a local named Colorado* (?) sneers at the stupidity of the Gringos.

[*Master proofreading Carl Fink points out that 'colorado' is Spanish for red.  And indeed, Colorado has highly unnatural looking red hair.  So that explains it.]

A fisherman tells Colorado—who’s the guy with all the dead sharks—that an American is coming to charter a yacht. Or something. It was hard to follow this aspect of the movie, especially since much of the dialog is in untranslated Spanish. From the rest of the movie, it seems more like the American owns the boat and has hired Colorado to be his employee during the period that he uses it. Or something. In any case, the American appears to be comparatively wealthy, and the yacht is quite swanky.

Colorado also informs some tourists that the tiger shark, or tintorera in Spanish, is the most dangerous man-eater in the surrounding waters. Well, duh. A movie’s menace, especially a titular one, is seldom described as the third or fourth most dangerous animal in the immediate area.

A seaplane lands nearby. Colorado picks up his new boss, Steve (a haggard, perpetually angry man who sports that classic ‘70s Gibbs Brother look), and takes him to the yacht, which is rather unsubtly named the Tiger Shark, and in English, yet.

The next day Steve comes along to watch Colorado as he empties his shark traps. "Do many people hunt sharks on the island?" Steve asks. "Only me and my brother," Colorado shrugs. This conversation is oddly belied later in the movie, by the way. More keen insight is provided when Steve says, "Maybe you hate [sharks], but I feel sorry for them. But then that’s life."

The two pull up a collection of obviously real dead sharks. This is an actually creepy scene, which is one more than many of these things have. Of course, most of them don’t use actual deceased sharks as props. As they attempt to pull up the second carcass, however, a more lively example of the breed grabs hold, looking for a little lunch. "A big shark must have taken a bite," Colorado helpfully notes. When his catch is finally brought into the boat, its entire bottom half is missing.

By now I noticed that the film showed a heavy European influence. For instance, there were stylistic elements:

• Lots of naked boobies.
• Occasional full frontal female nudity.
• No wiener shots, but more bare male ass shots than the filmographies of Mel Gibson and Jean-Claude Van Damme combined.
• Scenes set in discos.
• Scenes of animals being actually killed or otherwise brutalized.
• Guys in tiny, package-accentuating Speedos.
• Weirdly phrased dialog passages.

The film also exhibits many directorial motifs common in Euro fare (these acronyms will be employed in the review to indicate their usage in the movie):

• AST (Abrupt Scene Termination) Syndrome: In which scenes end so brusquely that the result resembles a skip caused by a film splice.
• UZS: Unnecessary Zoom Shots.
• SCUD (Static Close-Up Dialog) Syndrome: Characterized by dialog scenes in which the participants are portrayed in a series of frighteningly tight close-up shots.

We cut to Steve using some binoculars—cue the ‘binocular silhouette’ POV shots—to check out the talent on the nearby beach, if you know what I mean. For some reason, however, he looks past the numerous bikini-clad women and focuses on a fully dressed one arriving at a nearby hotel. This proves to be the busty Patricia.

Patricia is played by Fiona Lewis, an English actress who’d appeared in The Fearless Vampire Killers, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, Ken Russell’s even-more-insane-than-usual Lisztomania, the Jack Palance telefilm Dracula and other such fare. The year after appearing in Tintorera, for example, she was telekinetically spun to death in The Fury. Her presence here, meanwhile, seems due to her willingness to allow full-frontal nude shots.

Steve is soon approaching Patricia on the beach (she’s laying on a large NFL blanket), allowing for the first of way too many teeny Speedo shots. He’s followed by a waiter bearing a variety of cocktails. [UZS] Steve, pretending to be a representative of the hotel, flirts with the Adrienne Barbeau-esque Patricia by offering her any of the drinks on the tray.

Eventually, he identifies himself as being "just a simple guest, enjoying the scenery." Wink, wink. [UZS] Patricia is charmed by his sterling badinage and agrees to join him upon his boat for dinner. [AST] Cut to said repast. There’s some typically awful disco music playing in the background, and Steve furthers his reputation (with us anyway) as a bore by throwing his empty Champagne bottles into the ocean.

After some markedly stilted dialog, Patricia gets down to business. We quickly cut to them, after, er, the deed, allowing for the first of Steve’s naked bum shots. Then we cut to them scuba diving. After swimming around a while they begin making out, underwater. (Where are those damn flying piranhas when you need them?) Then we cut to them lounging on a catamaran, him in his teeny red Speedo, she all nude and stuff. Man, this is a hell of a killer shark movie, isn’t it?

Next they’re visiting some scenic ruins for a little sightseeing. This sets up one of the choice dialog exchanges I mentioned earlier:

Steve: "These stones have been stoically defying the elements for centuries."
Patricia: "I wish human relationships were strong like that, but you know, they usually end up crumbling and destroying themselves."
[They embrace.]
Steve: "You know, I feel very happy, because I think I’m falling in love with you."
[They kiss passionately.]
Steve: "I don’t think I have ever been in love with anyone."
Patricia: "Are you sure it’s love, or just physically attraction?"
Steve: "I don’t know."
[He turns and walks away from her.]
Patricia, angrily: "You don’t know? Well, I hope you find out in time. Call me, when you decide."
[She leaves. Steve stands alone against the ocean, his isolation emphasized with a UZS.]

Cut to a raucous party Colorado is holding on the deck of the Tiger Shark. An equally loud and bad disco tune plays as the camera focuses on some bikini-clad asses and other such accoutrements. Roused from below by the din, a morose Steve comes topside and angrily orders the revelers off his boat.

[AST] The next day (I assume), Steve is on the deck wearing a teeny green plaid Speedo and scanning the beaches with his binoculars. (Uh, oh, I’m having Sincerely Yours flashbacks.) Seeing Patricia, he jumps into a launch and heads ashore. He finds her with the hunky and well-oiled Miguel, a happy-go-lucky local gigolo.

Cutting a (sorta) manly figure in his plaid Speedo and transparent green poker-dealer’s eyeshade, Steve becomes increasingly agitated and belts Miguel. The two do exchange remarks first, but they were in Spanish, so I’m not sure what was being said. Luckily for Steve, though, the rather more impressive Miguel is a lover, not a fighter. Instead of returning the blow, he just uses the occasion to draw cooing sympathy from Patricia. Enraged, Steve returns to the boat.

That night, Steve and Colorado have a conversation, during which the fisherman explains why he doesn’t want to be a farmer. (Hell of a killer shark movie, isn’t it?)

[AST] Patricia is explaining to Miguel why she left Steve. This takes place in a bar, and so, of course, there’s disco music playing in the background. Earlier she seemed mad at Steve because he couldn’t commit, but now, apparently, it’s the opposite. She tells Miguel it’s because she was falling in love with Steve, and that she doesn’t want to develop an attachment to anyone right now. Smiling, he drags her to the minute dance floor and they shuffle around to the aptly designated strains of a tune called "Disco Dan." [UZS]

[AST] It’s dawn, and a naked Patricia is in bed with a slumbering Miguel. Rising, she walks outside to the nearby beach and goes for a nude swim. (Three guesses where this is going.) After quite a few shots of her naked bum, her boobs and her, er, foliage, the shark finally shows up and does away with her. Since the shark and the actress can’t interact, we go from one to the other until we eventually cut to the beast swimming around with a bewigged prop head in its maw.

Later that morning Miguel is lounging in a beach tavern, in yet another wee Speedo. Steve inevitably makes an appearance, leading to a SCUD exchange. The scene ends—abruptly, of course—after Steve notes, "I could kill you."

In the end—let’s get moving here—they come to the conclusion that Patricia’s split town, and become close friends. I’m not one to toss the phrase homoerotic around, but here there’s a definite vibe. Basically, the anhedonic Steve uses the compulsively happy Miguel as a guide to enjoying life, while Miguel enjoys the high life Steve’s money buys.

And so the two pick up girls together and such like, resulting in any number of naked boobie shots. Apparently chasing skirt in Mexico isn’t a very labor-intensive activity. Most of the girls are Anglos, though, so I guess it’s always like spring break down there. That first night, Steve invites Miguel and their first two, er, dates onto his boat. Being the kind of movie this is, the girls suggest stripping naked and swimming out to it.

Amazingly, this doesn’t lead to a shark attack, which as you may have noticed are rather strictly rationed. (Not that that keeps them from falsely suggesting one’s about to happen, however.) Instead, the foursome splits into pairs for sex, then in the morning switch partners. Much of this is accompanied by yet another awful disco song, and many further shots of Miguel’s hairy butt and the girls’ free-swinging boobs. Boy, they don’t make killer shark movies like this anymore.

The next day the girls jump back into the water for a nude swim back to shore. Again we see the shark, and again nothing happens. Then Steve and Miguel talk about their respective philosophies of life and stuff. As scintillating as all this is, I was, you know, sort of wondering about the shark. There comes a point, after all, where the film stops being a killer shark movie with softcore porn and becomes instead a softcore porn movie with a killer shark. I think that point’s been passed.

When the two aren’t screwing chicks, they spend entirely too much time together lounging around next to each other in their Speedos. Then they spend a long sequence killing sharks with a spear gun. (Since Miguel is the one who teaches Steve to hunt sharks, you wonder why Colorado is even in the film.) Of course, all the kills are entirely authentic. I can’t imagine this film getting released here nowadays.

Somehow the two manage to converse underwater. "The ones you have to worry about are [three guesses] the tiger sharks," Miguel explains. "You have got only one chance. You have to hit exactly between the eyes." I’m not saying I’m psychic, but I have a feeling this info just might come into play later in the movie.

That night, trolling for women, the two spot blond Gabriella in a bar. She’s played by Susan "Straw Dogs" George, who here resembles a slutty, dissipated Olivia Newton-John. The two bet on who will get her into bed first. They then strut over to her, wearing skin-tight shirts unbuttoned to display their chests. It’s like something out of those old Steve Martin/Dan Ackroyd Wild ‘n Crazy Guys skits on Saturday Night Live.

I’ll spare you the long build-up: The bet ends in a tie. (Ewww!) The scene just before they, er, first get together features a killer shark. Oops, that’s not right. No killer shark here. No, it features a disco song and *gag* disco dancing. The next morning we get another look at Miguel’s butt and, oops, there we go, his, uh, little shark. We’re spared seeing Steve’s, but only because he’s wearing a butt-baring apron and nothing else. If the killer shark had as much screentime as the various male butt shots, we might have something here.

The three of them quickly become, well, not a couple, obviously. A trio, I guess. They lay out some ground rules, including the stipulation that they remain solely a threesome, and that no one should fall in love with one of the others. Although I’m not sure that Steve and Miguel haven’t broken that rule already.

The three take turns making out on the yacht. Then they go water skiing. (Cue disco music.) Then they go scuba diving. Then the boys take her on one of their shark hunting jaunts. Exit more sharks. This sickens Gabriella, although whether it’s the ‘danger’ that freaks her out or the killing thing is largely left unexplained. The hunt comes to a quick end when the boys spot the dreaded tiger shark and hightail it back to their launch. Then there’s a funny shot of the tiger shark with a smaller shark in its mouth. I think this is supposed to be the three or four-footer the boys just killed. This would make the tiger shark of monstrous size, and definitely doesn’t match its appearances in the rest of the film.

Next we get a weird, silent shot of a distant catamaran. Then the boys bring groceries to the boat. Miguel chastises Steve again for thinking of the future, rather then living in The Moment. Then, in the boat, Miguel seals his fate by saying things like, "To enjoy life has been my goal"; and "If I die tomorrow, have a party for me." Hmm, where is this going? Then Gabriella comes into the room, and Steve asks her as well about The Future. Cripes, we get it. He has trouble enjoying life. Can we move on now?

Then they’re having a toast. "It’s a month since we met," Miguel notes, "and three weeks since we married." (At this point I was wondering whether their relationship was being portrayed in real time.) Gabriella opens a small box, containing a friendship/wedding/whatever ring for each of them. Then they head downstairs to their mutual bedroom, although thankfully we cut away.

Unfortunately, we cut away to a fairly long sequence of the three of them visiting the aforementioned ruins and goofing around and taking pictures of each other. Their joyful frolicking has frankly become a bit cloying, especially when it’s portrayed by a montage that’s accompanied by a bad love ballad, as it is here.

Then they go out shark hunting again. Steve asks about the tiger shark they saw before. Miguel answers that they move around a lot, only sticking around an area if they’ve eaten human flesh there. (Huh?!) Of course, they don’t know about how Patricia was eaten by the shark in the last movie, and…oh, wait. There wasn’t a ‘last’ movie. She was eaten earlier in this one. Damn, how long is this stupid movie? My VCR says about ninety minutes, but that can’t be right.

After goofing around with a manta ray and a grouper, they kill another shark. Meanwhile, Gabriella has jumped in for a swim. At this point the tiger shark appears and begins following after her. The situation is quickly noticed by the boys. I have to give the screenplay credit, as the unsuspecting Gabriella’s presence in the water is what keeps the two from retreating to safety as they did earlier.

In the end, the shark gets (surprise!) Miguel. For what its worth, the scene confirms that the beast is of normal size. We get some shock musical stings, see a whole bunch of red in the water, and then are shown the shark with a patently bogus entrails-trailing torso in its mouth, and then just carrying around Miguel’s ‘head.’ A comically long time after, we see the *cough* lower part of his body settling to the ocean floor.

Later, a grieving Gabriella tells Steve that she’s leaving. After all, with Miguel gone their three-way arrangement has been all screwed up. (Plus, let’s admit it, sans Miguel Steve is an insufferable, brooding killjoy.) Then we see Steve consulting the authorities, who are working with the local fishing community to try to find and kill the shark. 

This is followed by a cheerful scene where some guys gut a sea turtle as bait. This does draw the shark, whereupon one of the them inevitably falls into the water and is et. This scene utilizes a fake shark, which here look fairly large, if not Bruce-sized. I’m giving up on trying to figure out how big the shark is supposed to be; it makes my head hurt.

Meanwhile, Steve and Colorado are out hunting for the shark, too. Then we (how else?) abruptly cut to a (what else?) brooding Steve. He’s hitting the bars, in an attempt to fulfill Miguel’s request that his death be celebrated with wine, women and song. In the bar he sits down and is immediately joined by two hot chicks. Then Steve sees the partygoers he kicked off his yacht.  You remember, it must have been, oh, nine hours ago. I think that’s right.  In any case, to show that there's no hard feelings, Steve is invited to join them at a bash they're holding.

At the party Steve sees the first two chicks he and Miguel had picked up as a team. The three of them immediately start making out. After a bit of that he invites the group back to his yacht. They all strip topless and, of course, jump in the water to swim out to the vessel.

Steve is messing around with one girl when *gasp* the shark appears and (I guess) snatches her off. By the way, the film’s message seems to be that one shouldn’t become a sexual partner of Steve’s. Patricia was killed, as was Miguel—well, OK, he wasn’t technically Steve’s lover—and now his current squeeze is kacked. Perhaps the tiger shark is targeting Steve. We know sharks do that kind of thing.

If I’m following this, and I have to admit, I became a bit confused as to what was going on, Steve is pulling another girl to safety when the shark swings back around and bites off one of her legs. Or maybe it doesn’t. I do know that she clearly has all her limbs when he pulls her from the water. Sadly, though, with this kind of movie that doesn’t prove much.

Then we cut to some time after, as Steve meets a middle-aged man arriving on the seaplane. It’s the estranged father of the girl who (perhaps) lost her leg and definitely was the best friend of the other girl who was killed. He’s come to bring her home.

Steve again heads out to find the shark. As there’s only seven minutes and change left, I assume this time he’ll find it. Sure enough, they are soon facing off. Steve gets a spear in it, and then manages to shove his spear gun down its maw, which I guess kills it. (?) We cut to Steve in the hospital. His torso is all bandaged, and I think he supposedly lost his arm as he killed the shark. That’s just conjecture, however. We end with Steve flashing back to happier days, i.e., the scene with him and Miguel and Gabriella cavorting at the ruins.

Man, they sure know how to make a life-affirming film down in old Mexico.

• Things I Learned™ (Courtesy of Andrew Borntreger): Sharks make Darth Vader breathing noises when swimming underwater.